the door slams shut

i hear the sound of mommy and daddy yelling.

cursing. i hear mommy screaming daddies name.

silence

i hear the quiet footsteps, boots dragging across the carpet floor.

"anabelle" daddy yelled.

i hushed, wanting to cry.

what happened to mommy, i wondered.

i heard the pound on the door

"anabelle LET ME IN" this always happened.

i thought i was daddies little girl.

he was intoxicated, the known smell entered my nose.

he sweared multiple times, tears rushing down my cheeks.

i heard the sound of sirens in the distance.

"come out with your hands up, paul!"

daddies name was called.

he banged harder on the closet door, until it finally fell to pieces.

"anabelle!" he screamed angrily in my face.

the police was right behind him, and i didn't say a single word.

"let her go" and i was dropped like a penny.

i saw my mommy on the floor like a rag doll.

battered and bruised, but beautiful.

but now, she was gone.

Today,
I'm all alone
wrapped in the freezing cold December wind
standing next to my old high school gates

I don't even know why it somehow brings
a beaming memory
whom whispers a secret
between an affectionate boy and a mindless girl

June 29, 2010,
I still remember your voice inside my head, sucker
'Can I talk to you for a while?'
'No,' I answered, shortly
I laughed inside my head and smiled
cause I thought I had killed
your feelings toward me

December 14, 2011,
You haven't given up on me
Not yet, I guess
'Stop acting like a butterfly,' you sweared while smirking
at me, of course
'I'm not,' I denied him, as usual
'well, look at you now.
Trying to get away from me every single time I try to catch you,'

I didn't know if it was because of your smile
or your dazzling eyes
all I ever knew was
my heart just skipped one of its beats

June 29, 2012,
I'm sorry I couldn't escape the walls I've built
neither could I find my dead soul
I was trapped in my self-centered mind and
love
for the first time ever was not the key

You were wrong about catching butterflies
because you see, I didn't fly away

instead I was waiting
to be free
like a bird in a golden cage
you should've won me

Today*,
It's December 14, 2013
this is why
everything drives me back
to *that day
when my heart unbelievably skipped a beat

I know the affectionate boy is still there
trying to find something that fits
the keyhole of my self-centered mind

Contemporary words hath I evaded,
Sweared to swear thine,
Fo' the respect o' thee faded,
Throwed me, e'ry words o' fame thou lied,
Only for t'se blasphemious plight,
Curious cherishity o' mine birth hath taken,
Quiet blade o' thy palm, hath rest broken,
Unrelated bloods' related as blood,
Mates, masked t'en thy hath brought me to cut,
Tranquil drops o' life, heat kisseth, fast flow'th,
Taste o' t'se machetes, my body tast'th,
Final screams 'n my mouth, silence stuff'th,
Drops o' my own blood t'en blind'th me,
Lips o' thy blade seal my n'ck with t'at kiss,
Final beats o' my heart 'n thy hand pumpeth,
Mysterious reas'n attract'th my death.

i ventured past the memory lane
and filled the broken soul with delight
it's foolish how first love mended me
in a way not one possibly can
how every reminisce is enthralling to embrace like a glistened storyframe
one that tickles hope of another reason to live;
it's foolish how firsts remain striking
the times that were everglowing, enchanting
there's no need for weariness, when somebody accepted me for who I am
sweared to stay forever–in victories and downfalls.

frightening how a perfectly written story by a god turns stormed and wicked
how my ceaseless heart slowly is tormented
when i thought the first would keep its words
silly of me to assume
but all goes into hues of blues
and when i thought he's the sunlight
to my ****, cold melancholic night

he left on a windy day alike a flowing kite
with no proper goodbyes
and shattered his promises one by one
like a rushing ambulance, crashing dreams in a scene of dawn and fires
at that point, i knew that the garden we've grown are closely wilting
going back at one, a stranger, whom i treated like an art
carefully realizing— no apologies can now return an exhausted heart
no prayers could turn back the twisted time
and no wishes from the stars could heal the scars and damaged mind

hurting thyself, is it a mere nightmare?
my body felt a sensation of falling
not in love, but defying gravity slowly from a skyscraper
at the broad daylight, my old self died
and eternally—a part of me has bid rage and farewell
like a child departing from her long-time bestfriend

in a dilemma, everything has been changing as fast as the thunderbolt
i ventured past the memory lane
and filled the broken soul with regret
it's foolish how first love broke me
in a way not one possibly can
how every reminisce battled me at night
and turned me frail
tomorrow, i knew, there were no reasons to live furthermore

it's foolish how I thought the first would be last,
with all timelines, phases, and secrets shared from past;
however, here's to our history, and to my self
who thought of finding genuine love from a stranger
finally, devouring the crept of once again, being lost.

