I'll never forget the night we were sprawled on your bed,
Hand in hand and legs intertwined.
I asked you if you loved me and you said
"Like nothing else in the world"
You asked the same and I said
"More than myself."

Its been almost two years since then and now we lay close but never quite touching.
Never quite enough.
I asked you if you loved me and all you said was
"Yeah."
But you never asked me back,
And I've always wondered why that was.

I guess it was because we both already knew the answer, we were just so afraid to hear it out loud.

My mom told me when I was thirteen years old, that friends can really be enemies in masks and you won't notice until you're crying in your room at two in the morning because they said something that cut so deep that you think you might bleed out right there. She told me to stop talking to those people because they're going to destroy you, or even worse, they'll make you destroy yourself. What she failed to mention was that getting the poison out of your blood is so much more difficult than anyone will tell you. When I was thirteen, I brushed off her warnings and told her things weren't like that with us.  I wish I could tell myself what I know now, because it's always easier to quit before the poison hits your bloodstream.

Funny how time keeps moving even when you feel like you're at a standstill. Life goes on for everyone but you. Time is a funny thing, I think. Two months has passed and I can feel the wounds of your goodbye as if it happened to me just a moment or two ago, but in the same respect, I feel so far from the way you held me as I cried that very same day. It's as if time picks and chooses what it wants you to remember vividly and what is allowed to fade into a distant memory. I only wish it would pick a little more kindly as to not leave me at war on an empty battlefield.

I woke up next to an angel today and I thanked a God I never believed in
He smiled at me and I knew I had finally reached heaven through a boy with beautiful brown eyes behind crooked glasses
He whispers in my ear it's a prayer i know by heart, dancing through my mind
And when he says he loves me it's every single hymn wrapped into one beautiful melody
He is my religion, my saviour, my love.

How do you fight a war when you know that nobody is going to come out a winner?
We both have blood on our palms and wounds in our hearts.
We're both so **** tired now,
it's been months of back and forth,
fake smiles and quick kisses,
But we both already know that we lost it long ago,
we're just fighting for the sake of the fight.
We're too far gone to save, but none of us will raise our little white flag.

Are you tired of holding the weight of the world on your fragile shoulders?
Somewhere along the way I saw the smile fade from your heart shaped face and soon be replaced with grimace.
You aren't happy, but you're not sure when it got on the next train and fled.
You know you're broken but you're convinced bandaids will hold your shattered bones together.

I never learned my lesson
"Stop haunting empty houses," they told me over drinks around my coffee table.
Their hands shook, too, but we all pretended to not notice when one of us stuttered our words or wasn't able to make lasting eye contact.
"You have to just move on," one said while they texted their ex and pretended they were liberated. I watched as my friends spaced out and took shots to numb the pain they buried deep beneath their floorboards, but they still heard the heart beats late at night.
"It's poetry, darling, and we're romantics," they cooed. There was nothing romantic about the way they cried themselves to sleep or spent hours trying to stop the bleeding when they cut too deep, but when you're unable to stitch yourself back together it's hard to do anything but nod.
Our eyes were all as empty as the night and we laughed about our pasts but we knew we would never be the same as we were back then, the same as we are tonight.
I never learned my lesson.

They never told me
that it would be a battle to get out of bed every morning
or that breathing can feel so forced
They never told me
that when the life is ****** out of you
people will notice but they'll never ask
They never told me
that you can feel yourself drowning
but that the water is ******* you farther
They never told me
that you don't have to be buried six feet under to feel so complete dead.
They never told me
that you can learn to stop, drop, and roll,
but the fire will destroy you before you get the chance.

I don't love him
But his lips are convenient
And his hands are warm

You aren't here
Which is fine but it's not
And I miss you every day

I don't love him
And he doesn't love me
But we're both missing what we can't have

You don't love me
Which is something I understand
But I'll never get past

I love you too, but I feel nauseous every time you touch my knee.
I love you too, but when you kiss me on the forehead it throws me into a panic attack.
I love you too, but when you hold my hand I can't breathe and I feel sick.
I love you too, but your words make my head spin and I feel dizzy.
I love you too, but where do I go from here?

I set myself on fire because you said you needed light, and I could feel it crawling up my skin, you left your marks on me like the fire, burning through my throat like all those shots we took when you decided you didn't want to breathe anymore, and when you decided you didn't want my heat anymore you let me burn to ashes on the ground.

