maybe I am not
meant to fall in love with you
maybe nobody

i will never feel lonely as long as your name can float up on my phone.
you are the ocean surrounding me, but i don't feel like you'll sweep me up.
because you won't.
you just gently rock me over beaches.
you know where to take me.
i thought, since i was so surrounded by you,
i needed oxygen.
so i found oxygen in another.
but after sustaining me for 9 months,
he left.
i felt panicked, because surely the water would drown me.
i was wrong.
you kept rocking me, gently swaying me back and forth.
i underestimated you, i had no faith in you.
but you never let me drown.

I don't know if I am the writer
or the character.

I don't know who has control.

Am I the mun?
The writer?
The one who makes decisions?

Or am I the muse?
The character?
The puppet?

If I am the muse,
what mun would **** up
a character this bad?

we either have really good times
or really bad times.
i miss the you I fell for.

the sun beats on my shoulders.
the autumn breeze ruffles my hair.
i walk happily.
the path is laid clearly.
the destination is near.

i near your location.
the house is in front of me.
the siding and roofing is deteriorating.
i knock on the weakened door.
the door blows down.

the house is too worn down.
i barely recognize it.
the color is different.
the memories are gone.
i am without a childhood home.

you left a massive impact on me.
i have scars of both the mental and physical variety from you.
i fell too hard and too fast.

why am i falling again?
why do i want to see you?
why do i want to apologize?

i hate that i miss you.
i hate that i think you're a monster.
i hate that you hate me.

i. when I was young, I was never complimented. I never felt good enough and it hurt and somewhere along the line I began complimenting everyone because I was never complimented and I never wanted anyone to hate themselves the way I did. just because I call a girl pretty does not mean I want in her pants.

ii. we live in a country where a gay poet spoke at obama's second inauguration, where five openly gay senators serve, where all fifty states have had a gay elected officer in some capacity, so if I were to be gay, what's the problem with a relatively unknown sixteen year old girl from a relatively unknown town in a relatively unknown state being gay?

iii. do you want me to be gay? do you want a better, more socially acceptable reason to make fun of me? is my weight not enough?

iv. I was taught the term fluidity by my best friend Alyssa. she firmly believes that sexuality is a spectrum, like many other things. I have a different view on sexuality because I see it as a spectrum, not something that's set in stone.

v. I like making people happy, I like completing people, I apologize a bit too frequently and I was taught how to accept people.

vi. just because I call a girl pretty does not mean I like her. just because I say a dog is cute does not mean I want with the dog. just because I say a painting is pretty does not mean I am going to **** the painting.

vii. aesthetic is a very important word.

viii. there are three kinds of attraction, aesthetic, romantic, and ******. just because you have one does not mean you have all three. just because I like the way something looks doesn't mean I am going to have *** with it.

ix. sexuality is an Identity. not a YOUdentity.

x. I'm not gay, but if I were, trust me, I wouldn't go for such a whiny little *****.