Your gender roles
don't go very well
with my anxiety jam

For someone like me
being told you're getting
exactly what you've always wanted
is like being told that you have
24 hours to live.

Because nothing I've ever wanted
really, actually, down-deep wanted
has ever worked out.

The more important something was,
the more ****** up the eventual outcome.

This self-fulfilling prophecy has been
more reliable than any family
member, friend, or lover has ever been.

It's never let me down.

She would stand in the path of an avalanche and yell, "Stop!"
Frack me if she wouldn't actually expect the avalanche to respect her.
She'd be thinking about how to teach the avalanche manners,
Safe inside her brand-new igloo.

It's not the giving, it's the spirit

But being giving, the spirit gives

So it is the giving of the spirit

You flow through my poetry

like the blood from the movie Alien

You were never supposed to be a guest star.

✨

I love reading.  My favorites are fantasy novels.

When I was in middle school and first starting to grasp the idea that one could read for fun --gross right?-- I read an awesome series called The Dragonriders of Pern, by Anne McCaffrey.

Man, what an amazing series for a young reader (soon to be aspiring writer, thank you Anne McCaffrey) to cut their teeth on.
It is intelligently and imaginatively written, adventurous, suspenseful, emotional, and like duh, it's got people riding dragons!

Well anyway, in the very first book one of the main characters is being attacked by an extremely large beast called a watch weyr, a genetic cousin of dragons bred for guarding castles.

At the very last instant, as the beast is pouncing upon our hero, the watch weyr realizes its intended target is actually one of the very people it was bred to protect.

In a desperate attempt to fling itself aside and spare the life of our hero, the watch weyr snaps its own spine, killing itself.

Now, this is no dog, it's a descendant of dragons, intelligent, sentient, and centuries-old.  That killed itself to avoid hurting someone it didn't even know.  Without a second thought.

Sometimes, not always or even most of the time, mind you, but sometimes...

I wish I had never read that book.

Several times in my life I have had the strange sensation that I might just fall up into the sky at any given moment.  Like gravity would, for some reason, simply stop affecting me.

It happened once when I was seven, laying on my back in the summer grass, cloud-watching.

It happened again, when I was seventeen, while I was staring at the stars reflected in the water.

And once just now
when I thought about
you loving me.

I want to wrap myself around you,

My entire self, my spirit, all my life,

I want to cradle you in the arms of my galaxy,

Serene in the timeless embrace of our fusion,

The rest of the universe spinning around us,

Starlight fireworks dancing to the beat of our heart.

Your Honor,







The persecution rests.

You passed me
And I thought

Wow, she is beau-
Oops, that's not cool

-You're on a diet, but
-You can look at the menu

Yeah, but
I love what's on my plate.

You are the reason I fell in love with the light.

You are the reason I sought a way out of the darkness.

You are the reason I stayed.

You might have been second in line,

But you were never second place.

You're much stronger than any antidepressant I've ever been prescribed.

Worst mistake I ever made,

Was thinking it would be more painful to stay friends.

Whipcracks, needles, and scorpion stings,
These are a few of my least favorite things.
Why do we devolve to insult and injury,
I don't want that, I need your arms around me.

What is this thing buzzing around my ears?
I twist and turn but I don't see what it is!
I hop and swat and growl in frustration,
At this imperceivable persistent pest, this irritation!
It hums in my ear just when I'm drifting to sleep,
Whispering of longing three-thousand miles deep,
It reminds me of days in the sun, laughter, festivals, and fairs,
Music and movies, incense in the air...of days when you were there.
If I manage to rest it's even worse, I'll dream you're scared and lost,
That you're in danger or hurt, my search finding only blankets tossed.
Deceptive day lets me think I'm okay, then sun gives way to rain,
Stifling heat or razor-sharp chill, only strife matters, every breath is pain.
A black hole in my heart, an elephant on my chest, a grim guard dog,
Every face in every crowd might be yours, I seek a drop of water in fog.
I check up once every few years on the book of faces,
You look happy and well, so at least my fears are satiated.
Long and short, every moment is happy and sad, relaxed and stressed,
Darkness and light at once, I guess that's life when one is depressed.