If I knew how to receive love
As well as you knew to give it
Maybe my heart wouldn't hurt
And yours wouldn't break

My mind is closed off
And you're an open book
My journals got a padlock
And yours is a published work

I wish I could be more like you
So kind and free
But I am too much of me
So broken and ready to leave

It's been a few years since this feeling of hopelessness and the weight of something a little more sharp than sadness settled in the gut of my stomach and rewired my brain.  
"Chemical makeup and nothing more than a passing phase," she told me. "I made it through and so will you."
"How long?" I sighed out, tired although the day had only just begun for me.
Some days are harder than others. Most days I wake up and forget what it's like to feel okay, forget what it's like to have a productive day, forget what it's like to feel fully rested. Other days feel like a war being fought on my own front lawn and I can do nothing to stop it.
I'm not scared, although I suppose I always have a little fear. I fear I won't wake up the next morning, fear that I might, fear that I won't wake up from the nightmare that is depression.
"I don't know, honey, but it will be okay," she rubs my hand and I can see the battle wounds of her own wars painted on her skin. Nobody is ever safe from themselves.

Your fingertips graze my chin
You smile down at me
A gentle kiss on the forehead
Remind me of all we could be

The slight shift in the room
As soon as you walk in
A bright smile and warm presence
Forgive us and all our sins

You're kind and gentle
And I'm damaged goods
But you hold me like I matter
So united we stood

If I'm not in love tonight
I guess that's okay
Because I got drunk in my friends minivan
And she drove me around as I cried about you
We watched the stars like you and I used to
And when she pointed at the big dipper
I pretended I could place it
Truth be told, I was only ever looking at you
I can only see the milky way through your eyes
And the constellations on your lips
But if I'm not in love tonight
I guess that's okay

I'm tired of sleepless nights and stalemates. I want to say goodnight this time, to be happy when I close my eyes. I don't want to wonder if we'll be okay when the sun rises and I don't want to cry when you feel like you're on the other side of the world and the sun is shining only for you a million miles away. I want to feel whole and I want to feel your hands in mine. I want too much and that has always been my downfall, but this time I just want the basic necessities of you and me.

You used to love me
with such passion and intensity
and I thought it'd never end
but like summer turns to fall
we faded out and fell apart

I used to love you
so strongly and so boldly
and you thought it'd never end
but you didn't even notice
when the leaves fell from our trees

If being sad at two pm or two am
For no real reason
Doesn't make sense to you,
Congratulations, I hope it never will.

And if you never lose your breath in public
Because your anxiety decided to join you
Then I am happy for you,
For I wish peace and simplicity unto you

But there is so much you do not understand
So much you should not really want to
So much I cannot begin to explain

Say you miss me
I'll watch you lie
Say you love me
I've got time
I've watched your skin crawl
enough times by now
to know that lies come easy
to know that you know how
so kiss me goodbye
but it won't be your last
you never leave
you've been stuck in the past
Your kiss is toxic
I learned that long ago
but I'm addicted to your drugs
And I won't ever let you go

They say "to live is to love" but if you've ever carried the weight of another broken soul, you already know that.

I remember so vividly the night you held me in your arms as I cried about everything and nothing,
I swear I can still hear you promise me you weren't going anywhere, you'll always be right here.

I can still see the look on your face only six months later when you told me that you didn't love me anymore, twisted and sad and so exhausted. I could feel my heart breaking as you added "I'm not sure I ever really did" but all I could do was stare at the dark circles that created a crater under each of your soft blue eyes. I wanted to dive into them and hide in you.

You told me you couldn't breathe anymore, that it was hard enough to carry yourself, that you weren't strong enough to save me, too.

I suppose the only difference between loving someone and living for someone is just one letter.

There is a winding road
And it reminds me of us
When we made the turn and realize we had been traveling just a little too fast
We slam on our breaks, frightened by our own mistakes
We move slowly now, hearts beating fast
We got ourselves in this mess, there's no turn around in sight.
Guess that's just life.

I've been on nineteen trips around the sun
And you see the stars in all those girls you sleep around with
And I can't help but think if our lives hadn't crossed paths
Maybe I wouldn't be in love with the way you look in the moonlight tonight
And you wouldn't pretend you see a galaxy inside of me
But then, maybe the stars aligned for you and I.

