Yellow is the look on your face when I tell you I love you, and the color of the sunshine that lives in your soul. It's the favorite color of the young boy who lives across the street from me who brings me a dandelion every time I leave for work. Yellow is the color that smiles back at you on a bad day and that laughs with you on a good one. Yellow is the sun, fierce and bright, like you.

You told me your favorite color was orange at least three times, you loved everything about it. I never really liked it much, the fruit or the shade it was, it used to give me headaches. You said you loved the way it was part of the sunset, right before the sun hits the horizon and the colors start to blur, you loved the way it was everything all at once, and in my mind I thought, "just like you." I'd get married in an orange dress if I could spend the rest of my life with you, and I know it gives me headaches when I stare at it too long but you're like the orange sunset and I'd stare at you forever if you'd let me.

Blue, I suppose, is the saddest color. It's the color of my mom's eyes and I always saw her crying after dad left. It's the color you're supposed to turn when you stop breathing because the boy you loved ripped your heart right out of your ribcage. It's the color of the sky on a beautiful day, but the soft blue horizon provides no comfort when you remember how blue you feel.

I guess I thought your arms were a safe place to rest my head and your words were a blanket I could hide under when things got to be too much to handle but your hands are leavino bruises on my heart and your words are getting so sharp that I think if I don't run away now you'll find me in a pool of my own blood so I'm sorry but it's time for me to go.

They'll hold your hand and kiss your lips, make you believe that you're the only one they'll ever love. They'll write you poems and sing you to sleep, and you'll believe them. After a while you'll notice that their grip is a little tight because they don't want you to find an escape, and the reason you're dizzy after you kiss isn't love but the poison they spit in your mouth. They captivate you and make you believe that's what love is but then you're being held captive and now you're not so sure.

Flight attendants always warn you to put your mask on before helping anyone else, because you have to safe yourself before you can save others. The same goes when you're in a pool trying to help someone drowning; you have to be able to keep yourself afloat or you'll both drown. I've never been a good listener though so I'd crash and burn for you because it really doesn't matter if my lungs fill up with water and I drown from the inside out as long as your breath comes easier at night.

It's Saturday night and you're not here,
do you remember the way we would listen to your favorite songs and talk about the moon?
it's Saturday night and you're not here,
do you remember all of the things we used to do?
It's Saturday night and you've been gone a while, but I can still feel your hand in mine.
it's Saturday night and you've been gone a while, and missing you is starting to feel like a crime.
It's Saturday night and I'm with a boy, and he's kissing my lips and he's had a few,
it's Saturday night and I wish he was you.

Dear you,
I wrote you a letter last night in the middle of an anxiety attack. I didn't know it was addressed to you until about halfway through, but it only makes sense that it all comes back to you. I guess I wanted to write everything that was going on in my head onto paper, to stop thinking about everything and everyone, including you. I keep saying I'm happy for you that things are getting better for you and that you're happier now but I think everyone knows I'm just pretending that I'm not in ruins that you left me for dead. I hope you think about me sometimes, I hope you remember who I used to be.
Love, always,
Me.

Red is anger, red is love. No, wait, red is disappointment, red is lust. Red is every emotion packed into one punch that leaves you gasping for air on your bathroom floor at two in the morning.  Red are your eyes when you've used all your tears on the boy who never really cared. Red is your face when your best friend stabs you in the back and red is the blood that you swear is dripping on the ground when she twists it. Red is everything you never wanted and everything you still think you need.

Green, I've learned, is the most greedy of colors. Green demands attention, a lot like you do, but green also represents jealousy, a lot like I do. You are the prettiest of greens, like the color of your eyes and the grassy hill we spent the day picking wildflowers and laughing under the sun. I am the green that's so dark and mixed with spite and anger and sickness. The green that's so bitter you can taste it in your mouth, and I suppose you got tired of inhaling it altogether.