I am not an Atari running Logo.

I will wear a turtle costume for you.

I will Go-To-Line-22, and I will STOP for you.

I will even Go-To-End, for you.

But if you're not there, for me, you'll eventually find that turtle costume unresponsive.

I thought that because she was the love of my life
I would be the love of hers

I fell in love forever,
She made love for fun,
For me, it was the future,
To her, we had a good run.

like a star
our love died
before we ever
saw its light

I got this idea I would write you a poem,
One you could read sitting safely at home,
Or keep with you out and about while you roam.

A poem about all of the memories I held sacred,
Laughing, singing, kissing, and cuddling in bed,
One to remind you our time wasn't wasted.

So I laced up my heart and I shrugged on my soul,
I popped open my noggin and I went for a stroll,
Right down Memory Lane and left at the Rabbit Hole.

I kept on goin' 'til I hit a velvet rope with posts of brass,
But I musta gotten too close to the bulletproof glass,
Cause a big grumpy guard threw me out on my...

I realized, still rolling, it's all one massive museum,
Motionless memories mummified so I can keep 'em,
Lined up and locked away, as if someone would steal 'em.

Arduously ordered, organized for instant access,
A mental palace fit to make even Sherlock jealous,
That Dewey Decimal dude don't got nothin' on this.

The slide shows replay every minute on the minute,
Time-compressed and Tetrised-in so each moment fits,
Bio-digitally encoded on neurode and inked onto skin.

Tear-rusty gears grind waterlogged cogs in reverse,
This melancholy machine made to reflect you in verse,
Is a planetarium perpetually projecting my universe.

You can't steal a Queen

Unless she's playing games

We were in love, successful, and happy,
We had a graphic novel series and a hit CD.

We did everything together, I stood tall beside her,
Then some insecure scientist turned on their LARGE particle collider.

Right was down, and down was blue, and blue was east,
Now she's married to another man, and I got no teeth.

My voice was soothing to her as a wound is calmed by festering,
I called daily, then weekly, then bi-monthly, she called it pestering.

So my cats are watching Dexter right now...
Yeah, you heard that right.
Two of them are kinda being alpha-y to each other,
They won't hang out in here at the same time,
So I leave a show on in the other room for the odd cat out.
Right now they're watching Dexter.
So I was just thinking,
Maybe that's not such a good idea,
Cats are already a bit murderous,
Maybe I shouldn't give them any ideas...

I am drawn to this

Shimmering in my sight

Shinning with promise

Pool of aqueous light

Cupped hands reach out

Weary wanderer with relief awash

Dry disappointment fills my mouth

Wait- Sand!? This- This is a mirage?

I have been stuck here all this time,
Tortured in heart and chained in mind,
Lost and confused, and unsure of why:
You are my spirit guide, and I yours, likewise.

My love for you was never any great mystery,
No greater than that of the tide returning to the sea,
But I lost faith in love when you lost faith in me,
Because you were my life, my heart, my eternity.

I'm not playing games, I'm getting **** off my chest,
I have no hate for you, no blame, and few regrets,
This growth, this catharsis, has been my life-long quest,
And after twenty-five years in the desert...I'm ready to rest.

I didn't waste my life, but it wasn't what it should have been,
I didn't spend it on gambling, or lechery, or a bottle of gin,
I did my fair share of losing and I had a fair number of wins,
But never did I find again, our level of soul-deep connection.

With your freedom, I can be free once again,
With your transcendence, I can finally transcend,
But without your love, without you as my friend...
It's walking a million miles only for the story to end.

Waiting will get you a life of servitude to a master who doesn't know you even exist.

That being said...I still hope. If you love them, you hope.  That's life.

You lose hope sometimes, you wonder why you still hold onto it sometimes.

There's no reason to hope, other than that she's important to me.

It just doesn't matter if it hurts, it's going to hurt no matter what.

You don't have to have expectations to just...hope.

