I had cried a sea of tears
And began to drown.

Trashing out, Unheard screams
Bubbles filled my lungs.

I long for safety and a home
Not this empty black cavern thats sinking very near.

I look up out of desparation
far above my  pain.

And then black tears turn purple,
indigo,
aqua.
I see a Turtle swiming near.

The sea Turtle I've always wanted
I realse all my fear.

I float upward crowned in a bubbling glow
My sea Turtle loves my bubbles.

And away we go.

Out of desperation, I come Holy One for my pain is huge.
I cry out to you with still no answer in sight, Lord God.
Hear my pleas, I see so many suffering more each day.
My hurting heart, understands their pain and suffering.
For it never gets any easier, but Christ strengthen us.
So that we may deal with it better, more Godly like.
So others will want to become strengthen and healed.
Thus then they too shall lead the hurting and lost ..
Out of the darkness that holds them prisoners too.

I am stepping out into Faith in you Jesus.
I see all of my pain, hurt, struggles, and sorrows.
All I seek is for you to heal them within me.
So all shall see your Miracles within me daily.
I am so desperately seeking you to use me.
To reveal yourself to everyone within my path.
So many beautiful friends of mine struggling.
People that been there for me whom I love.
With your Love my Awesome Savior God.

Tonight... My slumber is a distant relative not even a pen pal can reach, but with each attempt I make to contact sleep, the line is disconnected by the rhymes haunting my upper room. Its like my stream of conscioussness is a bottle of liquor, the more I abuse the drug, the more it abuses my anatomy
Tonight... Sleep is my ex-wife I long to caress and attend to. She cries echoes of silenceas we are kept apart by this sadistic night that is lazily hanging over the sky, just waiting for my eyelids to align in holy matrimony, just to rip them apart again.
Tonight... Rhymes run free in my mind like emancipated slaves and they do their best to reach all corners of my minds landscape, making sleep an impoverished state
Tonight... I gaze into the darkness with pure desparation. My mind deprives me of sleep, yet it is what my soul wants most.

Angelina your the queen of
make believe but how ironic
that the woman in the photos
shocks us out of catatonic.

All her fame and fortune
and yet she cannot turn her back
her heart is torn that any child
should suffer any lack.

Hollowed out from over-use
the words become inactive
without the shared experience
they'll fail to hold you captive.

This is when the photograph
can move a man to see
the power of a bigger Love
to set the captive free.

In black and white she holds the child
of a hungry war-torn nation
exposing the shame of misspent fame
while the world is on vacation.

You can't miss desparation
though diamonds appear duller
Life and death in black and white
more powerful than color.

Some people stand afar and judge
but it's quite plain to me
not flesh and blood, but a mother's love
gives comfort with the plea.

Hear no evil, Speak no evil
and this is just obscene
that the horrors of mankind
would somehow go unseen.

Call down beauty from a higher place
let the rich strike up the bands
light the path in living color
see the blood stains on our hands.

Angelina your the queen of
make believe but how ironic
that the woman in the photos
shocks us out of catatonic.

smells like rotten garbage
and gnaws at you as a rat-infested sewer
has your head dizzy as a brain tumor
enlarging until its pushing out through
when your legs are spread
for some recognition
and your head is nodding in submission
because your lines aren’t getting the attention
so you rope them in with suggestion
and at your age –
that’s **** hard!
but they eat you up
**** your scars
and if that’s what it takes
you’ll do it
you’ll do anything

"Bad"
"'Bad' is just a huge promise of a song. A friend of mine, about as close as you can get, squandered his intelligence and his gifts to ******. Dublin in the late Seventies and early Eighties was a capital for smack. The Shah of Iran had been deposed, and people smuggled their money out of that country in white gold and pearls, by which I mean ******. It was cheaper than ****, it was cheaper than smoking spliff, and a lot of sweet teenage kids, who just liked to smoke a little bit of *****, were offered this cheap high, something beyond their imagination... I tried to describe that with the song, 'Bad, what it was to feel that rush, to feel that elation, and then go on to the nod, awful sleep that comes with that drug..." - Bono, U2 By U2 2006

