I was in 7th grade when Sammie was born.
I remember someone walked into my classroom to give me the message,
that my very first niece had arrived.
I was so excited,
I almost cried.

Right after school my cousin rushed me to see her.
I remember she was so tiny,
I held her carefully in fear that I would break her.
She was the cutest little thing I had ever seen.
She even smiled at me.

She was premature,
so there were a few things that needed to be done.
She was a little sick and ended up staying in the hospital for awhile,
and because she was born only three days before my birthday,
I spent my 13th birthday with her in the hospital room.

I didn't mind spending my time there.
I loved seeing her sweet little face.
Although I hated when she'd cry,
and we weren't allowed to comfort her.
She was so beautiful and fragile.

Before I knew it,
she started growing.
She started out as a baby who just slept all the time,
and turned into a crazy toddler,
who often walked into my room and stole my breakfast every morning.

When she started to talk,
she began calling me "Mamber".
She couldn't say Amber without an M at the beginning,
but I didn't try correcting her.
I loved it.

Suddenly she was 5 years old.
She started talking like a little adult,
and she'd sing along to all my favorite songs with me.
She would sometimes push my buttons just for a good laugh,
but I wouldn't change a thing.

When she turned 7,
we realized she was a little different than most kids.
She had fears,
similar to the ones I struggle with as an adult,
and she could barely function because of those fears.

We realized she had anxiety and OCD.
To think that my sweet little niece had to carry such a heavy weight,
broke my heart into pieces.
I've felt the power of anxiety,
and I know the pain that comes with it.

Thankfully,
we found a way to help her cope,
and she no longer suffered as badly.
A fear here and there would pop up along the way,
but nothing abnormal like before.

She's now 8 years old,
but she likes to pretend she's 18.
She tells me she wants to call me Amber now,
and I refuse to let her.
I think it'll break my heart if she does.

She looks around my room,
and admires the paintings and drawings I've done,
and tells me that when she's big she wants to do things like I do.
I tell her that when she gets big,
she can do anything she wants to.

I never knew I could love a little human being so much.
Sometimes I pick her up and squeeze her,
just to tell her that she has got to stop growing up so fast.
She tells me she wants to be big,
and that being little isn't fun.

I know she will grow up,
regardless of how much I want her to stay small,
but there's one thing I will never stop teaching her.
I will relay it in her mind,
until it sticks with her.

I will tell her:
Keep that child-like spirit.
Be a kid at heart,
always.
And never let the world convince you to grow up too fast.

I love my Sammie.
She will always be little in my eyes.
Even when she's the age I am right now,
I will always see that little curly headed girl,
with the bright hazel eyes..

so ready to conquer the world.

<3

Oh my God you figured it out. Oh my God. Now I know. And I'm so glad.

I FIGURED IT OUT!!!!!!

I don't like him. I don't love him.

THAT WOULD BE ******
because we are one and he is me and I am him and what I thought was love was just me being stupid and just me liking how he likes to cuddle and now I know it's not true and I can't thank you enough.

And you put it into words so eloquently, not your strongest point Sammie.

You can get married or whatever but don't date cause that would be ******.

And it would be and it is so thank god we're not dating even though everyone wants us too.

I'm so relieved

And I texted you thanks Sammie and you replied ok... and I sent you a smiley face even though what I really wanted to do was kiss you and thank you a billion time because now I'm not confused anymore and I don't need to be embarrassed or hate myself because I didn't want to like him. And now I know I don't.

True love, the kind in fairy tales - ya know the ones with witches and knights, strapping princes and tarot-reading witches - is unexpected.

Don't listen to your mother and her love stories, or those cheap dime store romances. Love is not a teenage dream, or the flings on the soap operas (winning your Lucas back from that ***** Sammie, always my grandma's favorite villain in Days of Our Lives). Grandma, the life, love and days i want are different.

