I catch myself sulkin' in a dangerous headspace far to often
Hope fadin' to nothin' as I witness this slowly becomin' a trend
Does life's chokehold ever loosen?
Possibly but probably only after recordin' just one more win
Does the fall from grace to then through the bottom of my rock bottom ever soften?
How many of life's knockout blows to the chin can I take before smelling salts are no longer an option
They completely stop workin', then, try as you might I can no longer be woken but I'm not dreamin'
I hate to think it but is my inner peace destin to be found in a cheap coffin from some morbid discount bin
Only then activatin' when they set me in and my body begins the process of decomposin'
I'm not that lucky, I already know how it'll end
Only leads to a destination for those with the designation of unforgiven
Seems like I was made pre-broken but more often than not the why is an overpriced question, so it's rarely spoken
How is any of this benefital to my survival and progression towards a vaguely promised fairy tail endin'
Feels like regression made it it's mission to win the tug o war competition and it's lookin' like it did while barely tryin'
There's only so far I can bend, destined to give in, I'm sayin' when with a voice through a digital pen
Regardless who's payin' attention, wether anybody likes it or not there's no stoppin' or dodgin' what's comin'
If history's taught me anythin' it's that there's no way this isn't happenin', it's both out of my hands and out of the question
I won't beg you to listen, the dead end repetition has caused me to bail on even the lowest bar of expectation
I'm not strong enough to keep goin', I can no longer pretend, can't count on myself to treat myself like a friend
I've never known or at least have forgotten how to mend, now I'm the firey wreckage of a doomed hydrogen Zeppelin
A bad idea tried over and over again, full send, hand your beer to a friend, yeah, we all know that definition
I'm a multi fasited paradox, like water and oil mixin', or a Christian followin' what Jesus was actually teachin'
Good and evil coexistin' under the same skin so there's a constant battle ragin' within
Given advice but don't listen, cost of hate skyrocketin' but I'm buyin' in without even researchin'
Ignorin' every critical warnin' while needlessly explorin' the landmine riddled mess I'm in
My own reflection is a poor representation, I begin witnessin' the facade crackin' revealin' a twisted perfection
But perfection was never the requirement, but still a required lesson
I couldn't begin to tell you how many times I was a dollar short of payin' attention
Realization sets in mid tail spin, lost all sense of direction, my guidance system way overdue for an inspection
But once again no one gets in even though I'm desperately needin' a licensed technician
My problems baffle the best of list of repair men to the point they go searchin' out a new profession
I'm an occupational hazard, a coward, findin' the bad in every good situation, a magnet for confrontation
Then I start thinkin', maybe my malfunction is beyond repairin' so I focus in on my masks restoration
The projection of a sane person is important as to not draw attention to this infection of darkness that's spreadin'
An infestation of my past, present and future anxieties manafestin', fear on every station, runnin' into problems at every elevation
A hate hate relation, both comin' from and directed at the same person
Cursin' my own existence as every action taken to better this god forsaken life adaptation only sees the situation worsen
What's the solution? Where do I even begin lookin'? Is there a guide I could or should be followin'?
If I told you hope was taken all the way back before my creation I'm sure it'll have you thinkin' I must be mistaken
But I have no stake in or reason to lie, no exaggeration needed when the truth alone is so friggin frightenin'
Don't come a knockin', you wouldn't want me to invite you in, the den is set up like a ***** dungeon
Horrendous ***** happenin' within these walls, under my skin, you couldn't and shouldn't try to imagine
It'll break you down like a fraction, plus, I can't say that I can see the attraction
You're gonna have to come up with an explanation for that one again, start from the beginnin'
'Cause I thought I made the warnin' clear, extra bold between each quotation, reiderated in every caption
Let me give you some life changin' advice son, run, don't look back till you see kingdom come on the horizon
I'm not one to bet on, a hopeless lost cause, it'd do you well to move on

©2022

I am just a mess
Of wonderful contradictions
Like my heart says one thing
But my brain just cant listen
That's what's cold
About living in a world so cold

Days turn to freezing nights
Friday nights turn to starting fights
Your shirts are my sweatshirts
Tucked in a drawer
To help me
Sleep at night
Don't steer to far from the sidewalk
To scared to walk at Night