Drove through the wasteland with purpose.
Pulled up and parked at the compound.
The lonely building felt lifeless,
I stepped inside lookin around.
This lady gave me a number,
stone faced, she pointed said, "sit down."
Wandered there with the others,
who looked so hopeless and wigged out.
Another number said, "First time?
This is prolly my sixth now."
Heard number nineteen uttered.
Followed the voice to my fate.
Solemnly sweared on my mother,
to tell the truth to his face.
But before I had one word,
the Judges mind had been made.

he stared in my eyes
and sweared to god he loved me
well bud, looks like somebody is headed to hell
those lies are harsh.
they hurt a whole lot
but ****, look what i've gained
truth
and nothing is more powerful.
i have secrets that you don't want out
so erasing you from my life was easy
my thoughts... not so much
because my dreams run wild
and punches are thrown
sending you crashing to your knees
dignity and all
too bad they are only silly dreams
where i am stronger and more powerful
in this life, i steer clear from your body
in fear of your power
you don't play mind games though,
i do,
you're just too stupid to realize it
so i take your brain
make you feel awful
so then i can feel better
knowing you feel half as bad as i did
hurting you all the way would be cruel,
i can't ruin you
i'm not that evil,
even though i know you are, were and always will be

I got myself here
So why is it so hard to get back
Back to the days without medication
Back to the days I was happy
I get myself here
Doing things I sweared I never would.
They just come back and haunt me
Wanting me to do it again
This poem is a mess
And so am I
I'm in shambles over all of this
I'm on a fine line.

You texted and talked....
Even slightly stalked...

You exalted praise...
What an ego raise...

You said you loved...
So I thought you loved....

You fussed and cared...
So I thought you cared...

You pledged you sweared...
And so slowly I dared...

I loosened the grip...
I let my heart trip..,

At first all said...
Was sweetness spread...

My thoughts my words...
Were chirping birds...

For hours and hours....
And hours and hours...

We’d talk and chat....
Timeless was that....

All of a sudden....
I turned to burden....

Abrupt it was....
Didn’t know the cause....

So bitter you turned....
My heart it burnt....

All sweet turned sour....
Every minute every hour....

It stabbed my soul...
Esse shaken whole...

I tried to reach...
To know to preach...

Just why and what...
That’s all I sought...

So vague so weird...
So strangely severed...

I longed so much...
For a wordly touch...

Please just one word...
I yearned for a word....

Silence only...
**** the melancholy...

It dawned on me..,
Just played did thee...

Those words were fake...
My mind did wake...

Metamorphosed am I...
Now I no more sigh....

Now am not the same.....
I evolved in your game....

Mr Spike, went on a bike,
with his naughty friends for a hike,
everything was still, they were enjoying the thrill,
but they hit a rock and tumbled down the hill,
everyone later sweared that night, never to take spike for a hike..

Why,
Old Friend,
Do you look at me
How you look at someone
Who you never see?

What,
Old Friend,
Happened to us?
Remember those days
Upon the school bus?

Do You even remember
the secrets we shared-
laughs that we had-
oaths that were sweared?

Why,
Old Friend,
Has time consumed you?
It's almost as if I never knew you.

Well,
Old Friend,
As the days go on,
You will never be there.
You will always be gone.

night covers all;
as critters crawl crosstown
casting graffiti shadows over
walls and huddled mounds
of despair

I encountered one
wrong-turned
down a cul-de-sac
off northside

a weathered boot
caught my eye

I swerved and sweared
sparing bones
and medicaid

but for the moon
and rearview magic,
my conscience would've been stained
in homeless blood

~ P

been working on this project now for a month or two
ive cursed and ive sweared till the air was blue
its  a crawler tractor im trying to restore
cant find the parts i need to make run once more

forty year old parts are left behind
ive searched every where there so hard to find
wrote a note to santa to what he could do
maybe he can help find a part or two

put them on his sliegh deliver them to me
fill my heart with joy instead of misery
and my rusty crawler will be happy to
he can run again start again a new

so please mr santa see what you can do
i wish you all the best. happy new year to