Love is fluttering butterflies. The uncertainty of knowing if this moment lasts, seeing a rainbow. The feeling always has an unspoken expiration date. It is rare. So rare that we pay psychics to find it, and whole forests have been lost amidst writing out our collective fantasies.

I guess it's a good thing my ideal love isn't grown on trees then. Supernovas can't be purchased. Trading hearts isn't easy. In fact, it hurts so much that Shakespeare's ghost considers revising Romeo and Juliet any time he thinks of what love has shown me. My love burns like a broken heart might sting if you shoved it full of stardust.

The ancestors knew love is a mystery. The sphinx doesn't know our riddle, and if spells worked I wouldn't be reading this poem. I can't waste anymore hope on tarot cards which have become worn out, bent, and far too familiar since I met you, love. Here let me explain:

The smell of you is a kind of mystic vapor. The oracles at Delphi would trade in their visions for one of yesterday's t-shirts. Don't be embarrassed or confused, I'm not here to play The Fool. I've already proven that we both can be The Magician, High Priestess and The Emperor. The magic of love is bigger than either of us.

My love comes with keys to my kingdom, sit on my throne, direct my armies, and borrow The Chariot. Hell, you can have the castle! You know that's what fairy tale sweethearts do.

This kingdom has known no Empress. That seat sits empty. Think you're man enough for the position? In a future fantasy, you'd inspire the nation, just the way you'll inspire me. We'd leave a legacy. Pyramids, empires, new eras, and new faiths would rise in our names. Pharaohs would envy how the Hierophant pronounces us inseparable. In my fairy-tale, letting down walls is easy. Love knows no labels, no limits, no bounds. Love is fairy dust.

In my 3 part epic, love and romance are no burden. See, this fantasy is one we read through time-to-time and I'm only just learning how to trust wishes made on shooting stars and genies in bottles. No one before has ever made it past the dragons, soldiers and that Minotaur. Believe me when I say, you appeared out of thin air and I trust in fate now. Thank you. I know you aren't the one. I'm learning to let you go.
I hope I do you justice. When you showed up, I prayed to my fairy godmothers for the first time I can recall. The last ******* ran off with Excalibur, the unicorns, and my scepter. "Oh well," you said. "That isn't what counts."

I've been a hermit so long, I forgot how to smile. But when I wake up in this new fairy-tale called life, I don't notice the treasurer, my wars, and problems in the kingdom or even that all my favorite princes still dream of finding their princesses most nights. Even that doesn't scare me. This is all too authentic and the heart gets used to being rejected. Stamped return to sender so many times, I can't count.

My happily-ever-after doesn't have to be perfect. I'm a realist, and besides, we've both gained so much that it feels like we finally landed a spin on the jester's wheel of fortune. Writing poems is something I gave up when I put aside these stories I grew tired of envying. Now I am writing my own. You currently don't fit the part of Prince Charming. Ironic since you inspired him.

Ya see my physical wants are just side effect of the real bliss that I find when I am myself beside you. I don't need ruby rings, or magic slippers to feel at home here. You give me the Strength to fight my own nightmares off. That’s a gift no elves could forge into gold.

It's the way you make the world explode into color that is worth any cost. It’s your honest caring that neutralizes the occasional tragedy. Besides, the drama, which is less dramatic than any of the past “once-upon-a-times” I've fallen into, only makes the story more exciting.

You broke the spell that a Black sorceress and her 3 sister put on you. I first felt like a hero that day at your side. Hearing you renounce your former desire to be the Hanged Man, or to desire Death, is still one of my favorite chapters of the story we wrote.

The love I dream of isn't easy, as I've said. It isn't always epic or fantastical. Sometimes it’s about finding the Temperance not to push potential princes off the balcony too often. There just aren't enough magic carpets these days. I've discovered that learning not to expect change is its own school of challenging wizardry. Luckily, I'm not bad with rare wands.

My love has its risks. I get it, love is usually a surprise! Love like this is easy to deny, fear or resist. I don't want a proposal or their parent's permission for a hand! I just want my prince to be the first person willing to face down The Devil for me, the only one who climbs my Tower and really ruffles the sheets, the one who outshines The Moon.

