sometimes I think
if I can't have it all then
let me go back
but back so far nothing can hurt
right off the plane of existence

once more- the chemicals in my brain- have dilapidated my sane

I've coughed up enough phlegm in my life to fill oceans
pale blood-less skin lies below my melanin
the tantalizing desire- to rip limb from limb
anyone who questions the spare shreds of my power
has a strong grip on me- and holds me stagnant
through the tsunamis of emotions that
threaten to subdue me to that of submission
the cold manner I've been treated with has scarred my skin
all the poisons I've swallowed has made me venomous

its 4am- and I can't sleep
to be honest- nothing feels real
my brain's erasing my serotonin
I'm drowning in chemical imbalances
don't even want to reach out
where do I reach out
at this hour- in this crisis- how can I
get my life back
I want to be held
by someone who wants me
yet who ******* wants me
I don't want me
just hold me close- till I can't breathe

thousand eyes
thousand nights
deliver me to the realm
tasting of ambrosia
slick honey thick and full
running down my brown thighs
I'll drown in your disguise
gulping at the very me
legs curling around your skull
hands tugging at your roots
******* you in for more
breathy moans swallowed
large palms gripping at my flesh
neglected you snapping at air
delirium coating your veins
living for my satisfaction
humming at every ****
fingers entered and coiling
thickly coated in my sweetness
pressing for deliverance
desperately coaxing me to the edge
upon my heavenly release
my unraveling unwinds you
with shuddering breathes
and slick glossed lips

brain buzzing- burning
the lines of daylight and nighttime
she comes for me no matter when
this pain that carves my gut

open my mouth- they stare- mouth shuts

it's not a big deal- dont make a fuss

fingernails gripping under my chin- stay hushed

pallid brown skin and hazy coal eyes
carrying on the lie "I'm alright; I'm fine"
sleep, my nemesis-lover, crossing the line
skin sweltering- scalding
at night beneath sheets too cold
whatever this condition has it out for me

open my mouth- they glare- mouth shuts

"you are not lazy. you are just sad."

it's a thing called depression
it crushes you down
squeezes at your throat so tightly
you're on the brink
only you can tip the scale
off the ledge
salvation is a hoax

this bitter temperamental thing
it deteriorates the brain
happiness bleached from memories
weaving into your form
gripping into the gaps of your flesh
holding you captive- capturing you
and gently lapping the life out of you

Nothings coming out right
It all feels like sludge
Slippery **** like sludge
That pools under cotton socks
See- that- that was descriptive
That's what I was missing
Still most all words are frantic
Jumbled incomprehensible feats

One of these days
One of these years
I won't have to pour my pain onto this screen
And maybe one day I won't feel so alone

bubble up and dissolve
I bubble up and dissolve within myself
all the time- day after day
thin membrane stretched taut
only billowing breath holding me up
growing and climbing up
with a *****

I'm snapped back in
collapsing within myself once more
soap solution never strengthening enough
to hold me up to solidify my existence

everyone has dreams while I just wish to sleep

I dream of fair resources
Of a fair chance for all
Where the biggest issues humanity faces
Are not created by humans at the top
Where there are no billionaires
Smothering the 99% rest of us
With greed, money, and zeal

I dream of green hills rolling
Of wind, air, and water power fueling us
Where we prosper with the government's best interest being in
Us
Not their vain agendas
Poison Native, Black, and Latino neighborhoods
Where they lock up Black youth
Strip us of power, resources, and wealth
Wealth we lost being enslaved for centuries
Power they accumulated by being vicious monsters
Resources they take to this day from lands never their own

I dream of justice
I dream of a day where I can stand and not witness someone be blatantly misgendered
Someone being denied living their best life because they aren't all if not mostly a
White
Male
Straight
Cis
Upperclass
Able-bodied
Able-minded
Straight sized
U.S. citizen
Etc. to all privileges

I dream so hard of freedom
Not to be bigots' excuses for oppression any longer
I dream of tomorrow being so beautifully filled to the brim with opportunity for all
Yet I know
This is a dream because
This country
This world
Is a ******* nightmare

