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Andrew Jan 28
a list of things i want
1. to **** my brain out with a silly straw
2. to be shot a blank point range  
3. for my dad to accept me              
4. to not die yet (please)            
5. for my fist kiss since you
Andrew Jan 28
you told me your dad first ***** you when you were 9. i told you mine put my cat in a meat freezer when i was that age.
you told me that he made you count to 30 and if you made any other sounds you had to start over and so would he. you told me you tried to **** yourself at age 9. i told you the first time i made myself puke so i would go home was weeks into my first year of 9th grade.
it's been years since you told me that. been 9 weeks since you died. been 9 weeks since you called and told me you weren't fine. 9 is the anniversary of all bad things for me and you it seems.
  Jan 28 Andrew
My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in my own room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time
Andrew Jan 28
I'm rotting.
I don't know what happened.
I just feel like god
like fire burns in my fingers
and I can rip out your tongue.

she left because I got too
a n g r y
she decided that 'we should not date anymore.'
but now I want to burn the house down and
fall fall fall like
I C A R U S (for her.)
she is the sun; she is apollo
and I am the wax wings

I hit the ground
I'm rotting.
The house doesn't burn.
Andrew Jan 27
Platonic Blonde.
    By: Andrew

It's not your real hair color, the blonde hair that’s stuck to your face by sweat. Your real hair color is a muddy brown, I loved every ******* strand of it. You are sweating because its too hot, too hot in the middle of winter. Its to hot in your body because you are going through withdrawals and you need help. Please. Please. Get help. Get help.

You get help, eventually, only after I dropped you shaking on your mother's doorstep. The first thing you say to me after you got out of rehab was “You got skinnier.” It was such a you thing to say, I almost choked. I was skinnier, just wanted to be less of your exact opposite. I would rather use the word 'restricting' when you ask if im starving myself, I ask why you don't hang out with me anymore, why you are never in our apartment. I don't know this you. I know you from after him, from when he ****** you up so bad you had to sleep in my bed flush against my body for safe human contact or else you ******* scream in your sleep. I know strung out you from after the house. I know atomic blonde. I have no idea who you are now. This must be the you who hates the kids like me, hates kids who remember you from before you became a saint in the public's eyes.

You don't hold my hand anymore. Everything is so ******* over. It's all platonic niceness and no kissing and you change in the bathroom or a different room rather than still feeling comfortable with me, you hide. You're no longer atomic but im so ******* glad because i won't have to watch you explode. I didn't want you to become someone who can't meet my ******* eyes.

You know what things to do to get me over the edge, you've seen others do it.  The things go in a list,
- Calling me toxic
- Ghosting me
- More ******* gaslighting
- ******* with my heart
- Leaving me
- Leaving me
You're really ******* moving out and leaving me..

You don't love me anymore you said, im dragging you down you said. Im sorry. im sorry. im sorry.
I'm over the ******* edge. I just can't do this **** anymore. I'm so sorry. I cant live without you. I'm moving away, you won't find me at this apartment number anymore.on't drag down your recovery.

Xoxo Drew
(p.s you'll never read this.)
(p.p.s *******.)
  Jan 27 Andrew
Elizabeth Zenk
If I was supposed to
be defined by grades on
a paper, or by words in
a dictionary

I wouldn’t have
been born human.

If I was supposed to
be confined by margins
on an essay, or by stars
on a flag.

I wouldn’t have
the ability to create.

If I was supposed to
be defined by hatred
to my name or by my
disgraceful past.

I wouldn’t have
been born me.
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