I don't want to be "that prince." I'm no former-frog; I'm no good with a sword. Honestly, I had given up on magic until you asked me to eclipse the moon. It wasn't hard. If I have to extinguish the Sun, my tears would swell and blacken the sky. I am glad I don't need to shed them anymore.

This love, rare and mystical, is like a leprechaun. Everyone wants it, nobody seems to find it. I got to the end of the rainbow though. It will go something like this, "once upon a drunken, Vegas night..." an Urban fantasy at its finest, if I do say so myself. I just don't want the *** of gold. Give me the dark, mysterious knight. **** the prince. I know it sounds crazy. He and the princess can take the *** of gold, the baby unicorn, and my Judgment too!

My love is risky. It has no chains, guarantees, or Geico lizard to vouch for it. No time-turner to fix it when I **** up, no love potion to make you stay. In my fairy tales, the dragons are our wounded personalities. His shining armor is a defense mechanism, and my damsel-in-distress routine won't work if we let the spark go out.

In my timeless romance, The Lovers learn to enjoy the moment. **** castles, I'd be happy to get a studio. I don't have a unicorn. My chariot looks the same after midnight. I can't promise riches, fame or immortality. And yeap, compared to the princesses, I'd better resemble a toad some mornings.

But I have a love that can put Shakespeare to shame. I'm more complex than Tolkien's Middle Earth, braver than Harry and just as scarred, smarter than Gandalf though I lack his beard, more patient than any of those damsels, and I bet I cook better. No, I know I do. Somehow, this quest has taught me self-confidence.

Unlike those fairy tales, I'm no finished masterpiece. This work in progress has a heart of gold, is on a quest, growing up daily and aims for future royalty. I'm looking for love, ready to leave Neverland, and all i have to offer you are my best effort, this worn deck of cards, myself, and all The World I can bewitch for us.

WANTED: one prince charming who can see themselves in this real-life fairytale.

living with a mind this
gladly doing the ***** i do not aspire to
very slow clap because my hands are full
& the thrill is gone
spending days friendless, loveless
in loneliness
nothing lies within
no pleasure coming
wearing mask, cannot take it off
easy task, only fake sweetness
wrenches me bad, even god
must get the blues

Suicide is not something you joke about!
Suicide is not something you should ever do!
Suicide is something that can hurt everyone around you!
Suicide is not something that you should think about!
So please if you will open your eyes you will see everyone will miss you!
SO DON'T **** YOURSELF!!!!!!!
R.I.P.
Sammie Muhammad at Carmichal Middle School in Richland, Washington

We are sisters as such,
Elbow to elbow,
Knee to knee.
They call her Maddie and Sammie is she.

My eyes are of dark,
And hers are of blue.
Maddies got the brains in her head,
Sam's the one with sand in her shoe.

I am goofy and fearless,
Always ready to shout.
The Sam that I am
Cuz why fit in when you are born to stand out.

I'm 9 and I'm Maddie.
I wonder and think and my thoughts are in tact.
I'm smart and I'm cautious.
But remember  life' s a great balancing act.

Our dads' name is Joe Shmoe
He's a wonderful dad,  this is truer than true.
Cuz there's noone alive
That is youer than you.

