I know sometimes I’m a little obsessive
Some might call it bipolar depressive
Random mood swings causing me to become manic obsessive
Shifts in energy changes making me become impulsively energetic
Got my mind spinning around causing me a psychotic racing catatonic lack of awareness
So used to being told to calm down by my family and old therapist’s
Now I’m just living and learning off of my own failures and life lessons
Creating my own values and building towards a better impending prospective future with all these thoughts, ideas, different reasons and reactions
Moments of self worth can often start to feel fleeting due to daily life experiences and my own expressions
Followed by changes in feelings and mixed emotional ambivalence
Rarely opening up to people because, I feel vulnerable and misunderstood constantly stressing
But the few times I do is when something about them resonates with me making me feel calm, safe and accepted
I believe it’s because of my past trauma, I have to try everyday to be a soul survivor
Old coping mechanisms through past risky behaviors shattered recking havoc
Drugging and drinking to drown out these demons
In the depths of despair, my inner demon finds solace, a dangerous comfort I must avoid
Getting back up on my own two feet going to meetings after meeting
Late insomniac nights with thoughts never fully slowing down
Followed once again the next day I can’t seem to drown out all of the sounds
All these troubled thoughts restless I am
A soul survivor I fight, but I often find it hard to stand
Picking myself back up
I’m just a man searching for a way to feel human again

Go, dumb-born book,
Tell her that sang me once that song of Lawes:
Hadst thou but song
As thou hast subjects known,
Then were there cause in thee that should condone
Even my faults that heavy upon me lie,
And build her glories their longevity.

Tell her that sheds
Such treasure in the air,
Recking naught else but that her graces give
Life to the moment,
I would bid them live
As roses might, in magic amber laid,
Red overwrought with orange and all made
One substance and one color
Braving time.

Tell her that goes
With song upon her lips
But sings not out the song, nor knows
The maker of it, some other mouth
May be as fair as hers,
Might, in new ages, gain her worshippers,
When our two dusts with Waller’s shall be laid,
Siftings on siftings in oblivion,
Till change hath broken down
All things save beauty alone.

What does a world consist of today?
mediocracy?
illusion leaving people disillusioned
Tall tales we tell
lies that soak up our pain
claiming
never being
hearing
never listening
questions
never really having a purpose or meaning
relationships started
ending in the in between
people scared of feelings they were taught to
stay clear
conscious way of being
tall tales we tell
soon believing
altering what others actually see
manipulating others
seducing the weak
imitating power
pretending what we are is what we are not
silent conversations had between eyes
thoughts that are powerful
things we try to forget
books scattered all over my floor
self help
self made
self taught
choice to go out
seeing people
familiar lonely faces
preying on them
recklessly living
potentially recking a long term friendship
becoming something
we never thought we'd be
realizing
I am just an animalistic human being
living from experience to experience
experiencing life in many altered ways
leading to a skewed way of seeing
the world and everything we try to be

Your voice is the color of a robin's breast,
And there's a sweet sob in it like rain--still rain in the night.
Among the leaves of the trumpet-tree, close to his nest,
The pea-dove sings, and each note thrills me with strange delight
Like the words, wet with music, that well from your trembling throat.
I'm afraid of your eyes, they're so bold,
Searching me through, reading my thoughts, shining like gold.
But sometimes they are gentle and soft like the dew on the lips of the eucharis
Before the sun comes warm with his lover's kiss.
You are sea-foam, pure with the star's loveliness,
Not mortal, a flower, a fairy, too fair for the beauty-shorn earth.
All wonderful things, all beautiful things, gave of their wealth to your birth.
Oh I love you so much, not recking of passion, that I feel it is wrong!
But men will love you, flower, fairy, non-mortal spirit burdened with flesh,
Forever, life-long.