I miss your hand in my hand
I want your hand on my shoulder
I need your hand on my...anything

The things I miss the most
From the life we never lived

I supercharge every thought, every idea.
I pursue each concept and emotion to their ultimate possible conclusion(s).
I excite every particle to impossible speeds, spinning and colliding, combining and fusing.
Old painful emotions combine with new jarring thoughts and,
WHAM!
A new element is created.  
It is violent and eviscerating evolution at breakneck speeds.
And it never ceases.
Or slows.
It's not all bad though,
As I said, new elements are always being created,
New concepts,
Differing perspectives,
Brand-spanking-new thoughts created from the raging fires of the old.
I am far too logical to discard a thought, however painful.
It must be run through the particle accelerator,
Again and again,
Until it collides with so many other ideas
That it is completely obliterated,
By the formation of a new and superior understanding.

Won't the future be nice?
So many benefits of modern technology.
You don't have to go grocery shopping,
Heck, your fridge can order for you now!
Cameras inside the washer and dryer, 'cause yeah.
You can even order casual companionship with an app.
Won't be long before we'll be able to match genomes online,
Probably interconnected with your social media and dating sites of choice,
No need to talk, or even meet, your phone just beeps and you know:
You've found the perfect mate!
Modern convenience folks, step right u-
Oh wait, no, stay home, get married right from your couch!
What's wrong you have the perfect mate, the perfect job, perfect home(s), 1.312 kids, 2.617 pets-
Love???
There's probably an app for that...

I grew up moving from place to place,
Usually about once a year.
It is very difficult for a child to form friendships,
When they are never in the same school two years in a row.
Military brats go through this, I'm told.

My childhood was a series of disasters and moves.

Like the apartment building in Alexandria that caught on fire every other weekend.
Where my step-dad lost control of the car and tried to stop by sticking his foot out of the door.
My sister almost died from an allergic reaction to soap.
I fell off the jungle-gym and nearly bit off my lower lip.

We moved.

The townhouse in burke where my step-dad went through the sliding glass door, face-first.
Where he got Tiger, the 75 lb. German Sheppard,
Who was crazy and scared the **** out of us constantly.
Let's see what else?
I knocked my sister out of a second-story window,
Our babysitter was a ******,

We moved.

The townhouse in Fairfax where I first saw my step-dad hit my mother,
Where we lived when they divorced.
This is where we lived when the 300 lb. redneck enjoyed trying to **** me on a daily basis.
Our college student tenant had to stand up for me.

We moved.

Basically to make a long story short, not a lot of ****** stability in my childhood.

Disaster.

Move on.

Every single adult relationship continued this pattern.

Whether this is because I unconsciously seek out these situations, I don't know.

Probably.

I sometimes think that people need their disasters, so they have a reason to give up.

I am sick of disasters.
I am tired of moving on.
I am sick and tired of giving up.

And of being given up on.

It is a painful, strengthening, heart-breaking, uplifting, terrifying, enlightening, emptying, and fulfilling journey through horror and wonder.

Leading one inevitably towards confrontation with oneself.  

It is the path to balance.

squeak

squeak  squeak

Megaphone Clicks

I SAID:  I MISS YOU!

I feel like some of these small pathetic creatures

crawling around under lash and disdain

forced to listen to droning treatises on how to fly

used to be birds

Daaaaamn gurl,

You got a **** brain on you!

Just wanna give a shout out to my mom and dad,

Who got married a full 3 months before I was born,

But despite whose valiant efforts,

I still turned out to be a *******.

I know, ultimately, it's true what they said,
That when it all comes down, we make our own beds,
Now we're adults, let's mess up the covers by jumping like kids,
I know we've a long way to go, but there's a life to be lived!

Dear Rapture,

It's been so many years, I'm so sorry to intrude,
I've so many things to say, but I've no desire to be rude,
I've tried to keep me locked away, during our long interlude,
I guess I've done okay, but so much has happened, and it isn't all good.