I gave you a thousand reasons for you to hate me
And I could probably give you a million more
But you never asked for one at all

You need to move on and I need to grow up
So I will make you hate my guts
Though I'm not sure that's what you even wanted

I hate myself
And now you hate me too
Something in common we could never enjoy

My world is a little less dull with you in it
The birds chrip more gently and sing prettier songs
The sun shines brighter and the sky is more blue
Life is better and it's all because of you

She wanted to be in love
So she gave what she had to the boy from class
He took and took until there wasn't much left
The stars that fueled her became nothing more than dust that settled at the bottom of her lungs that stopped her from speaking up and left her with a nasty cough instead
She wanted to be in love, but not like this.
She gave up smoking and she let go of him
And she found herself among the ruins of a girl she once way but would never be again

She's not there anymore
The girl who used to run up and down the streets in a yellow sundress on the hot days of summer

But shes not there anymore
She grew up to be a wild teenager who met boys at the town carnival on the fourth of July and would leave them with nothing but red lipstick smears

She's not there anymore,
she grew up to be a mother of five little boys and girls who adored her more than anything, who depended on her and learned from her

but she's not there anymore
the woman who laughed so loud and spoke so sweet, who cared more than you could ever imagine, whose smile lit up the room

She's not there anymore
She doesn't remember her grandchilds face or her home address
she doesn't remember her first daughters birthday or what she wore only a day before.

She's not there anymore
she cared so much but now she's just so scared
She lives in the body of that girl, but her mind is somewhere else.

Do you think of me when you wake up at three in the morning and you can't fall back asleep? Do you wonder how I spent my day or if I'm wide awake, too? Do I ever cross your mind as you're drifting off, just like you always used to do? Am I your first thought in the morning, the image of me curled up next to you? Do I still haunt you in your dreams, do you still wake and whisper "I love you"?
I guess what I'm trying to ask is,
do you still love me like I love you?

I know I am not allowed to love you anymore
You're not mine and I'm not yours
But the distance is killing me

I haven't been eating much recently,
It's showing in my face.
I look as empty as you left me.

I love you still,
I probably always will
But we aren't eachothers anymore.

You grow up thinking that everything is like the movies
you fall in love in a monent, a big grand moment where suddenly everything changes
and when you fall out of love it destroys you and it's all at once
but falling in love doesn't happen so instantly and you might not even realize you're falling apart until you wake up one morning and you wish you were anywhere else with anyone else

It's strange how things can shift
When you give them the chance
I didn't know that this could happen
But I smiled when you asked me to dance

And I would dance with you forever
My head gently pressed on your chest
I would laugh with you forever
While you claim we're the best

Your bright blue eyes and small little grin
Your faith in the world and in me
Make me want to lay with you forever
Under the shade of your most favorite of trees

Please hold my hand and rub my back
And never forget that very first night
Or the kisses you laid on my forehead
And everything in the world for once felt right

You were better than any pills I could take to my my head stop pounding and my eyes a little heavier. You were better than homemade soup and backrubs and damp washcloths on my forehead. You were so much better than the chemicals, so I got addicted to you instead. But you have no warning label, and I must have overdosed, because people can't be medicine but you can die if they poison your bloodstream.

He's the beginning and the end, all at once.
The first stretch when you wake up in the morning and the feeling of finally crawling into bed after a long day.
He's everything wrapped into one: passion, fire, heartache, joy, sadness, and the kind of love that makes you lose your mind.
He's all of those things that you never knew could feel so sharp, hitting you all at once, cutting into your lungs while you whisper "he's so ******* beautiful"
And I knew with one touch that he'd be the beginning and the end of everything.

Monday 2:38 pm
I know you're sitting five feet away but I miss you so much.

Tuesday 4:56
At least pretend like you love me when my mom is here. You're breaking both of our hearts today.

Wednesday 9:03 am
I'm mad about what you said to me last night but for the sake of the holidays I'll pretend like I believe your broken apology.