I stand and no one is still with me
All moving ahead- bumping into me

I speak and no one listens
All moving in and out the other ear

No one retains me

They let me bleed from their palms

Never do they grasp me
Never do they hold me close
Never do they enjoy me

I wish I could slip into a comatose

Rise when I am stronger

When others words don't wind me
Others looks don't slice me

When I find the balance
Between empathy for me and apathy for others

Because I often ignore my needs for all others wants
And I'm not used to being labeled selfish for taking care of me

Yet no one would dare do the care or do the same for me

I don't know what to do to feel better
I do what I want - that's not good for me
I do what I need to - most of it saddens me
I'm just chilling but that seems unfavorable
It's never been the world that makes me care
But it's one person's malice existence that fuels me with anger towards any opposition I face from them
They're relaxed but my anxiety makes me wonder if it will stay this way

I find myself floundering and drowning
In a country not made for me
I find myself clinging to fantasies
Where I **** over the very systems
That have binded me from birth
Until I remember
I was never meant to flourish
In a society created and maintained by
Them
And that they would and will
Never
Allow me to prosper as they all have

The idea of someone loving you till you love yourself is hilarious

Do guys really see a broken soul
And wish to mend her together again

That's so funny its sick
That's all these songs whine about
Yet it's not ******* true

Who's gonna hold me when I slip
Not a **** soul
Where do I go when I wanna die

My own **** bed
Psychiatric wondering where my other half is
I wonder too

Cause literally what the **** did I do
To deserve my loneliness

I just want a hug
I just want to be held on these cold winter nights
But no

What the **** did I do to deserve this
I'm sick of being strung along

Just a body not a soul

Know my soul throw it away
Ghost me til my phones starts its decay

my anxiety flares like the sun
drip drop down my spine
parasomnia grips me tight
reminds me nothing will ever be right

bad girl music blaring through my head
but it's sad girl hours- day- weeks
I'm not having a good time
I smile for moments when with others
yet have no urge to smile when alone

I'm not having a good time
I think this is all pointless
Why is it all so awful
The good cannot outlast the bad
The good is found dead in a ditch
I dont want to go on
If that means death so be it
Can I just go now
Please
Not much has happened bad and yet
I dont want to do this
Why do I have to live
Its ridiculous
I didn't ask to be born
I don't want it anymore
Call my lazy- call me selfish
Call me ungrateful
I'll take it
But
Those words cannot cushion nor heal
How uninvolved I wish to be with being

If you don't ever wanna see me again
Just tell me
If you don't wanna ever hold me again
Just tell me
If you don't wanna ever be there when everything's going to hell
Just tell me

Whenever the beginning starts
It all gets ****** up

Sadness bellowing out from my soul
I'm left in the cold

If its another's doing- I have no clue
Everyone walks in twos

First meetings go unhinged
Burrowing into my heart

I notice when they all leave

tears slipping from shut satin lids
curled up body exposed to the cold
deflation pumping slowed veins
it hurts so much- to know he
never felt the same
I sit and I remember those days
days I allowed myself to feel
I was naive- I was spontaneous
I somehow tripped into a pond
that was two inches deep
yet I drowned in first love
and choked as it killed me

I get my feelings hurt almost everyday
Everyday- a minuscule trait is extracted and projectile vomited into my face
Melting into my brain- no one wants me, okay

I thought you you and you would prove me wrong
Yet here I am- bets placed- winning the losing game
Its such a shame- that I'm to blame
For even imagining their words to bear fruit
Shriveled trees adorn my lawns- roots nestled into my core
How many more- corpsed trunks will I need
To painstakingly gouge from my soul
Tears cemented into the blades that dig deeper
How much more decay will I be dealt with upon jaded horizons
Lottery rigged for all who maintain their lawns
Before I lose- before I'm wrong of how vile men truly are

