will you forgive me
for all the terrible things i've said
for all of the mistakes i have yet to correct
for all the times i thought i wasn't good enough
for every tear that has fallen for someone that has not deserved it
for every time i wrote a poem and didn't tell the whole truth
for every opportunity i've said no to
for every time i didn't respect myself as much as i should have
for every person i have disappointed

i will.

i will forgive myself
for all the terrible things i've said
for all of the mistakes i have yet to correct
for all the times i thought i wasn't good enough
i will forgive myself
for every tear that has fallen for someone that has not deserved it
for every time i wrote a poem and didn't tell the whole truth
for every opportunity i've said no to
for every time i didn't respect myself as much as i should have
for every person i have disappointed
i will forgive myself
and
i will forgive myself for ever even thinking that i would not

I fell in love
down by the shore,
where the water was sweet,
and the air even more.

A field of sunflowers
stretched out before us.
You plucked one
and placed it in my hair.
You said I was beautiful,
and I believed you.

Lazy days of chain-smoking
and drinking too much
made me melt like butter.
I was lost and now I'm found.
I was alone and now I'm not.

I found myself at the end of myself
and forever continue to do so.

Don't fall in love with me
Because I have so much love to give
I will suffocate you and drain you
I will leave you gasping for air
Don't fall in love with me
For I don't know how to love myself
I depend on others for my happiness
I am terrified of being alone
Don't fall in love with me
I am a natural disaster
I will destroy you
Please don't fall in love with me

you painted a starry sky
on your nails
and the reflection in your eyes
says everything you hide

not sure what to do
I wish I could be with you

be well
sometimes listening to your heart
can break you apart

and if you think it's love
it may not feel like love

open your sad eyes

the world is waiting for you

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.

may 24, 2017
last suicide attempt
everyone blamed you
it was him
he hurt you
why do you even talk to him still?

you were never the reason
you broke up with me that night
and i snapped
the only thing that kept me happy
left
and i had
zero reason to
live

it was never your fault...

1 - The action of killing oneself intentionally
And every moment that I spend thinking about it
The more scared I become of my own power
To take
To stop
To cease to exist
New lives begin
Every second
I’m not exactly
A great loss

2 - A course of action which is disastrously damaging to oneself or one's interests
My whole life has been
Suicide
So carefully planned out
The most elaborate note
In every pen stroke
In drawings aged 5
Red marker symbolic
Of the future
I had barely begun
A self destructive path
Had been forged
Long before
I could even hold a pen

3 - A running drill consisting of a sprint to a set point and back to the start, immediately followed by additional sprints of lengthening distances.
After a sprint
Your muscles give up
I think
I must
Be more unfit
Than most

they say love is not supposed to hurt
but it does.
it hurts to say it.
it hurts to feel it.
it hurts to know it.

but maybe it's not the love itself
that is painful.
what's painful are the cracks
and ropes
that trap us to this mess.
I'm tired of being trapped here
and I'm tired of feeling hurt.
I wanna escape
but there's not a single way out