Thursday 8:16 pm
Merry Christmas. This year my wish was for us to remember what the point of all of this was. Maybe next year.

Friday 12:39 am
You're laying right next to me and I can hear you breathing but I don't think either of us are really alive.

You could destroy me, if you wanted to.
I gave you all the power, I placed it in the palm of your hands, knowing all too well that you could throw it against the wall, let it shatter to a million pieces on the ground. I gave you everything I have, with the hope that you don't demolish me, with the hope that I'm not left screaming and crying on a Wednesday night. You could destroy me, but the worst part is I'd probably let you.

I knew from the very first moment that you would break my heart. It was part of your charm, I thought I was ready to be broken again, mostly because I thought you would put me back together after. I should have known that people like you come in like a hurricane, leaving everything in ditty ruins.

I'm trying so hard to get better, mom, I swear. It's just that I woke up this morning and couldn't find a single reason to get out of bed. You called last week and asked me how my anxiety is doing, as if it were a separate person entirely. It's okay though, sometimes I think it is too. I can't get out of bed because there's no good enough reason to shatter the floor with every step I take, so I hide under my covers and hope tomorrow will be better. It hasn't been, but I'm trying mom, I promise. Maybe soon I'll be able to call you back but the dial tone sends me into a panic attack so fierce that I stop breathing. I know your voice would calm me down but right now it's just too much. Keep calling, one day I'll be able to answer without crying. I love you mom, I love you so much. I'm so sorry.

Counting heartbeats
steady breathes
watch your pace
watch your step
one wrong turn
one false step
it's all over
you lost the bet
tear streaked cheeks
And a runny nose
you try to hide it
he already knows
Curl up small
He'll wrap you up
bury your face
"It's okay, love."

Spilled tea and shaky hands
The silent chill spread throughout your body like lightning
The static feeling in your arms while you watch your partner fall asleep on you
Binge watching bad tv shows on a Sunday
The gut feeling that tells you to run
The friend that tells you to go for it
Mental breakdowns on the kitchen floor
An almost lover

Give me a second
I need to breathe
A moment to let the air rest inside of me
Before I force it back out and into the world
Give me a moment
I can't stop shaking
My hands and my feet restless they dance
Strongly and boldly with no permission from me
They do as they please while the air stays at bay
I'm suffocating now and nothing feels quite real
A normal day in the life of the anxious
A normal day in the the life of the dying

I was born on a rainy Tuesday night
And my mom always told me when I was younger
"Darling, you were made of thunder and lightning"

Maybe that's why I feel strongest during a storm
Or why when I see lightening I feel at home

But we've been in a drought for a while
And my hands haven't stopped shaking for months
But you know what they say,
When it rains it pours.

Don't build a life around someone who doesn't have the intention of putting a good base down. If he slams the door when he leaves it will pull walls down with him and you will be buried in the remains of what you thought was true love, but turned out to be empty promises and bad wallpaper. And if you ever the boy who broke your heart walking down the street, hand in hand with another girl, don't resent her. She never knew the way he held you when you cried or the way he laughed when you did. She might have the same arms holding her on bad nights, but she doesn't know how much it hurt to be crushed by him and to have to learn how to live without his laugh. Don't resent her because she doesn't know. And I know it seems like such a good idea to have pizza every day for two weeks, but believe it or not, you will get tired of it and want to ***** at the thought of pepperoni. Pizza will not solve every problem you've ever had, but calling your mom on a Sunday night just might. Don't spend money you don't have. Credit cards are cool until you are piled high in debt and you have to live off of ramen every night. You'll get tired of that too. It's okay to cry, and it's okay to kiss the boy at the party because you miss him, but don't fall in love with him because you can see a resemblance in his eyes. Fall in love with him because he holds your coat and purse when you go to the mall. Fall in love with him because he finishes your sentences, but don't fall in love with him because you're lonely. That's not love.