Don't let yourself go numb
or let yourself cry in empty parking lots
When you forget what its like when he used to hold your hand.
His hands are rough and strong, and it when you let yourself numb it's not poetic, it's letting him wrap his hands around your throat.

Don't find new ways to poison yourself
when the weight of the missing "I love you's" feels like it's going to crush you.
They were lies and they're going to crack your ribcage in half so they can puncture your heart, and it's only going to feel heavy a little longer so hang in there, it'll be okay.

Don't text him long unreadable messages when you're crying in your room at 1 in the morning because you remember the way he used to hold you and wipe your tears away with his thumb.
He is not that person anymore.
You shouldn't be either.

Falling in love is beautiful but I still remember the crash, how it swept up and knocked me off of my feet. You said that it's supposed to feel that way-magical and fast and spontaneous, but I felt like it was more shakey, scary, unsafe. You looked me in the eyes and told me you were ready for my love but I couldn't recall where I'd placed it so now you're playing with fools gold and I've got the real deal. You're dancing in the kitchen light with me and we're laughing but I know it won't last more than the night and you're whispering "forever" into my ear. I remember the crash, the fall, the burning, but you painted it so much prettier.

You were six months shy of a miracle and two years past due
And I know you've been depressed for a while now
But I don't know how to be there for you
Because we're at the same bus stop
But I'm holding your hand and hoping it's enough
I know it's never really enough
But if it helps I will never let go

I can almost see you
Tapping your finger on the side of your leg
Unable to sit still for even a second
Always cautious and so aware

I can almost hear you
Breathing in and out heavily
Holding your breath carefully
Slowly letting it out

I can almost taste you
Your lips sweet and soft
Cherry chapstick I hate so much
Blood from biting your lips nervously

I can almost smell you
Artificial musk rubbed onto your skin
Coconut shampoo you only kind of liked
Mint gum always between your teeth

I can almost feel you
Strong and gentle all at once
Always shaking and never still
Something beautiful and disastrous

I cant keep loving you because you tell me that you couldn't live without me and for a while I thought it was cute and romantic and flattering but now I realize that you have been asking me to carry us both and to save you from yourself but we both know I'm weak and tired and I could barely breathe on my own let alone for the both of us but I think you also know that I'd use my dying breath to give you CPR

There are letters under my bed,
Addressed to you that I never could send.
They spoke of the many nights I stayed up,
The nights when I knew you couldn't give a ****.
They are stained with coffee and tears,
And every single one of my wasted years.
I always knew something didn't feel right,
I just figured it would be fine later on at night,
I guess it was never meant to be,
I just wish you could have told me.

Tell my mom I'm trying
Tell her it still aches
Tell her that when I wake up in the morning
I still feel like I am dying

Tell my mom I love her
Tell her I am sorry for the pain
Tell her I know I caused it
But I have found no cure

Tell my mom I'm sorry
Tell her there's not much I can do
Tell her I wish I had a plan
But things are kind of blurry

I would have died for you
A thousand measly deaths at your feet

I would have crossed oceans and mountains
To simply be by your side

I would have given everything
In a way I already had

But I will not die for you now
I have chosen life over love

Don't give yourself away
Not to him, not tonight
To someone you loved
Swear you don't anymore.
To someone you hated
Swear you did.

Don't give yourself away
Unless you wanna
Unless his hands act like magnets
Pulling you closer, pulling you slow.
And if he makes a promise
You better promise to take it with salt.

****** fists rest at our sides
we're too exhausted from this fight
to finish it at all
We'd leave now if we could
pack up our bags and try again another time
but timing was never our thing,
and I can hear the clock

ticking
tocking
ticking
tocking

****** fists carry us home
And they sting so strong but we don't say a word
because our ears won't stop ringiby
screaming a high pitched laugh
mocking us

Ha
ha
Ha
ha

****** fists can't carry us anymore

Dear you,
We've been in a drought for a while and my mom won't let me take long showers in the morning, which I guess is fine except that's where it's okay to cry because I miss you so much. Please call me.

Dear you,
It's been a few months and still no rain, which I don't really mind except for that you remind me of the smell of the pavement after it starts to drizzle and now you're not here and neither is that smell and I think I'm going crazy. Please pick up the phone.

Dear you,
We may still be in our drought but I swear I've cries enough to fill up our empty lake and water all the plants. I left you a voicemail but you never called back.