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, yes I would
If I could, I would let it go
Surrender, dislocate

If I could throw this lifeless
Lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
And through the rain
Into the half-light
And through the flame

If I could, through myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day

To let it go
And so to find a way
To let it go
And so find a way

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no, no

If you should ask, then maybe
They'd tell you what I would say
True colours fly in blue and black
Blue silken sky and burning flag
Colours crash, collide in blood shot eyes

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go

This desparation
Dislocation
Separation
Condemnation
Revelation
In temptation
Isolation
Desolation

Let it go
And so to find a way
To let it go
And so find a way

Oh, no
I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no no

I will not cross the river
those boundaries in my mind
I can move across the desparation
not the dessication of my time

There's the threat
of another breaking dawn
Too late to contemplate
the all night mental storm

But al least there is one beast
That has kept me
in all night company

It seems the mocking bird
hurls threats to no one
as he flies by on the run

Just to remind me
poets are just one poem
from ever being done

He makes for
such poor company
I wish I had a gun
I wish I had a gun
I wish I had a gun .

I've known every type of person
Who has ever roamed this Earth
Known every beaten, broken, dead girl
Known every happy, brilliant, innocent boy
I may have never seen their eyes
But I've know them, none the less

I've known smiles and laugh lines
Of an old mother looking at her son
Known the sparkle in her eyes
Know the desparation in her hugs
No, my mother was never like that
But, all the same, I've known her

I've known bruises and black eyes
Of an abused five-year-old girl
Known the hatred for her father
Known the love that is still buried deep
I was never hurt like she was
But I still feel like I've known her

I've known church bells and crosses
Of a preacher long since his calling
Known his sermons and hymns
Known his passion as he spoke to the church
No, I've never believe in God
But I've known the preacher of his word

I've known ledges and pill bottles
Of a teenage boy who can't handle it anymore
Known the willingness to jump and swallow
Known the unwillingness to do so
I've never done the same as him
But I just know that I've known him

I've known music and lyrics
Of an unknown rock band
Known their words as they wrote
Known their soul behind every piece
No, I've never seen them live
But their music says I've known them

I've known cuts and razors
Of an unaccepted middle child
Known the tears she cries at night
Known the fear of being caught
I have never known that fear
But I'm confident that I've known her

I've known every type of person
Who has ever roamed this Earth
Known all the lovers, abusers, preachers
Known all the killers, players, cutters
No, I am not like any of them
But maybe that's why I'm so lost.

Dripping desparation
down to my toes
feeling faint I know it shows

Tears tearing down cheeks
still flushed from the cold
into your arms I fold

The cold made it better
I felt almost numb
but what you said cannot be undone

Snow still stuck to stray hairs
and I warm to the thought
between hurt and free I'm feeling quite caught

Still shivering five days later
though the cold is gone
warmth won't come until much after dawn

Staring down the street
framed in high-contrast light like a faded sign,
a blur to my eye
that makes me wonder if it's shared,
I watch a man advance towards me from the bus stop.
He wears an old fishing hat, pale as paper,
whether I mean him or that hat, I don't really know.
As he gets closer, I realize that with every step
he is slowly crumbling.
He gives me a look
that lives somewhere between desparation and apology
as first his leather shoes
and then his ankles
fall to sand.
He speaks, a thread so fine
it barely winks in the sepia glare,
"All you have to do is hold me,"
and his lip trembles with tearless fear.
His eyes grow impossibly blue when I grab his arm like a greeting
and he slides on me like an oil tattoo,
then into me without struggle -
visible just barely under my skin.
I carry him with me to my car
mumbling, mumbling,
"If only you'd stopped walking.
Nobody had a gun to your head."
From inside myself, I hear,
I am the gun.

