You are standing there and asking me how I feel right now.
Do you really want to know the truth?
The truth is I ache, everywhere and nowhere.
I want to climb out of my own skin and never ever come back inside of it.
I want to sleep, but I can’t
I can’t move though.
Every time I try to walk my muscles feel like I have walked miles upon miles.
My hair hurts on top of my head.  
I want so badly to go and find something to make me feel better
Yet I am totally lacking in the ability to do so.

You do opiates with me,
You see me do them everyday.
You know I am doing them.
Yet you help yourself, you forget about me.
Then when you come home you deny my sickness.
You try to tell me I don’t know what I am talking about.
That I am getting the flu.
What gives you the right to be the judge of that?
For once could the facts come into play for you?
For just ******* once could you think of me?
For once can I ******* matter?

I am telling you I am sick,
I was depending on you to pull through for me.
Now, I am just laying here half awake half asleep
While you are good and fine.
Knowing you could have helped me,
Decided against it, then made me feel like there is not one thing about me that you care about.
There is not one thing I say that you believe.
Dopesick, lovesick, tired of this life…
Ready to give up.

It's been a long time,
But once again,
I'm dopesick.

I don't know what the **** I'm doing with my life,
All I know is I'm higher than a kite.
I can't think straight, the thoughts are taking over my mind,
I can't unwind.
I closed the door, i don't care what you think anymore.
I barricade myself in my head, trapped inside my dark room and crying in bed.
It makes my family sad, they make me feel guilty.
They're sad, yeah, just imagine how I'm ******* feeling.
Emotions are crazy, my lifestyle is hazy and yes I know it's my fault when I go.
I'm self destructive, I want to know what it feels like to be alive.
Because I'm just surviving,
Always fantasizing,
You can laugh and think my writing is stupid,
You have no idea what the **** I've been through.

I've been to hell and back, seen a lot of action.
I'm always looking for a **** distraction.
This is the second part, I'm about to open my heart and open the door.
I'm not smoking dope anymore and I'm getting help from everyone.
I finally feel like I've won.
You can get lost in life easily, and do things that leave you empty.
Some people will have sympathy but most will have empathy.
I lost myself but I found someone new, and I can't wait to see what this person can do.
So many people saying, "I'm proud of you."
I'm proud of me too, that's how I feel.
This journey is how I know God is real.

1/17/10

dopesick boy
make me dope sick
his black in the blue
eyes vanish
he vanishes
the skeletal frame
of his guitar
& all the almosts
that got shot
cause he shot up
the broken window in time
the self steams out of in
the night
his black & blu eyes
pinned
pinned wings in a glass
case
another face
wings evaporate
dust where a boy once sat
holdng my hand in love

I am too bold the obsession of our seperation
A child torn from childhood shattered hourglass
In her eyes I see myself swinging from a limb
Her words tying the noose and the smiles pull it tight
She would have me gasping goodbyes spittle laced
Bullet hot fingers tracing the blown out blue veins
Dopesick for her cracked lips I would lick them clean of venom
But she is too bold for such infatuation
She would rather pick the lock
The cage in my chest where  it quietly rests
One yellow eye open fangs glimmer scarlet hues
Her neck hangs back in laughter
Nape porcelaind frail statuesque
She would snap my fingers
Like a branch and I would laugh
At pain syringed and sterile
Alcohol stained breath
I think you've  found the sweet spot
Hot barrel to my temple
Do me one last favor
Release me from this tabernacle

these bars of bone
this fence of flesh
this cage that holds me in
i sweat and shake
and cry and moan
it crawls across my skin.

caricature fades
the roles he plays
the act that he puts on
what's underneath,
it's small.  it's weak.
it's dopesick, and alone.

forget the fright
the fear of night,
and all the mares they bring
to gallop through
your frozen frame
and teach you how to scream.

don't try and dream
don't try and think
don't even try to sleep.
just let the horsemen
do their thing.
just lie alone and weep.

and as the war
plays out inside
your body, and your mind
you take the past
you burn it up
you take what you can find.

i welcome you
to hell, my friend.
just dive right in the flames.
learn your demons well,
my friend,
and call them by their names.

So what exactly did I do?
To have you become so angry at me you just cut me out of your life.
To forget about me completely after I held it down for you.
I'm dopesick and I'm tired of hurting for someone that doesn't give a ****.
I'm lost and I'm sorry but it never even mattered to you.
Do you miss me right now? Cause I miss you.
I miss the sound of your voice and I miss looking at your perfect lips.
I miss just having to kiss them and I miss the way you could make me laugh.
I miss sitting there and just looking over at your perfect face.
Surprised every time at how perfectly gorgeous you truly are.
I miss you kissing my head as you held me close.
I miss knowing I had you as mine.
I miss not hurting, I don't wanna keep checking my phone.
No new texts, no missed calls and just more and more disappointing silence.
No one here with me, nothing to call mine.
Just some pictures of you and I that I took that I wish I had just took today.
Instead I will just sit here and try my hardest to forget what I felt for you.
I'll make myself forget you until I am okay.