My mind is going so fast that it feels like it's pounding and burning
I'm Just laying here in my bed eyes open sweating, tossing and turning
Just go away so i don't lay here and weep , so i can try for some peaceful sleep
There's so many memories my head is wanting me to go back and meet.
Memories I've hidden far away in a very deep dark place
Begging, pleading and fighting for these things to never show face
When I had my beautiful 1st son Phillipe , that gave me so much happiness and bliss.
Taken and stolen you were , all your moments in life that Cps forced me to miss
I tried calling one day to set up our court ordered visit
Only to be told he's not yours anymore so you should just forget it
His father was nothing more then a quick bang with no lust
7114 days we haven't had us cause court said it was a must
Or the one guy Eric that liked to **** me and my sister
Then we both were badly ***** by this sorry *** mister
All the family i grew up with that i love and so very miss
Have seem to forgotten who i am and thati even exist
When my mom was always out partying bringing different guys home every night
Growing up i never had a permanent father that ever treated me right
My dad was just a coward that killed himself because he had no strength to fight
Mr. Green the old man neighbor died right in front of my 9 yr old eyes
Thats the moment i realized everyone i love always dies
Two times taken because family and neighbors couldn't stay out of our lives
Seeing my mom in weekly visitation and having to say painful goodbyes
Or what about the physical and emotional abuse the foster parents loved to share
The abuse and neglect was way worse there then in my mom's care
Why must you run me through all these horrible memories I just can not continue to bare
The molestation I've never told anyone about and have hidden so deep and oh so well
You Keith ,should die and burn forever in the flames of hell
My old step dad ****** me up so bad , telling anyone would have lead to my death
So I've promised myself I'll keep his secret til my very last breath
I found my friend Crack , he helped take all the pain you caused away.
When my mom kicked you out was to me a beautiful day
The times i was stupid and people had to post my bail
******* brain, why tonight do you decided to put me through hell
All these painful memories are not something i truly miss
Remember Shaun the first man of my fantasy dream
Never in life could i imagine that he would just be so mean
It started with only a few slaps then went to big hits
Then black eyes and broken bones that came from his fits
I very easily made myself believe abuse equalled love
That you were a guardian angel sent from the heavens above
It took so much courage to finally make myself pack up and leave
My life would have been taken by you and that's what i truly believe
Megan my beautiful baby is the only wonderful thing that came from him
He doesn't even know who she is, being a bad dad should be one of the 7 deadly sins
One day i hope you open your eyes and finally put the bottle down
Because At this point in her life she really needs her father around
My life was getting a lot better, i swear that's what my beautiful eyes saw
Only to be handed and introduced to the worst best friend of them all
You made me feel so great, happy and invincible and so tall
I fell so in love and couldn't live without you at all my friend ****
I refused to ever leave your side and the crazy high unless it was by death
Until she took me to that nasty cold frightening Jail cell
Couldn't even get out she took all my money i had nothing for bail
After that i left you because you dragged me through hell
Found my next buddy so dark and brown he's so smooth we'll just call him Crown
With you i could let all my fears and walls completely down
I had finally found the man I thought I'd share and make a perfect life with
Life was so amazing ,but super blinding that no one could see it was a myth
Loneliness and depression and sadness was underneath all the happiness lies
Your words taught me to feel pain from a heart that slowly dies
Screaming, fighting and crying is what the kids always were around
Problems could have been fixed, yet you didn't want them found
Your goal In life was for people to see me as lazy and crazy
You did a great job putting the wool over thier eyes making them all see hazy
The abortion i was forced by you to have done
I'll never ever forget or forgive you for that ***
All the Emotional abuse that filled the walls of our lovely house
Narcissistic love was hidden by you always being as quiet as a mouse
Don't get me wrong , you and i accomplished a Lot,
I just wish you would have given effort a little more of a shot
Collage was beautiful to me, finishing was my ultimate goal
But you said Gymdoll came first and ripped collage right out of my soul
Two beautiful children Aiden and Caylin were your only wonderful gift
The 11 years we shared ended and ended very swift
You did the same thing as Megan's father did before
You gave up and forgot about your kids as you walked out that door
It's so very sad when you always make your kids become last
I never knew you'd walk away and actually do it so fast
Met a lady named Nellie and connected on a beautiful best friend level
Only to have her taken from me, did you know cancer is the worst ******* devil
She was my ride or die, we were always side by side
The day you you passed a huge chunk of me also died
What about the time i got hit by the van and walked away with a broken back
My lawyer ****** me so bad and ran off with all my money in a sack
Left me to live a life with nothing but horrible unbearablpe untreatable pain
Eating through pain pills daily just to be able to live life and try my hardest to maintain
Why did the 17 times i tried to end my life never could be completed
And all these painful memories get permanently deleted
Why do i go thru all of this **** every once in awhile
Couldn't you just please brake my bad memory dial.
Can they please just go away so they'll never replay
I could sit and scream and yell this to myself everyday
Yet I'm very aware as to why this keeps going on and on
1000 times over I've heard it, seems too be my brains favorite song
I know my life is beautiful,fulfilled,overflowing with love
That i have many beautiful Angels watching me from above
My brain does this so that I'll always remember what my life used to be
So i can remember all the pain and bad thats happened to me
My brain is doing an important job by making sure my gratitude never lacks
So that I'll always remember and never convince myself to go back
Even if i don't for one day sleep,i know it's ok too lay here and softly weep
It's showing me, my happiness is well earned and for me to keep.
I'll never forget any of my awful past
It's what keeps my happiness last