Lungs filled with blue smoke, eyes filled with tears, hands trembling, soul filled with fear and worry, if you can see me now, I am sorry for disappointing you, but there is no one to guide me through the right path anymore, and you were wrong, I am not smart enough to walk alone. I am sorry for getting used to all the infinite love, I don't even know what that means anymore, I am ruining myself with my bare hands and you're not here to stop me, please come back and stop me, guide me, teach me more, advise me, love me, talk to me just come back and talk to me, I'll listen, I swear to God I will, I just need to hear your calming voice as a reminder, visit me in my dreams, I started believing in signs now so please give me s ******* sign God ******. I'm sorry, I'm just filled with anger all the time for some reason. I've been looking for you in people, I think the whole family is, your brother is putting so much effort into it it's driving him crazy, your mother misses you and we're all trying to be there for her, she's a mess, mom is being strong about this and I have no idea how she's doing it, your daughters, us we're all ****** up. I think we need you more than ever, send us signs so we'd stop recking ourselves. We miss you and your memory is haunting us. Remember when I told you about how hope can ruin a man? how it's so dangerous and you wouldn't believe me and you thought I was being childish about it like everything else? well look at me now, I'm going crazy hoping endlessly, I hope we'll get to see you in another life, I hope I'll have the chance to make it up to you, I hope I'll get to tell you I love you and hug you all the time and make you a nice cup of tea while sharing all the things you've missed, I hope you'd be smiling and not filled with disappointment, I hope we'll get to talk more about our music, I'm listening to The Beatles while writing this, yes I'm still your Beatles Girl, and I hope to share my poetry with you like you hoped but I never did. I would now, I'll read you each and every one of them, I'll keep no more secrets, I'll carry your love around like a mother carrying her first child for the first time and brag about it and how beautiful it is, I just ******* miss you. You visited me in my dreams, I started crying in the dream and mumbling: "You are my happiest thought and my saddest thought, all at once" over and over again. I've met a lot of people, I know you wouldn't like most of them but there's one person that I'd **** for you to meet, I'm drowning in this person, it's consuming me in every way possible, give me limits. I hope I'll get to tell you all about it. In another life. In another life. In another life. God help me, God may you rest in peace. God, I miss you. I'm sorry for swearing, you used to swear a lot, if you thought no one was listening when you I did, I always did. Okay, I know that doesn't give me the right but I'm taking advantage of you not being around as well, I'm sorry about that too.
Goodbye? I don't believe so. Not just yet.

The darkened roads of the night,
Will soon see the morning light....

As I drive down the hwy of I-10
I see my old city as this trip will end..

It brings up thoughts of the past,
that quickly change to the future...

I am now in the city of New Orleans,
as I will soon begin to wake....

What's on the streets is the homeless, drunk and me....

I park in the french quartes and make sure not to get towed...

I wall to the river and what do i see....
Two young girls kissing on a bench...
A homeless man making no sense...
And a man on a bike without a life...

I then myself gaze upon the river,
As the sun comes up, so do my thoughts...

Watching the tugs push barges,
and the ship's filled with life...

It's a lonley romance the city life..
Yet filled with adventure for live of the night...

Sitting in the exact same place on the railroad tracks as a child...

It was 3 am in the morning, I was smoking *** and watching a recking ball, tear down Jax Brewrey for a mall.

Thought of the past how quick they come and go... How we lose them and choose them is not for me to decide...

Back to the streets as the city come alive... The city will now begin to strive...

Well it’s another thrilling weekend,
a nerv-recking blood n’ love blend,
some even say that I’m to blame,
it’s up to me to change the game
yet I keep playing just the same,
my parent’s sin, my hometown’s shame.
I set it up, I pay my dues,
if they were dancers, I’d be blues.

When I lie resting next to her
and think of all that we once were,
I cannot help but reminisce,
about her careful, tender kiss,
and miss the time when we still risked,
to live on *** and joy and bliss.

Now everytime I’m out the door,
this urge is rising more and more,
to run away, never return,
to ride and ride, to burn and burn,
but I just sit and wonder how,
and she gets closer, too close now.