You must know, I am much more than I seem.
I am a storm, and I try my best to minimize the damage but there's always a house and a person who seem to be destroyed in my wake.
I am a wave, crashing onto the shore as if I haven't seen it in years, hoping that if I crash hard enough into them I will stay forever, not knowing that you are the shore and we collided just a little too hard.
I am the sun, shining bright for the world, but I hurt people I don't intend to and you are the moon, glowing prettier than I ever could.
I am the storm that destroys what you love, the tide that could never stay long enough with the shore to help heal it, and the sun that is never allowed to be with a moon as beautiful as you.

"The thing about you, your sister, and I, is that if someone tells us to go, they won't have to say it again," my mom told me on a six hour roadtrip. I understood what it meant, but it never fully hit me until you whispered to me, "why don't you just go?" And I've never been back since.

Let's pretend to be alive
We'll dance in the streets until three in the morning and kiss in the rain
They never look empty inside in the movies
So we'll reenact your favorite love stories and pretend we'd die for eachother
We don't have to admit we're already dead on our own
We can fake this love if we are anyone but ourselves

You destroy me every ******* time
As soon as I think I've finally found a way to be happy, truly happy,
you find a way to bring me back down.
it's as if you don't even realize you're doing it, but I do.
and I still let you, every ******* time.

5/16
Thanks for driving me home, I had fun. Tell your mom she's a wonderful cook. I'll call you in the morning.

5/30
I think I left my cardigan in your car. I guess that gives us an excuse to hang out after school. Text me tomorrow.

6/12
My mom wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow. Call me if you can. She makes an amazing stew. Love you.

6/29
I love you so much. Call me tomorrow.

7/20
I can still feel your fingertips on my face. I love you.

8/1
I'm sorry about your grandpa, call me if you need anything. My mom made stew again and she wants me to bring it by. I love you.

8/19
I skipped history so I could get drunk behind the football field again. I've already had three shots but I'm sure you could catch up. Meet me down here.

8/20
Thanks for driving me home again. I'm sorry I threw up on your passenger seat. I'll buy you a seat cover. I love you.

9/2
I think I'm more drunk than I've ever been. I don't know where I'm at. Can you come get me?

9/3
I know you're mad at me but you could at least answer my calls.

9/7
Hey, it's getting dark and I'm getting drunk. Come over.

9/30
I really need you. Call me?

10/16
It's almost 4 am. You forgot to call me tonight. That's okay though, I forgive you. I have a lot to tell you. Call me when you wake up.

11/1
The first time you kissed me I could taste the ***** on your lips. When he kissed me last night I tasted the beer you couldn't stand.

11/30
Please come over. Your lips are poison but I'm ready to die.

12/9
I miss you.

12/23
Tell your mom I said Merry Christmas. And take care of yourself, I know you drink a lot during the holidays.

1/1
My new years resolution was to get over you. It was going good until I took four shots and accidentally called you instead of deleting your number.

1/7
You ******* ripped my heart out and threw it against the wall and when I cried you spit poison into my veins. You're a ******* monster.

5/16
Thanks for driving me home, I had fun. Tell your mom she's a wonderful cook. I'll call you in the morning.

5/30
I think I left my cardigan in your car. I guess that gives us an excuse to hang out after school. Text me tomorrow.

6/12
My mom wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow. Call me if you can. She makes an amazing stew. Love you.

6/29
I love you so much. Call me tomorrow.

7/20
I can still feel your fingertips on my face. I love you.

8/1
I'm sorry about your grandpa, call me if you need anything. My mom made stew again and she wants me to bring it by. I love you.

8/19
I skipped history so I could get drunk behind the football field again. I've already had three shots but I'm sure you could catch up. Meet me down here.

8/20
Thanks for driving me home again. I'm sorry I threw up on your passenger seat. I'll buy you a seat cover. I love you.

9/2
I think I'm more drunk than I've ever been. I don't know where I'm at. Can you come get me?