I am sitting here
Almost two full years later
(One week until to be exact)
And I still can't get you out of my head
It's late night phone calls that flood my memory
Like 12:46 AM
And You saying things like
"Please go to sleep, it's so late,
And I don't want you hurting in the morning"
And
"If I say something really sweet--
Well I think it's sweet, at least--
Will you go to sleep"
Then
"I want to be your first kiss"
But B, that's just who you are
You're the divide and conquer kind
It's little lines like
"I owe a penny"
And a competitive
"Well, I owe 100 pennies"
That make me want to cry
It's references to songs
And wanting to end my self inflicted scarring
When in reality
You are a part of that collection
It's that 11 PM call
Where you "met" my mother
If we could even call it that
It's two days later
And the first "I love you"
And me almost crying as those words
Tumbled from your mouth
I believed it all
I believed in you
But then it became
"You're a great girl
But I don't think this will work"
I waited for two weeks
Before making a mistake and coming back
I didn't think it was a mistake
When you asked for a date
Of cuddling on your uncle's couch
Because you just got your license
And wanted me to be first in your car
It was supposed to be teriyaki and your favorite movie,
Hercules
And you wouldn't have cared if I sang along
With every single song
Because you loved the idea
Of a private screening
Not in a ****** way
But of course,
You were a sixteen year old boy
You wanted ***
I can't believe I actually thought about it
And the simple words that
Made me believe it could happen
"Of course I'm upset, Silly,
I didn't get to see my girl"
A few days later the silence came
Because you decided
You couldn't date me because I attended
The school of your past
But you decided to date her
A character of the past attending your school of the past
You even convinced her to runaway with you
When CPS pulled some ******* moves
With your abusive father and standby mother
I could've been that girl
I could've loved you forever
I remember December
When you told me you'd found God
And tried to help convert me
You were the only one I'd let call me
"Sammie"
I've always thought it weird that
You were allowed to flirt with me
But it couldn't be me flirting with you
Even with your migraine
And my offer to give
"All the pennies in the world to make it all better"
I learned that's because you'd leave
Three days later
I waited **** near a year
Before reaching out to you again
With a letter drafted
A total of
Twenty-eight times
Because of an English teacher
Encouraging thanks
You replied and I filled with hope
Only for you to ask me to stop talking to you
And your friends
Even though Matt is my friend, too
But before leaving again
I was aware of the biggest backstabbing
In all of history
You were back with the friend I was defending
That brought us together
That made fun of your invisible genitals
I cried mercilessly
And ran to the bathroom
Throwing my body against the wall
Almost breaking my fists
Then I cooled off
Walked to the floor where
Bailey and I were dining
She on a turkey sandwich
With cheese, mustard, and olives
Myself on a buffet of tears
When I saw a tall figure I somehow knew was you
Signing out
She thought I was delusional
But when she turned
All she could say was,
"Samm...that is him"
And I huffed up my chest
Stuck up my head
Dried my eyes
And bit my lip
I held it together for a
Full five seconds
After you walked out the door
And I ran faster than I'd ever run before
Faster than you'd ever run before
Even with football before your shoulder
And bashed a dent in that concrete wall
You tried to contact me
January of this year
We talked for a bit because I'm stupid
When it comes to the past
But then I called you a *******
And you left
I didn't talk to you until May afterward
Before Cole broke my heart
But B,
*******
Please stop haunting me
Please leave me alone

Look at me. Now look at your Love's Best Face
Between us both should un-bridge this Compare
How Worldwide Souls plead with your own Fast Grace
And her patient Prayers ask for you there
Now since you Learned her Independence that
Soon her Arm's Reach will promote to a Palm
As many Groupies do hassle her at
When Sammie and Jackie re-unite upon
So in this Contrast - where does my Role shift
Far from Connection in so much a Pearl
A Thorn, at that! ***** this Bleeding Thumb lift
Which by the Scythe cut the Phantom and furl.
Even though these Issues may Lock and Wane
Three Years hence, these Tears relieve my Insane.

I love my cat
because she hates me.

she brings home half-mutilated mice
and crickets
and throws them on my bed.

I yell at her then I pet her.