Ever Since you left
things have gotten a little harder
Try not to think about you
Just to get past it
But every time i see these little couple
looking cute with their boos
It gets a little bit harder
to stop thinking about you

But don't forget
you were my king
I was
your Queen

Our exteriors like gold
and all you did was
scratch me
Had mental breakdowns
every time your your name
had crossed me

In your arms
the only place i ever felt free
your word were the key
the key to my heart
Filled with your lies

But every time i paid the fee
Every time i rebuilt me

And i admit
it had hurt
Cuz i had thought
you were my gift sent--
sent from my guardian angel

But instead
you were the best dressed curse
Sent down as a test
and i had failed
Cuz i fell for you

For a second i thought you were falling too
But on contrary
you turned out to be playing games
Out running rampant on these streets acting strange
i guess that's what happens
when you let your man run on free range

I swear this life is so funny right
Living in a cold world
Every one is in their own inner wars
Losing battles, dodging love, and chasing acceptance
Running towards the closer exit
to scared to be loved
to familiar to what their ex did  

Young girls walking around with their hearts already broken
lowering their voices
trying not to be outspoken
face soaked in
tears
so tired of sulkin

Living in a cold world
our hearts are all frozen
my hearts already broken
I guess tha'ts why i cant stop smoking
i figure if i just keep rollin
i might be able to escape these emotions

My flaws
My fragments
My scars

Living in a world so cold
Living  in a world were
Your self-worth is equal to Instagram likes
Lowering your self worth hoping
He'll reply
But babygirl sometimes
its better to be shy
To shy away from the people that make you cry
the people that make you wanna run away and hide
The people that make you believe it would be easier to die
The problems you can't answer why

Living in a world so cold
It's greatest Contradiction
it's beauty held in it's own mass destruction
Its beauty held in the paths it corrupts
Its defined as beautiful corruption
Recycled, broken pieces
that's beautiful destruction  
Living in a world with wonderful contradictions
It's freedom blooms in it's own restrictions
all facts start with fiction
Our opinouns transform to our definitions
Between all the religion, politicians, and convictions
I don't know if i'm ready for all the
Deceptions, Contradictions, and Obcessions

Living in a world
A world with wonderful contradictions

What’s up with all these white walls,
and why do they follow me wherever I go,
at the house at the gym,
at the yoga and music studios,

and what’s up with this feeling,
that the bigger the city the lonelier the heart,
see just when you think you’ve reached the finish line,
you realize that actually it’s just the start,

because the bigger the walls are,
the more I feel boxed in,
and I become trapped,
in the four walls I’m lost in,

got in,
around age ten,
now everyone wants a piece,
of what's reaped from the pen,

Nice Win,
that’s what I should call this one,
if you’re already reading this,
I don’t need an introduction,

no other words needed,
except “Congratulations nice win!”,
now what prize would you like,
as a consolation,

“Well Sir.”,
you replied,
that’s tough to decide,
when you’re hi as a star in a good constellation,

and since we’re on the subject of constellations,
what would you call ours,
maybe Big Tripper because Big Dipper’s taken,
I wonder if we could have a Mars,

a Mars as in other planets,
not similar but similar enough to get along,
and speaking of getting along I forgot the subject,
so now I’m Self Edited sulkin’ like Culkin Home Alone,

but don’t trespass,
because I’ve got ***** traps,
if you’re not on the Guest List,
then please don’t pass,

because only thing beyond here,
is white walls that’re real tall,
which gives a feeling of total freedom,
with all windows and no bars,

no bars except these of course,
didn’t mean that last verse as a dis,
to every Bubble Gum Rapper,
and especially to whoever’s at the top of That List,

I wonder what you’d call it,
it as in this,
this life this waking dream,
this moment in time we are all in,

free fallin',
hear the Devil callin',
God too but I'm not ready to move,
so in my body I'm still ballin',

don’t call the enemy Hate,
call the enemy The Darkness of Ignorance,
which is ironic because they say,
the Illuminati is actually the one that offends,

living a fairy tale day dream,
in this story that never ends,
white clouds and white walls,
good times with good friends,

what’s up with all these white walls,
and why do they follow me wherever I go,
at the house at the gym,
at the yoga and music studios,

and what’s up with this feeling,
that the bigger the city the lonelier the heart,
see just when you think you’ve reached the finish line,
you realize that actually it’s just the start...

∆ LaLux ∆

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