i'm forcing words out
just to fight the /lonely/

but it doesn't work
nothing ever does

not even twelve hours of sleep
not even chocolates or sweets
not even countless cat videos

nothing ever does

not even when i'm surrounded with people
the /lonely/ doesn't leave
company makes me more solitary

lying in bed alone at ten in the morning

feels
the
same
as

being with people but just faking happy

heck
the
former
is
more
comforting

so tell me
how do you heal this /lonely/

how do you break free from its chains
i've been a captive for so long
i don't even remember how to not be

who even am i without the /lonely/

but these days i can't even function properly
i'm sinking deeper
deeper
deeper

words used to make me stay afloat
but now they're just w o r d s

and i can't find salvation anywhere

so tell me
how do you fight this /lonely/

tell me
before it completely drowns me

thank you for coming into my life
for knocking on my closed doors

i'm sorry for the days when it seem like there's no one on the other side,
for the days when i forget that i'm not alone

i know that you also get those kind of days,
when ghosts come uninvited
and i'm sorry for not being there

but i also know that you're strong
and capable of chasing them away
you're one of the strongest persons i've met
(but you're also one of the most fragile)

i'm thankful that the universe conspired for us to not only meet,
or cross paths
or be acquainted
or settle for what we already had
but also to be more than that

more than i ever thought would be possible
maybe it's just you and your persistence
that tied our constellations together

but it's bigger than that, it's bigger than us

he's bigger than the universe and its conspiracies
and i thank Him everyday for the gift of your existence

i often wonder if my impact on your life is as big as your impact on mine
i know that it's not

you're surrounded by all these wonderful people
and i'm happy that you are

just remember that i may not be the first person you will run to
but i'll always be here for you

and i will always support you
in whatever you do
in wherever you go
in whoever you choose to be
or to be with

i will always support you
or not if it'll probably
be something you'll regret after

i have a bad history with friendship
i am filled with distant memories from strangers
with moments from the time of what once was

it's sad
and i don't want that to happen to us

i hope not

because i want to be there in your future
i want to be part of your future

you're one of the brightest constellations i've seen
(even on your bad days)
and i want to witness your good days
your best days

the days we've always dreamed of,
the unforgettable ones
the ones that doesn't involve school and tiring routines

i know that we'll make it

i wish you all the happiness
and fewer sad days

i also wish you love
may you find it at the right place
at the right time
from the right people

and from yourself

because you are not as terrible as you think you are

you are loved, you are wanted
and believe me—
we are thankful for your existence,
i am thankful for your existence

*(and i hope that this day will be one of the unforgettable ones)

Words could be a dangerous thing.
Once they are said, they can’t be forgotten.
But what’s more even dangerous is the idea of ‘you’
Once, you felt home but soon became storm.

Love stories could be a wonderful thing.
Once they are read, they can fascinate us.
But our story wasn’t perfect as everyone would expect,
It narrates how you put me into dark abyss of loneliness.

Songs could be a powerful magic.
Once they are heard, they give meaning to everything.
Yet our song consists of sad melody and unsaid words,
It is pleasant until it drowns you.

And like a photograph that captures everything,
That is supposed to be kept on your pocket.
But our photograph isn’t worth to keep
I’d rather let it carried by flood along with your memories.

I feel like I've given up. Nobody cares, not even you so why am I drawn to you? I hate this emptiness , I want to rip it all out but there's nothing there , so it's pointless.
  
I am trapped in a cage of ribs , my heart and my decisions are too strongly connected, this way of living is not safe, so I'll leave you alone so you won't get infected.

I apologize again for diving too deep into your ocean blue eyes. I drowned in them a year ago. I'm sorry that we couldn't say our last goodbyes.

I scribbled your face into wasted trees, I gave them to you even if doing so made it hard to breath. I fell too hard , I wish I wasn't raised to believe that finding love will set me free.

I have a lot of love for the broken, the tattered and torn; those who carry the burdens of a human heart.

I want to find a place where–
darkness can’t find me.

A place where judging eyes
are blind.

Somewhere safe,
but never dull.

Where happiness don’t last
and sadness is okay.

I want to be free from
everything that suffocates me.

A place where insecurities and flaws–
are harmless as bubbles.

Where the emptiness in
my chest, is filled.

Somewhere unknown,
but trickles familiarity.

I wish to find this place–
and escape.