There were nights when the wind blew hard
The earth was a cold world
The godess of art was cruel

She'd **** all of earth's melodies up in her
It was empty and  quiet below
Echoes reverberated in the caves of the earth

Man was lonely
In a lonesome world
Looking up the stary sky
Left without a sound

Dreaming.
Every one was dreaming
Mountains and hills were sleeping
Life without music

man below
Listened to the bellowing of  emptiness
Every activity was boring

The earth was life without poetry
The world knew no music
The birds composed no tweets

Life without inspiration
Man lived in desparation
Man lacked a sound

There was a time
The wind felt for the  earth
And conspired with the moon
To steal some notes and stanzas from the Sun

To create a sound for lovers at night
And encourage despairing soldiers
So birds can praise their creator

But the sun was guarded by the cruel godess
The wind blew over the moon
And polished its surface

The moon shone the sun's art
The wind blew over the moon in delight
Taking the music with it

It blew among trees and whistled
The birds got the jingles
They looked up to the sky
And sang

The wind blew over the oceans
The waters composed melodious waves

The sleeping earth woke
The dreaming man sang
The power of art possesed him

Lovers found an afrodisiac
Worriors remembered a song of victory
Life returned to earth

The angry godess got jealous
She began to corrupt music with hatred
Breaking the heavenly laws

So she was thrown down
by the Mighty One
And lost her music.

digital noise...everyday
humming at low frequency
disrupting the human flow

human noise... everyday
balking at volume in desparation
causing harm to all

animal noise.. everyday
beautiful tones and chirps
a free choir that brings joy

we have the choice to subscribe to all of these noises
or to seek peace with careful selection, wisdom and a smile

In my magic library I find old Carl Jung,
read by voice
I may imagine my own,
reading in a polished Oxford accent, with the
or made an uh at every opportunity,
and no e ever unspoken {save after lone stretched vowles stretching}
each word forming as from a bubble of thought, with one
tangentle anchor point,
stretching down from that thought cloud emerging from the bubbles
bubbling
in your magmatic earthly being,
at the heart of you
where your fire
burns
piercing.
I speak, with authority, I hear me say,
I shall know I know
as much or more
of such thoughts
as these
Memories, Dreams, Reflections.
Old man visions loosed into ever, like
the preacher making many books,
vain, but enjoyable,
all the same,
after
mediating between me and the others,
out there, free in the sea
of opinions, bound only by fear of death,

to lives of quiet desparation, to ti esti in
separation from secret knowledge unearnible,
in one mortal life's longest
state of steady
concentration
on the point
of being.
at all
or having any part in this production,
blooming, ******
beat
of my heart, oh, hell no, hello
world...

we come with words formed in defeat,
defeat repeats the message
as follows
d'toes knows ken yond some kinda ying
yang warworths lisp ship cult prize thang.
Shib-o-let slow belly lethargy,
feel it in your big
toe, touch a stone and turn the cool side up

A papal bullishit bell curve

clang, gong.... wrong... good guess, give'er another go

****** right, too right, mate, take th'prize
sur
reality position superimposed over life as imagined

before the internet, but after TV... the inbetween time

seedtime, not harvest. Seed sown, unknown seed sown,
for better living, through science.

Side track: Bayer is famous for...
Xyclon B.
Right. The game of knowing going on as we wander, wondering
waht subtle subtility what keen sence of sharpness,

pointing a way, see... that pixel, upper left quadrant, in the per
ifery
edgy bit out of focus, can you

blink? Give us a clue, are we ludicrous by nature?
Are we only here to play,
to enjoy the grace of knowing God shat on all our filthy rags

and laughed as we danced around the fire,
lost in re
very very ify verity of varieties un en visioned until the release

The Alamogordo bit of my myth with you in it.

Initial response of any heroic application is denial.
No real hero wishes to be a real hero,
the day to day existence in a virtual eden, is fine.

