They're gone
She was crying this morning
It's like an apocalypse of love
Doesn't seem to be much hope

Then how can you still be here
In my peripheral vision
How are we expected to last
If no one else could

It's actually pathetic.
She fell for some *******
       someone taken
       some gay guy
       someone out of her league
        some *******
How could she be so stupid?
She did it again at 9 years old
                            at 10
                                 13
                                 16
                                  21
Like a pattern of chaotic yet predictable events.
She knew it was coming: the pointlessness of it all. It would always end up the same way.
Why can't she be normal? she asked
She asked that every single day.

Like a rock in a stream or a tree in a herd of antelope,
I stood.
Their noise surrounding me, beating me, hurting me
But all I could do was stay.
In my own little bubble you've made.
So much effect you have on me;
That I can find myself crying in a room of staring faces who wonder what on earth I could be.

I look at my life and see two roads.
And I stand against the current, I'm standing between them and hoping I won't have to choose.
I'm a laundry basket of jealousy, frustration and worry.
I'm constantly walking on egg shells because I don't want anything to change.
I don't want to upset you
I don't want to anger you
I don't want to lose you.
So I hide behind someone who isn't fully myself.
Because you know not yet who you are. And I guess I don't too.

We are carcasses in this life and our paths will show what we choose to show. But your emptiness frightens me and I feel it my duty to fill you.
But I'm torn between someone who cares and someone who can't. I'm torn because the perfect piece of paper I once was is no longer something salvageable.
You aren't the same. So I guess I'm not too.

But I turn to something that isn't stable to help me out of my own battles. I turn to a floating piece of plastic and expect it to help me stay afloat.

These two roads are both a part of myself. These roads aren't a mangled lie or a twisted fib,
They are who I am, just not to the full extent.
You aren't you to the full extent.
And I guess, I'm not too.

There is violence
In this silence
In the words that you don't speak

Accusation
In excommunication
That lasts for months and weeks

Underwater there is no sound.
No echoes of voices and hatred and loud
Screams of past loves that knock on the door.
Deep under water, that's all from before.
There, you breathe - in and out in and out. There are no consequences, no shame, no doubt.
There I am free.
Yet
It remains.
A soft, subtle beat.
No matter the pain, regardless of name, it remains.
It just
Won't
Go Away
My heart kept beating,
Though I begged it not to stay.

I'm impatient
I'm afraid
Not consistent
I'm drowning again
I'm a hypocrite
You're my one weakness
I'm a hypocrite
And you're my one weakness.