I am in constant need of supervision. Self destructive tendencies and little, if any, self control are a concoction that can ****. I think this is why I believed in God for so long. I needed someone to watch me. Somedays I needed that injection on guilt at the base of my spine. Feeling the guilt spread over me was my classical conditioning. I remembered how guilt feels like sludge moving slowly through my tiny veins and I adjust. I stopped believing in God, but the guilt stayed. Beliefs are easily discarded where conditioning is, well, it's still here.

Sorry I made you feel small.
I was tiny and scared.
And I wanted your company.

I've always lied to you.
Don't expect me to stop now.

I didn't know what heavy was until we sat on my back porch and swapped painful memories like Pokemon cards.

I didn't know I would like rain until you poured your heart into my hands as the storm hit.

I didn't know you until I lost you, but I still like the heavy feeling I get when the rain hits the top of head.

Not love.
Lust and Loyalty.