I wanna fall apart into pretty pieces
Scattered in your palm
Blown in your face and shoved down your throat
Choke on my glitter because I'm not okay Because of you
I wanna waltz in 4-lane traffic with you
Twirl and extend me into the path of an oncoming semi
Bite your finger off and stir my drinks with it
I wanna fall apart because I know you'll leave me in pieces

It's the midnight depression
chilling and stifling
stale in taste and pale in sight
lofty air clutching at your throat
legs swimming in hot sheets
electric static ringing your ears
spit hard to swallow
mind buzzing with vengeance

How do I get over something that never happened
But manifested from within a beautiful thought that snowballed me to death
Its lonely here- without even a tangible memory
It was never real- I made it all a fairytale
It dissolved when you brought me back to reality
Disillusioned and mistaken- I still rock back n' forth two years later
All I've been battered with surmounts into colossal tons
Weighs me down as I try to get over
Get over something that was only real to me
Was only real to me
It was too pretty to throw away so now I carry the curse
And I sit beneath the moon making the same mistakes

For as cold as I am
I crave heat

I saw it all with lightning fast details
It struck my heart and made it start
I suddenly learned to breath
You held me close and snapped my neck
Day after day I wept
I knew so little of your kind
I should have stayed in line
But I want to hold you face and give you the world
Even if I lose my own
The the day you left me I bled out in the street
I didn't know till too late- why did I try to rush fate
Or is god so cruel that I will never have you
And that's all Ive wanted all this time

It's hard.
Everything is so difficult.
I feel myself bending for others.
Yet not good enough because I didn't break myself for them.
I am all too much for others.
They ***** me out of their systems and purge their life of me.
As I try once more to enter their life.
I'm a passing dust speck to most.
A fly to others.
Swipe me away on another crushing day.
No one is wanted by me as much as he who I am hunting after.
He exists for fragments.
Melts away in the wind.
Slips from my grasp because of all I am is what I lack.

My dad is the kind of dad that makes you understand all too well why some girls run away to become *** workers.
Those men cannot hurt you more than your own father already has.

Black ink seaps from my pores- oily and tainted of hatred
My body has no place for anger or hatred or jealousy
So out it spews- from my skin- my lips- spit drenched lips
Spitting up feverish complaints of disgust
Yet they say your poisons are your own to consume
To take- to swallow- to abuse yourself with
Trama ringing as tinnitus in the stillest nights
Dripping from my skin oil pools as I wade through pain
Forcing it all out and drowning in it all the same
Darkness floods my brain- sludge swarming
Black pouring from white out- all sclera eyes rolled back
Begging to wield this pain against another- any monster
No human to be harmed by the inky tendrils that encapsulate me
Sensitivity thinning the toxins out- they pour from my pores
Fingers leaving trails along walls as I sit in a shower to leak out
Ring out to dry- only to refill with more doses of abuse the next day

I'm tired- I'm aching
My head feels as if breaking
Hot- cold zaps and flashes
Slice through from the back of my brain

Body aches and chills rip on through
Eyeballs pained from bright lights
Patience thinner than cell membrane
Anger- I hold in reserves for moments
I need to tell oppressors off-
Swelling into seismic tidal waves
I cling onto my sanity-
The shreds bits and pieces left
As it feels I have none

The urge to collapse keeps me company
I force myself on- in the tsunami
To sleep it off is a luxury- unaffordable
So I drag myself to my workplaces

For earning money is
More important than my needs
Earning money is my priority need

Even if the back of my brain feels starved
Oxygen running so low- if I were to
Have been born of centuries prior-
A drilled hole in my skull sounds wonderous

Yet born of today- I know better
And yet on my brain zap- booms- shreds itself
Searching for the chemical happiness
Encased in pretty pink pills
Lost in the American healthcare war

There's trauma interlocking my genetics
Stripped of specifics boiled into one
My own blood stained with my ancestors' rapes
23% White in my DNA sickens my bones
How much of it was forced upon my people
My great great and further back peoples
How many mothers thighs ripped apart to give birth to the innocent child of white devils
To be beaten by the white she-devil for "enticing" her man