When we get down to where jewels form latices far funner
than the jungle gym
or monkey bars of my youth, a prewar preparation,
proven to myself,
I can do this, grip and swing, and reach and grip and swing,

command the callouses to form, command the cells to signal,

more blood, more O, too. Oh, you,
wisdom coos, in that sweet way she does when we leave
those sure
bonds of earth and take a stake in heaven's will being done
in wisdom's main domain.

---
whole heart or no heart, the hero code,
probabble babble babble on and on an in fun

item left to fuggetchewwitcher doubus ****** haecceity
point.

Score. Thats the point of anything piercing everything.
It looks different from out here.

Towards the best tomorrow
We struggle, but not in vain
Transcending pain and sorrow
We smooth balm on hearts cleft in twain
Towards a path unchartered
Towards a better way
On a mystery quest we have started
But truths will come clear as day
Over dales of desparation
And through vales of vagaries
We search the sweet sensation
And bow to Love on devotional knees
I search for my companion
To go with me upon my quest
But I can always go without them
I'll still strive towards the tomorrow best

Don't you remember,
That my name is Amber
The girl's whose eyes are full of ember
You said I had the most beautiful eyes

Do you remember, infront of you I was shy
You said you hated it when I cry
Yet you wiped my eyes with your lies

Do you rememeber, how you spoilt me with love
When you id without me you can't live
How comes now I'm not in your life and you're alive
So you lied to me when we lied on your bed
You are the bad omen that makes me believe that all  are bad men

Do you remember,you used to be;
My shoulder to lean on
My ride or die off and on
My lover,my best friend
My oxygen
Now I can't survive
Do  you!!!?

Do you remember,
When you used to call me beautiful names
When we used to play little cute exiting love games
You tickle me and I'd laugh like crazy
Feeling a little bit hazy
Or my love for you was too heavy
You wanted royalty a real queen
But loyalty was all I could give to you my king
How many times did I bow to you
I didn't now you would get bored with me
Simply because I'm a plain Jane

Do you remember,
Late at night when we had a fight
You'd give me advices
About people's vices
You were once my inspiration
Now you are my desparation

Please remember,
My love if not my laugh
My walking grace not my silky lace
My jaded eyes not my faded skies
Please remember that you kept me before you chose and left me

Just remember,
I am Amber
And I am still somber
Because of your unrequited love
That filled my equitted half

I found the Valentine you gave me in 2015,
Just a month before you "CONTRACTED THE 'MAN-MADE' AIR BORNE VIRUS (That everyone is exposed to but, that effects everyone differently )
In your case it effected your immune system to attack your own heart."
By the time we go to the Emergency Room they said that the damage done could not be repaired  and your heart was only functioning 10% of what a normal 44 year old. They told us without a heart transplant you were going to die. Then they told us that in order to qualify  for a heart transplant you would have had to be at least  20%or better.  
When the transplant team came in to see you and let you know that they were nolonger going to be a part of your  care...You wouldnt be needing their services. You were all smiles and shook every ones hand. T he phone rang and  you told your boss that " Yeah...the transplant team just left...they said that I dont need them after all... let everybody know and tell them all thanks for the prayers  and well wishes...as soon as they get me out of  ICU they will be allowed to vist."  You said you didnt know yet when but you'd call as soon as you found out.
You accepted the congradulations your boss made an announcement to your co workers and everybody cheered . "Right On!" Somebody yelled Clapping and whistling" Way to GO!!" We Love you Dave!"GetWell" ...
Love You Guys Ill See You Soon!"