I spent a whole $100 on her which is a lot of money;

if she leaves tomorrow, I understand.

please just don't go with the black cat

Respect is something to be given and earned
But if you've got crosses and money to burn
Y'all ******* are gonna have to wait your turn
Because you've got something to learn

See, I stand with the spurned
Yellow, red, pink and brown
gonna use my privilege
And put my boots on the ground
Revolt, revolver,
fight to turn it around

See you can drone on
With your dog-whistle cries
I'll be teaching my children to see through those lies
You plant bodies
While we plants seeds
Herbicide, genocide resistant weeds
Gonna choke you out
For making us bleed

You keep turning our plowshares into swords
So we ain't gonna work on Sammie's farm no more
So my elders in the hoods in the back of the truck
Drunk on power can all go get ******

There's more of us than there are of you
And when we all wake up,
What you think you gonna do?
We're gonna just keep firing bullets of the mind
And your armies that are fam gonna leave you behind

Or make you think they're yours for true
When their mind is turned on
And it's turned on you
You're in deep **** now
With no canoe

So I ask again, what the hell you gonna do?

Once my Jack ruled the woods.
He could capture squirrels at will,
dig out moles, he even got a few hawks.
When his eyes went blind,
things changed.

Oh sure, he could still sniff the air
& let out a few barks,
but the spark wasn’t in him anymore.
And when he missed
the grey fox tracking us,
I knew it was nearly over.
He succumbed to old age
three months later.

The vet came out and injected him
with the deadly mix.
Sammie died right in my arms,
he went totally limp,
I heard his last breath
& cried like a baby,
couldn’t believe he was gone.

He’s buried out in my backyard now.
I miss him every day,
the way he used to played,
how he’d run circles around me,
tease me with his ball.

Though things are silent,
& there are no dog sounds,
I still call his name.

Oct.25.2019

Sammie, it annoys me
That you called my question sweet
It’s not you, it’s me.

What to think of it?
It confuses me so much
Know that I love you!

Let me tell you guys I'm going through it right now. So much been thrown at me and I'm still so young. It's so unreal. Some days I don't even know how I can wake up and get out of bed. Depression is really kicking me in the ***. It's like once I think I'm getting ahead I get pushed back 10 more feet. I feel like I'm suffocating. Why do everything bad happen to me? What did I ever do to deserve it?

From losing the best guy friend that I knew half my life. I never thought he would do me the way he did. The same dude that would throw hands to another guy for talking to me the wrong way. The same guy that I would lie for. Straight up throw my hand up and fight for. With no questions asked.

The same dude who I loved so much that I stayed up at night crying worrying about him all the time. All because I had a gut feeling he wasn't good. The same guy that mama trusted her 12-13 year old daughter being out at night till 2 or 3 in the morning with. The same guy that Mama fed and cared for. The same guy I thought I'll have a life with. Now all that is dead and gone 13 years later.
It makes no sense at all. The history, the love that we had just gone like that. why? I want to know why? How can he hurt me so bad that I am to the point I no longer want to know who he is? Just want to erase everything between us. The past 13 years. How could I have been so blind. I used to think I wasn't good enough for him but thinking back. NOW I see he wasn't good enough for me never was never will be.

See this is what I think been going on. I have just been the chick he fall back on. I've been the chick that he has so much history with. That he just didn't want to give it up. So he kept playing with my emotions and my feelings. He kept playing games with my head. Telling me that he loves me and I will always have his heart. Telling me all this **** that I wanted to hear. Just to keep me around but deep down he really didn't care for me. Deep down he didn't love me. If he did he wouldn't make me cry. He wouldn't let me stay up at night wondering why I wasn't good enough.

I get it back in the day we was young and guys like to play games. We are grown now so what's the excuse. Now I'm not saying that Chris never loved me or care for me because  I'm sure at one point in life he did. Its just things changed between him and I. That's something I can't ignore because the Chris I knew would never do this. I spent so much of my life loving him and caring for him. Crying and writing poetry for him. So afraid to let him go. That I might miss my shot. That a lot of relationships didn't work out because of it. Not anymore. I'm not saying I don't love him any  more. I'm not saying that I don't care because I do. A part of me will always but the Sammie that he once knew is gone. I'm no longer going to wait around.I'm not putting my life on hold for him anymore.