How are you?  I hope things are well.  I think about you, you know.
What've you been up to? Do tell! I haven't heard a word since so long ago.
I don't want to renew a war, but I had to either reach out or explode,
Tact's gone right out the door, for hope our hearts had adjacent zip codes.

What ever happened to you, what did you think, I wonder constantly,
You said give you space, or was it time, or was it just a slow-burn for me?
I always gave you the benefit of the doubt, but I just don't know lately...
I toss and turn, this garden bed feels like a grave, forgotten and buried.

The distance between us is further than any airline has ever been,
I'm sure that, like me, you've felt it growing since our relationships end.
I know we both hurt, we lost so many truths in all the confusion,
And I feel like the biggest loser of all because I lost my best friend.

If I sent this letter off, tear-stained and folded into a paper plane,
If it prevailed on the Trade Wind and soared away to your windowpane,
If it tapped ever-so-lightly, would you let it in or would you refrain?
Would you turn it away, unread, to dissolve in the Cascadian rain?

Maybe I'm hoping beyond hope, a delusional version of Lion-O's sight,
I just had to try one last time before we drift off into that long goodnight,
Though I go not gently, I'm no devil and I've no desire to cause a fright,
But hell, I'd wrestle all the angels in heaven if it was a question of might.

Well, I guess there's nothing I can do but fold it up and throw it hard,
Try not to shed a rogue tear when the movie gets to that part,
And whenever the clock says 2:22, 3:38, or 11:11, I'll wish on a star,
Truly, I just want you to know I care,

I love you,
Sincerely,
From,
Afar

Pooky,

I love you
I miss you
I want you
I need you

You are every hope
You are every dream
You are my only wish

Renegade, rebel, foul-mouthed malcontent
Abused, abandoned, discarded, youth misspent
Smoker, toker, poem-writing music maker
***-sellin', ****-it-oh-wellin', no-****-taker

I'd probably have had a criminal empire if I'd kept my course
Instead of being an estranged father and statistic of divorce
Unemployable, unstable, emotionally unavailable basket-case
Polo-shirt-khaki-wearin' fashion-victim of the corporate rat race

I coulda been a gangsta, a rocker, an actor, or even a ****-star
It woulda been easy with my childhood and my broken-*** heart
I coulda had money, mansions, cars, endless drugs, and ***-on-tap
Instead, I gave that all up for a hopeless hope and a lonely fap

I guess that sounds kinda pathetic, but even that's alright
Because it won't be long before little man yells, "Dad, let's play Fortnite!"

This heartbreak was an incantation,
Rumor and influence and imitation.
Malevolent power channeled through,
Assumptions and lies deftly hewn.
Dark runes gouged into bedrock,
Strong shoulders disfigured by stony bulk.
Fault lines grinding thoughts to dust,
Eldritch-enspelled entropy engraving rust.
Mortally wounded by arrival unreported,
Time and space...     by distance distorted.
Lost and found, wreckage on stormy sea,
Seeking our love, stolen in infancy.

A garden trowel in a patch of irradiated weeds

An odometer in an endless maze of MickeyD's

An encyclopedia in a pawn shop full of tweakers

A love song on a boombox with broken speakers

May I present several examples of useless things with nothing to do

Now if you think those're bad, you should see what I'm like...

Caution: Objects in poems are deeper than they appear.

The more shallow it looks, the deeper it is.

Please wear your life vest at all times,

And may we take this moment to highly recommend the buddy system?

We happen to have one available if you are unable to locate a buddy.  😊

Time is always in the past

Even now

Is in the past

Now

All the years I will spend waiting

Will eventually be one with

All the years I have spent waiting

Still, I will wait

Very Zen...

But it's not because I am patient

I am not a patient boy  hums Fugazi

Or some studied guru or master of meditation

Nor am I Rip Van Winkle, for that matter

But if you ask me if I'm waiting, the answer is as it has always been:

Yeah, I'm waiting....

Are you afraid to get close to me,

Because I'm not how you expected I'd be:

Because I'm not what you told yourself to see?

Could it be that you avoided remembering me?