I watched  from my chair by the window.  You with tubes and wires and hoses  hooked up to monitors  beeping and Machines a huge thing cslled a plasma blaster was trying to eliminate every single white blood cell to stop your immune systems attack... it was now after your liver and your kidneys. They were also using chemo . They were doing everything  they  could..
The heart surgeon was standing out side the room trying to get my attention when I caught him waving out the corner of my eye. I nodded to the doctor and raised my index finger  and tilted my head  in your direction.  
  A s I walked over to you  I had tunnel vision  I dont know how my legs were  making strides so that each foot  could rise and  fall  and create a step . All I could see was you with dark circles under both eyes, and sweat beaded  up on your brow and upper lip . A huge smile  the first time you smiled the whole time  wed been there.
 " Honey dial Art's number on speaker phone... I gotta  tell Art."
I dialed the number  and kissed your cheek and said Id be right back I needed to go have a drag off a smoke.
"OKAY ,YEAH ,YEAH GO AHEAD."
It wasn't forty minutes ago that you looked at me  in desparation and fear.
"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME. PLEASE! Please just stay right here.. hold my hand  and dont let go..
I Promised, "It's  okay " I said, " I will not let you out of my sight. "
I turned to face the door ,still wondering how  my body was managing to function..All I really want3d to do was collaps...curl upand wrap my arms around my legs as tight as I could.
" Please God, Not again.WHY.?? HOW COULD YOU BE SO ******* CRUEL.? What is it that I need to learn for you to stop  hurting me like this??  NO...I GET IT NOW... it's not God at all....but Satan who is doing this...but then where is God??Hello??!! EXCUSE ME.?!!, I could use  a little help here...DO YA MIND.??? YA think maybe just this once,..  oh man....I have lost my mind completely
..this is an hallucination... BAD TRIP,!...... I had already tried  to convince myself that this was all just a crazy dream. Slapping water ******* my face! "COMMON...WAKE THE **** UP"
I Barely noticed the tears had begun to stream down my face. I heard "Hey Bud  Whats  going on we are just pulling into the parking garage,,whats happening now?,?!?!
I wondered what awful news the Dr .  had this time. This ******* was the one who came in to say , Even if we did everything exactly right  we were probly looking at 3 weeks tops  before  it would be  over. " I jumped up off the side of the bed where I was standing guard  and asking what medicine they were giving him ,what was it for, what  could go wrong if he took it what would happ en  if  he didnt.  What their name was, Nurse or doctor?  I had been writing everything down.

.I   startled him too, "ALRIGHT THATS IT,!" I marched to the door hung on to the handle with  one hand and pointed to the hallway with with the other "GET THE **** OUT!!" Who the **** do you think you are? Who the hell does he think he is I said to the nurse as she quickly  darted out into the hallway to the nurses station where all the nurse stood  with shocked looks ontheir faces. "DO YOU HAVE AN OUNCE OF COMPASSION  IN THAT  PEWNIE,LITTLE MAN,SMUG, SO FULL OF YOUR SELF THAT YOU CANT TREAT PEOPLE WITH A LITTLE DIGNITY....NO RESPECT FOR ANYBODY BUT THE GUY WHOSE CALLING THE SHOTS RIGHT.!? DAVE,?
.! Thats it we got to get you the hell out of here these people are ******* sociopaths!!"
  He looked as though they drew straws  to have to come again and he had lost.As long as they didnt stop  you from this tiny bit of hope, you were having ....I could  faintly hear you telling your best friend your great news.... I could hear the confusion in his voice as he questioned you. "What?!?! WAIT..NOW...WHAT DID THEY SAY ...EXACTLY...,!!"  You did say verbatim exactly what they said..To your boss too.
The Doctor had a picture of a human heart  and he is telling me that they  have had success with a mediicine called milrinone ....to help the heart  pump  strong enough  but that it can only be used for a short time and in order to give it a try they  would have to insert a catheter directly into  the small amount of his heart that isnt just dead tissue.."DEAD TISSUE.?? Its just dead??If its dead does that mean its going to rot in there?? Like gain green or something .  Youd going to take him and cut his heart out arent you?!?! Dead Tissue! " I said, Thats *******!! I have never in my life heard EVER of any of this ****!!!"
  " This is up to Dave, You talk...I will translate ...If he doesnr want to do it then we are going to get REAL second opinion!! "
   You were so happy younwerent going to have to have a heart transplanr that you agreed  to the milrinone. . You started feeling pretty good right away.. .They said you could b2 on thw mil3inone 6mo. Then they would wean you off and that would be it.