For the child- if lighter- it be favored but enslaved in the home- near that very room they were criminally conceived

How many young Black men taken and ***** to be emasculated and sedated to work passively upon the plantation
Take a wife- to have her taken to masters room
Have a daughter- son- and the pattern roll on

How many white people and non-black people believe Black peoples to be inherently ****** to this **** day
These are the origins

If White people ignore my claims
Then you- white man- woman- person
You are just as guilty as the slave owners
Just born centuries too late for free labor
You must pity this of yourself too

To ignore Black peoples cries is to be complacent in our mistreatment
To not listen is to feel we were deserving of our suffering
To have happily whipped and beaten your fellow man if born back then

To support U.S. military veterans and be empathizing of their trauma
While rolling eyes to when Black people don't trust police, the government, or all White people of high status
Invented- created- controlled- plagued by White people
Because of 300+ years of trauma has brazed us with forced submission
To ignore the intergenerational neglect of treatment among Black people

Makes you a slave master on a cold December in 1865 missing your slaves just born modern day

Can you come back home
See the cracks along with the wildflowers along with the weeds
Airplane arms flying concrete lanes
Hopping- skipping- tripping pavement
Apollo high in the sky
Ticking timebomb tickling- oh so- tender
Heartbeat jumping- pumping- thumping to the love
Love encased within the home hearth
Can you come back home
To the earthen greens and towering trees

- Hold Up -

A brain zap and a brain tap massercering-
The strength- the will- the want- the need
To see it all so bright and warm
The cracks cracking- shaking- breaking into molten chasms
Wildflowers- weeds- alike swallowed
Burnt alike- murdered alike- back to the core alike
Arms crashing- smashing- snapping into concrete fields
Timebomb looming- booming- shredding shrapnel through the love
The love encased- suppressed- within the home hearth
Mother nature aint your birther- she doesn't nurture
The hearth ain't **** if your home bone cold
Warmth make a home a home
Gaia spits up- chews up- ***** up mankind
Can you come back home

no

Make yourself your own ******* home.

Left all alone I continue to erode
My eyes find all my flaws
My mind dips into my insecurities

-no one actually cares for you-

I'd believe it if I was told so
I wish I wasnt anchored onto others
For validation to stay afloat
If left alone I succumb to demons
My brain starts to heat
My eyes become wet
Chip- chipping away at me
Me- who trip-trips over her own feet
Crackle- and- Sparkle as I smile
As though sludge is my brain matter
Sewage floods in my veins
My heart- soul- mind just decay

Day in- day out
My stress keeps me company
As I wake up- as I lie back down
When the moon has long risen-
I'm too tired to ignore it

Patches of raised flesh adorn me
Lattice work spiraling from my fingernails
Itching settles the urge for a moment
As my body wishes to burst free

Of the poison my mind erupts with
On a daily basis- as I am- corrupted
And plagued- by demons fueled by rain
I get sliced all day- there is only pain

And strongest urge to end it all

Swarms in ceaseless waves
Shore long lost to the inked horizon
Chills align my spine in spasms
Bitten red lips against ashen brown skin

I gulp in breathes of warm whispers

To the stars I beg to be a rose
Plucked and adorned in vast riches
Drenched with fine cut diamonds

Not bleeding out in salted oceans
Searching for that soft sweet light
That feathers upon the sea

Not even the moon casts upon me

I drown in green envious waters
Toxins sloshing in the pit of my gut
Shaken- lonesome- neglected
Wishing to be loved

To the point of incessant madness

Its spinning
Everything is spinning- nobody cares
Not a **** soul cares
That the pulsing blood people die for
Can only sustain so long

Don't you hear below your jaw
As it pounds so strong

You're disgusting
All of you disgust me
Carry your heads and walk
Trampling and leaving trails of blood
Soaked in the remnants of you
Shove everyone aside
Placing the brightest light on you
Until you need the transfusion