9/3
I know you're mad at me but you could at least answer my calls.

9/7
Hey, it's getting dark and I'm getting drunk. Come over.

9/30
I really need you. Call me?

10/16
It's almost 4 am. You forgot to call me tonight. That's okay though, I forgive you. I have a lot to tell you. Call me when you wake up.

11/1
The first time you kissed me I could taste the ***** on your lips. When he kissed me last night I tasted the beer you couldn't stand.

11/30
Please come over. Your lips are poison but I'm ready to die.

12/9
I miss you.

12/23
Tell your mom I said Merry Christmas. And take care of yourself, I know you drink a lot during the holidays.

1/1
My new years resolution was to get over you. It was going good until I took four shots and accidentally called you instead of deleting your number.

1/7
You ******* ripped my heart out and threw it against the wall and when I cried you spit poison into my veins. You're a ******* monster.

The love I wasn't supposed to fall into
Caught me quick and off guard
In the middle of me standing up,
Screaming "never again!"

The love I wasn't meant to be so close to
Yet found it in my own two hands
Wrapped gently inside your arms
As I cried "please not again"

The love I wasn't ready for
Kind and pure and sweet
Whispered into my ears
Such a soft and warm release

Still not sure how you can feel so lonely with so many people who love you but here I am

You were as yellow as the sun
So bright it hurt to stare directly at you
Full of flowers and the smell of spring

I was as blue as the sea
Strong enough to bring you down with a single motion
But unable to stop myself

We didn't mix and make green
Instead I turned darker and so did you

I was waging wars on myself
And I can't thank you enough for trying to dull the pain
But I liked you better when you were yellow

I know it makes me a terrible person to wish you gone but you shined so much brighter in the sun.

I have been fighting wars
On empty battlefields
The soldiers left many moons ago
But I remain, not ready to admit defeat

I told you about all the times I moved growing up,
counted on fingers that held so many hands,
I danced around with the idea of moving into you,
building my walls around our hearts and putting a roof over our souls.
I guess it didn't matter to me that our foundation was a little wobbly or that I knew an eviction was coming,
I wanted to believe that we would build a house that would last.
but you were a trap not a home,
and I was packing my bags but I couldn't get out in time
so I watched as the walls I built around you and I came crashing down on me.

The emptiness I feel inside is nothing but a crater I stumbled upon one afternoon
I had been waltzing my way through the wild
Suddenly I was so deep I could barely see out and I watched as all the dancers gracefully moved around the brim.
I wasn't jealous of the way they moved right above me, still breathing.
I wasn't scared that I wasnt,
I was simply a crater.

I loved you consistently
never failing to let you know
like the sun always knows to rise in the morning

I loved you recklessly
always putting you before myself
like your love was a drug and I was an addict

I loved you entirely
with every fiber of my being I loved you
like the ocean waves love the shore

I loved you
until I didn't

"Do you love me?"
His face lit up by the blinking lights on his alarm clock, he answers yes.
"Are you in love with me?" I ask, counting as every second goes by in the reflection in his eye.
15 seconds. "Aren't they the same thing?"

You can be friends with people your whole life and then wake up one day and realize that you need to move on. If you're sitting at lunch with them and you feel like you don't fit it, you're allowed to sit somewhere else.

2. Loving someone and loving the attention they give you are two completely different things. You don't love that boy who sits behind you in math, you just love that he calls you pretty. It's okay to want to be called that, but learn who will be there for you in the middle of the night when you feel sick to your stomach because your friends decided to make plans without you.

3. Your mom is right. Whether it be about going to bed before two in the morning on a school night or that senior boy with the really good hair at all the parties with a red solo cup in his hand, she's right. You're not going to listen to her at first, but when you come home a sleep-deprived mess with a broken heart, she'll be there to pick up the pieces.

4. Your grades are important. No, you shouldn't stay up all night and slave over your algebra homework, but try and do good, even when everything's a mess.