I guess you can say I'm over it all. I'm not going to wish bad luck on him. I wish him well I hope he finds happiness. I hope he never puts a girl through what he has put me through. These are my final word to him. I'll see you in another life

So now back to me. Not only am I having nochoice of letting go of a guy who had been a big part of my life. I lost my best female friend. Thought this girl will have my back no matter what. I was blind with her too. She ****** me over  so bad. That I don't trust no *** now. I gave an arm for her.  Got a tattoo with her. That's how real I thought our friendship was. Come to find out. It was all just an act. Everyone tried to warn me about her. I just didn't listen. It's okay though. I ain't mad at her . I got the tattoo off of my body. Got it cover up and I got her out my life. To her I don't wish her bad either.

I hope she learned that she lost. Someone who is down for her. Who stood up for her and would do anything for her. I never switched up on her. When I should have but I learned my lesson and that's okay. I just know if she keeps *******  over her friends.  She's going to be one lonely person. So I'm only going to ask is. Why? That's all I want to know is why? I hope it was worth it all I really do.

I'm even going through it with my ex. He put me through hell and back. ****** me over way too many times. The whole time I was with him it was nothing but lies. I couldn't see it. I didn't want to believe it. I ignore all the signs. Never  thought he would do the things he have done.

Taking loans in my name without me knowing. Scamming me and everything else.10 years of friendship and 2 years of my love I gave him . I wasted on him. I never left him. Even when many people told me I should. So many people try to warn me about him. People who didn't even know him just knew of him.
Everyone warned me down in South Carolina . I didn't listen I believed what he told me. Did what he asked of me. I was happy down there. Thought it was like a dream come true. I'm not going to let that hold me back. I'm not going to let it break me. His day will come and I honestly can't wait. I can't wait for the day he burns. Everything will catch up to him. That I promise him. Now I see why his ex don't want his son in his life. So Adrian I hope you enjoy it while it last. I'm coming for you and I'm giving it all I got. This is not over yet. I can't wait to see your face in court with hand cuffs on. Its going to take every inch of my body not to spit in your face.

I know this is long enough so I'm going to end it. I just had a vent and trust me it helped a lot. I know my questions won't be answer but it feels good to let it out

I feel so numb since i got the  news that Friday morning. I dont know how to tell you everything that i want to. Without feeling so bad or sounding selfish. It seems like since you were taking away all the good was too. The bond that we share could never be broken.

Why did you have to leave so soon? Why did you have to go so young? Why did you have to leave us knowing we needed you?


I know you are in a better place. Its always going to hurt to carry on with out you. How do i breathe without it hurting so much? Give me the strength my angel to curry on. Light my way for me as i hold on to every memory we share. Any road i take i know that it will lead me HOME. Any path i roam on will lead me to you again. You will open up them golden gates for me and welcome me HOME. Sometimes cry at night. Just know im not crying because of you. Im crying for me. It makes me feel alive and human. Since you left us i felt so dead and numb.

Tell me... what do it look like in Heaven? Is it beautiful and free. Like uncle roger use to tell us? Can you do the things you love to do? When you were here on earth with us. Are you riding that four wheeler That we loved to ride. Do they have a mud hole you can go and have fun? We all know you loved to get muddy. Are you driving your dream truck? Is my grandfather there with you? So you arent alone.

Letting go isn’t that easy to do. I know i will get by. I know i will be okay. It just gets hard for me sometimes. Im getting use to not seeing you online. Im getting use to not seeing you post them statuses. That makes me ask  if you are alright. Im even getting use to not receiving a message from you telling me “ you miss me and you need to see my face. so i need to come home and visit.”

There is a lot of things in this world that i can handle but losing you can not. It drives me crazy some days. If i could take your place i would in a heart beat. I will never get use to losing you so young.

ILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU MY ANGEL

TILL WE MEET AGAIN

FAVORITE COUSIN FROM OHIO

SAMMIE

R.I.P MY ANGEL NATE BECKNER