Dear you,
I saw your mom in the supermarket today. She pretended she didn't see me at first, but we ended up in the same aisle and she had to say hi. I wanted to ask her about you but she wouldn't stop talking about the weather. I guess it's making us all a little crazy.

Dear you,
I miss you and I wish you were here.

Dear you,
I drank enough tonight to forget you. I guess it didn't work because I'm writing your name all over my receipt at this diner and the weather channel is on and I hate you.

Dear you,
I'm tired of hearing about the drought, I know you probably are too.

Dear you,
It finally rained today but I didn't think of you when the water hit the pavement. I guess this is it then.

Let's say I had stayed
That september night when I walked out turned into something beautiful lying on your couch
And the tears we shared turn in to didn't leave our faces wet but kissing eachother so much did

Let's say I hadn't started that fight
You didn't blow up about nothing and I didn't scream into the phone even after we ended the call
You would have texted me goodnight and I would have known you were mine

Let's say I had learned to move on
I wouldn't be in my bed writing ****** poetry about you on a Sunday night
I would be flirting back with the boy from work and letting myself be free.

I. I have spent too long confusing living and surviving. I have not felt alive in months, I'm doing just enough to get by.

II. The urge to go back to sleep doesn't root from my sleep deficit but more manifests in the gut feeling that being an active member of society will cause me a great deal of pain.

III. Going back to sleep is not always the best option, but sometimes its the only option.

IV. Depression isn't cute or romantic, it's life-******* and exhausting. That being said, I have been holding hands with this illness for far too long and I have yet to learn why.

V. When you're little you take for granted how often you were truly happy and how little you were sad. I'd give anything to feel that free again.

It's when everything aches
that you realize you've been lying
when you said that you were steel,
when you said you couldn't break,
because now you're lying on the kitchen floor, shattered like the plate you threw
out of frustration, and you've been crying so loud that you're neighbors are worried,
and the "I'm sorry" you sent in the mail can only go so far, because a bandaid can't fix me anymore.

You don't have to be on fire to feel like you're burning alive and you don't have to be anchored to the bottom of the ocean to feel like you're drowning and can't catch your breath. You can die a million times and not have a single cut or bruise or broken bone, but your soul can be empty and you'll cry on your kitchen floor at 3 in the morning and you'll wish that your skin was on fire or water filled your lungs.

I'm a mess in the supermarket, the lady down the aisle wears a worried face. I'm buying razors with mascara running down my face and she probably thinks I'm going to cut myself tonight from the safety of my bathroom. Maybe she thinks you broke my heart, maybe she's right. I'm not buying them to destroy myself with, I've learned how to do that from the inside out by now, but I've never been good with timing and execution has never been my thing so I'll let her worry about me because if I try to explain how I haven't been okay since the day you said hello to me I will leave with more wounds than I walked in with.

I told you that you could leave when you wanted to, so long as you didn't slam the door and take my heart with you when you went, and you told me that you'd never leave, you promised to love me forever.
Hesitant as I was, I learned to trust the words you said to me over the phone at three in the morning. Silly me, I should have known you were spitting poison down my throat the entire time, waiting until I looked away before you set fire to everything I thought I was. You slammed the door so hard I swear it almost came off its hinges and all the pictures hanging on the wall almost shattered on the floor. My heart and my sanity must have packed themselves in your bag when you left because I haven't been able to get out of bed in six days and I feel so fragile I could break if you called. I guess my mom was right when she told me to watch where I fell because sometimes puddles can be lakes and when I called her crying at four am screaming, "BUT HE PROMISED MOM, OH GOD HE PROMISED HE'D NEVER LEAVE" she had nothing to say but "I told you so."

I want my words to make you sick,
I know how that sounds,
But still, I want them to make your stomach turn.

I want my words to remind you of all the things
You'd like nothing more to forget.

I want my words to remind you what you've done,
Or moreso, what you did not do,
What you never could have done.