5. People will tell you, "please don't ever change!" Don't listen to them. Change a million times, change every day, every hour, every minute. Change for the better, grow to be a bigger and stronger person. Don't listen to anyone who wants you to be stationary, they're holding you back.

6. It's okay to fall apart every once in a while. Don't think you have to have it all together, you've got so much time to figure all of that out. If you need to cry a little bit, that's okay, and if you need to scream into your pillow, that's alright too. It'll all be okay in the end.

7. You're going to learn that people aren't going to take you seriously. That's okay, work hard to prove them wrong.

8. You're still a child, please don't make a huge fuss over it when people call you one. You don't have much longer and you're really going to miss when your mom would make you dinner and your dad paid for your phone bill. You don't have that many responsibilities and you have so much potential still. Be a child and be okay with it.

9. Don't litter your body with drugs and alcohol because the cute older boy does and you want to fit in with his crowd. Stand out on your own and they'll notice you for things you can be proud of.

10. They're not staring at you. They're not laughing at you. Keep walking with your head up, just because you think that your hair is too big today or your clothes don't fit right doesn't mean anyone else notices. Keep walking.

I changed my ring tone today. I couldn't hear it go off without wishing it was you. It's never you.
I replaced the picture of us at the ocean with a picture of me and my dad from father's day. We looked so happy at the beach but my dad taught me that the ocean seems calm but it can be dangerous if you lose yourself a little. You're kind of like the ocean.
I saw your friend at the mall today. He told me you are doing well in New York. I hope when you see the city lights at night you remember how much I loved them.
The clock you bought me for Christmas stopped ticking last night.  I think time sort of stopped when you left.

Baby, if you're going to explode like a million fireworks over the river I want to be there to feel like light and if you're going to crash on the pavement like the hail from last night's storm then put my right in the center to feel them hitting my shoulders because I want to bare the weight of the world for you when you get a little tired and I want to be there when things go so well that you have a little extra sparkle to give away, so baby, let me be there for you in rain or shine, I promise I won't let you down.

You called me the better shot
And frankly, my dear, I'd have to agree
But you aren't a safe bet
And gambling has always been an issue for me

Guns always made me nervous
But I guess you had the same effect
So when I watched you set your aim
I knew I wouldn't be able to deflect

Two years later in the September heat
I watched as we were torn from the root
It doesn't matter how we feel
Your gun is loaded so you might as well shoot

You're so far away from me
And you think, "she looks awfully beautiful in this light"
But I don't want to fall in love tonight

And you're so handsome standing there
A shy smile spread across your lips
But I won't let your hands rest around these hips

I'm trying to save you, I really am
Because I know you'd be there whenever I call
But your arms are somewhere I'm not worthy to fall

I thought you were everything to me. I now understand that I was wrong.

2. I thought hearing you say "goodbye" would cause my lungs to collapse, and my last breathe would feel like our last kiss, but you said goodbye and I smiled and waved, and our last kiss was nothing more than a peck on the cheek.

3. "I'll always be here for you" turned out to be a lie and I guess I should have seen that one coming, because I don't remember you saying one truthful thing, but for now I'm grateful that you hold the honesty of a snake because I'm the prey who got away.

4. I don't cry on the bathroom floor like I did when we were together. I guess I always assumed you were the medicine the doctors give you to calm you down, but now I see that you were the poison I was trying to escape.

5. I was never very good at following my instinct.

6. I'm not sad anymore.

The truth is, we can want whatever we want. People will make you feel bad about wanting another cookie or a second serving of pie, or maybe that guy who is a few years older than you but looks at you like every star in the galaxy is hiding underneath your skin. They make you feel guilty when you want to travel Europe when you just got home from Disneyland. ***** those people,  you don't need them. You are allowed to eat and crush and dream and be whoever the ******* want to be. It doesn't matter if they don't want you to have those things, if you want them, take them.