You make my heart fly like it's still whole,
like the bones in my wings aren't brittle and broken
and these palpatations actually follow some sort of a beat.

Like maybe my feathers are still beautiful,
even though I've made a habit out of flying too close to the sun.
Suddenly, it's heat just warms my skin,
and now I'm glowing.
Instead of bursting into flames.

You burn me from the inside out,
but it's a comfortable energy.
You play my strings so delicately,
I feed off the vibrations.

You make me feel like a song,
that missed a beat, but found it just in time for the crescendo.
And now I'm playing on
like nothing bad has ever happened in my life.

Just like a Dali painting --
Beautiful and ugly and brilliant
and no one's sure exactly what it means...
But you're the artist,
and in your eyes, every stroke makes sense and I'm perfection.

Thinking about him:
palpatations

Being around him:
flutter

Talking to him:
fibrillation

All that's left is
cardiac arrest...

a stirring of gauges and cogs
winds up a smile
I stare out a greasy bus window
moments after our fingers quietly touched
the warmth of your skin revving back to life
this long dead machine

I keep drinking coffee.
I keep thinking I shouldnt.
I keep falling in love with you.
I keep wishing I wouldnt.
Because like my murmer, you keep missing beats.
I fill you with love but you're full of deceit.
You say your futures with me, were perfect together.
But simple conversation is exhaugsting. how can we handle forever?

what hurts more?
knowing that you lost two best friends

or that the war between you all is never ending...

what hurts more?
the feeling of being alone

or the fact that you have been alone for so long you have become used to it...

I used to have suidical thoughts
DAILY

Can you imagine?
Waking up,
and wishing you hadn't.

Does no one feel like I do?
Am I a person filled with more emotions than others,
is this some disease?

Is this why I suffer from heart palpatations when I get anxiety?

will my anxiety **** me one day?

I am not sure.

I have felt great pain in my chest before,
and I have been to the emergency room,
because I was too afraid of my own hands,
and my wrists felt weak.

They used to yell at me to slice them..
I thought I deserved to die.
I wished I had died when I was hit by a drunk driver for a long time.

She took my car, I lost my job,
when I just wished it could have taken my life.

It isn't so dark now,
I wake up in the morning smiling.

If it wasn't for my friends I know I wouldn't be alive today.

They may never know how much they mean to me,
but they are my heart,
and the only reason I still try to love every day.

I can't live for me,
I couldn't live for him,
so I live for them.

Every day I get a step closer to who I want to be,
and it's all thanks to my friends.

I love you all so so much,
thank you.

I just cant imagine heart palpatations
in the middle of my serenity
mixing well with my awe endeavors
I wanna find the catalyst of love
in a shared experience
forsure
But my edge inspired progression
comes from the sharp edge of rocks beneath my feet and the mighty beating of the sun
churning my affection into sweat drivin nirvanah
I know you know
And i im glad to say ive tried, too
Theres no easy way to spell out contrasting metaphors for movement
But Beleive me I wont, dont, cant, forsake
But elements can bite my soul
Were creatures of suffering and my fear is god induced
I dont want to play god
i want god to sucker punch my ribs and break my legs
i wat to fly down the mountains and slam through the river
I wat to drop from the sky and tumble through the dessert.
I want the masterpiece satan we create
The machines pistons enviornmental dragons
To mobilize my feet and pay for my experience in blood

why is it
that when i see you
with someone else
it doesn't hurt as much
as i know it should

but when i'm near you
i act like that
really clingy glue
the one that always
leaves your hand raw
from trying to scrub it off?

i don't want to be
the squid that sticks to you
but i want you to want me
as cliche as that is

i want your perfection
which is impossible
to want me
but we all know that
the perfect people
never love the imperfect
they find other perfect
beautiful
smart and nice people
to love
because their love is better
because their love is more
because their love will last forever

what cliche *******
you don't know
that i have no feelings
so these palpatations
these incessant thump thomps
of my heart?
are all new territory for me

apparently its all a map of unexplored sadness
and the compass points north to you

you're like a map
full of longitudinals that tell me
where to go when i need a somewhere
to lie down after a long day
full of latitudinals that allow me
to hug you and dig
into the comfort of your chest
right above where your heart beats
a steady thump-thump-thump
can't you hear it?
i hope you can't
because my heart
cannot function normally around you.

your heart is the 0,0 of the map
and your eyes are the compass
telling me where to go,
showing me how you feel
and all the little cracks within your self
the map outlines the constellations of your face
and the small islands of all your interests,
the mountains of every muscle on you,
outlined plane by solid plane.

You are a whole,
detailed and delicate
map.

I am the tectonic plates
underneath the earth
that is you.
i shift,
destroy
quake.

i am just
one fault line
after another.

one day
i will creak and crash
in the process,
i will destroy you.

*– s.m.

Burning Sensations
dose me in lighter fluid
and let my flesh be eaten away by the tormenting throbs of burns
burning
the sensation of disintegrating
the senestation of every atom being torched
let me live amoung my ashes
let me be consumed in heat

oh let me kiss you
spoiled me sincerely in your perfectness let me be
inbetween your inhale and exhale
to taste that sweetly on my tongue
and ever on for you i love

LOVE YOU TOO
and every time you say i love you too
my soul shatters into a million pieces of vulnerablity
exposing the throbbing palpatations of my heart

My heads spinning as if I’m on a carousel twice the speed. I can’t stand and when I do, I falter. The knots in my stomach continute to tighten, like weeds around plants. My fingers vibrate with intensity and my whole body begins to tremble with fear. Heart palpatations, that I cannot handle. My breaths become deeper, my face whiter and skin clamy. I am losing control. I claw at my throat as if I am digging my own grave. Please, let this not be the end. I can’t force my eyes to open they seemed to be glued shut. My scent increases and I smell blood. I’m getting suffocated. Somebody help me. This is agony. My cheek is cold from the stone pebble ground. I try to rub my eyes, it’s a blur as I open them. I blink several times before my vision becomes clear. Alleyway. My legs are uneasy, as if I am a infant trying to walk for the first time. My neck is in pain. I place my hand on my elbow, its oozing with blood. I see a light. My body is in excruciating pain from the fall. I move slowly. Making my way towards the light, it was a pub. My ribcage ached every time my lungs drew in a breath. I recognized my skin tight clothing in the light. Laced up corset. Figures, it was hard to make out. I knew they were people. My mouth opened trying to speak, but my voice was hoarse. Dry like the desert. I could not make a sound. Was this another dream? It felt too much like reality.

All I want is to hear the palpatations
Underneath your ribs
As I lay on your chest,
Atop the rise of your breath.

Right now I'm afraid that
I loved you so much,
It took everything out from under me
And I'm left winded -
Perfectly alone,
Wanting to know if I can ever feel
Like a galaxy lives in my arteries,
The place your stars used to swim.

Anxious heart palpatations
I don't like this part
I like the part where
A date is set
Or rejection is done
I don't like the
Antici... pation
But maybe you do
Gotta think positive
You lit up when I asked your age
That caught me off guard
People don't usually get excited
To tell someone their age
I am known to read into things
That aren't there
I think that is why
This part is no fun for me
I can't read attraction
I see it when there is none
I think you like me
Catching my eye
From accross the room
Repeatedly
Only time will tell
God I wish I was an empath
Instead of a kind psychopath