I want my words to sit on your conscious
To keep you up at night.
Think about all the things you could have done
The things you should have done differently

I want my words to eat at you
Until you realize how much you miss me
Because I know you ******* miss me

I am like Autumn,
full of colors and warmth.
That's what you told me that October night in your bed, your arms wrapped around me, like I was your lifeline.
I am like Autumn,
more so than you'd think.
I am the leaves that fall from the tree, dying. The colors you love so much are my last, I'm a spark about to burn out, like all of the bonfires you took me to.
Autumn is full of death, and you think it's beautiful. So am I, but the kind of death I possess is hardly beautiful.

we're okay
if you don't count the tears we cry that put us to sleep
or the scars our hearts are now harboring
or the empty promises of yesterday

and we're okay
if you don't look too closely into our eyes
or watch our lips quiver between words
or listen to our heavy breathes fill the spaces you should have been

and we're okay
if you don't ask us how we've been
or if we've been sleeping enough
or if we're still caught up on the little things you said to us in the middle of the night

There's something about learning lessons
Maybe the repetition of failing:
Texting your ex while you're drunk, while you're sad, while you're anxious.
Maybe the constant feeling of doubt:
Does he miss you too? Is it all in your head? Should I send another text? Call?
Maybe the heart wrenching truth:
He opens your messages but he won't respond, he doesn't love you anymore, he doesn't think about you nearly as much as you do him.
Maybe it's the bandaids you wear:
Getting drunk with your friends but not texting him this time, not crying tonight.
Maybe it's the lesson you've learned:
You're nobody's but your own, start acting like it.

"Some people will burn you when they touch you, baby girl. Some people's hands are on fire and when they grab your hand it might feel exciting, but you're going to walk out with third degree burns and scars that will make you cry every time you see them and remember how much you used to love the danger. Some peoples hands are so cold that when you grab their hand in a spur of the moment kind of thing,  they're going to turn you to ice and there's nothing you'll be able to do. Watch out for those people, pumpkin, some of those people have too much fight and some have too much ice in their heart and you're not capable of bringing them back to room temperature."
-my dad warned me about the fire in your touch and the ice in your soul but I thought maybe I could fix you

I will not hear what you have to say
because what you have to say will never be as important as the way you made me feel

Weak
Weak
Weak

I will not hear what you have to say
because you are only allowed so many chances before your apologies wear out

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

I will not  hear what you have to say
because I am only one person but I carry the weight of a million broken promises

I love you
I love you
I love you

I will not hear what you have to say
because there is a fine line between clever and abusive and you've crossed it so many times

Don't do this
Don't do this
Don't do this

I will not hear what you have to say
because I've realized that you're setting me on fire so you can be warm

I'm not yours
I'm not yours
I'm not yours

I'm living off of borrowed time
Checking a watch that isn't even mine
You ask where I'm headed
I say that I don't know
You ask if you can come
As if I could've said no
You ask how I'm feeling
It depends on the day
You ask what I'm thinking
But I have nothing to say

What a bitter end it is to sit across from your lover and feel nothing but rage, knowing the feeling is mutual. You still mutter "I love you" and make out under city lights and hold hands as you walk but someone always squeezes a little too hard or bites a little aggressively or is a little too snappy to believe there's anything left. It's all a game and neither of us want to lose. Going down in flames is so much more satisfying than fading away.

You always used to complain about the smell of my cigarettes that clung to the seats of my car, so I quit smoking because I'd rather lose the things that make me calm than lose you.
You always complained about the smell of the liquor and beer on my breathe and the way it tasted in your mouth when we kissed, so I quit drinking even though it was the only way to feel normal. I'd rather lose my sanity than lose you're arms around my waist.
You wanted me to quit all the things you thought were killing me slowly, so maybe that's why you decided to leave, or at least that's what I keep telling myself. It's what I have to keep telling myself.
I've been drinking and smoking myself into ash since the week you stopped calling me and the nicotine and ***** may be helping, but you're certainly the one killing me.

I've been told that nothing hurts as much as the fresh cut of a first love and the way it stings every inch of your soul, the way that it makes you hollow and full of complete sadness all at once and how you never really know whether you ever loved him at all.
You think, "maybe he was just a passing season and maybe I'll be okay, afterall," but you said that in the summertime and we're well into December now but you don't feel any better at all.
Maybe it's okay that you're not okay, but it's about time that you stop bringing him up in conversation and find a boy who you can kiss in your spare time but then again maybe it's time you called him up and tell him you still love him.
No, what a terrible idea! It's arbitrary, anyhow, because he's with the girl he's been crushing on since before you even existed in his life and you're dancing with the devil at that party you didn't want to go to.
I've been told that the first love and first loss is the most heartbreaking so maybe when I wake up next to the boy from my western civ class and decide I love him it won't be so earth-shattering when he knocks on my door and says he's ready to move on.

Your lips are like poison but I'm ready to die.