do i settle?
fall into a groove of "just good enough"
in her absence?
do i let the pleasant smiles and
half-conscious coversations with
pretty faces and quaint personalities
tempt me?

a quarter drops through the public telescope and i see my life for a moment, in ideals. not what it's become, an efficient machine that serves only to drift through days spouting polite hellos.
no,
i see the way i've always wanted to be in love,
not planning my every move and measuring my words like a rookie chef.
not laboring over a mask to conceal the parts i'm scared to show.
i see hands intertwined in genuine appreciation
acceptance
the rarity of knowing another.

do i give up?
no, i wait.
i'll keep my promise.
to you
and to me

this haunted house feels like us;
memories floating around like ghosts,
your shadow in the corner collecting dust
and the words of coversations like creaky doors
at midnight.
i've got the bones of ours hearts inside a
chest but forgot where the skeleton key went.
dared each other to go in, because, somehow
something dangerous and sinister makes the blood
pump faster.
now that we've left each other haunted,
afraid to love someone new once more-
was it worth not being called a coward, you think?

after all, just like you, my ghost will linger too.

I pretend like I've lived a life
like everyone else
instead of spending days laying in bed
thinking of death and dying
I tell these "white lies" and nod,
in these coversations
I am not me
I'm just listening
pretending to be normal
I am not, I feel I've barely lived
Maybe in books and movies
but not mine
not these past three years
oh dear, I can't bear to think what you would think
if I actually said everything honestly
and didn't just go along.

Someone presumed to jump into your skin
-it did not fit, of course

and they only managed to walk-
one step wearing your boots.

There's aways going to be a girl in Bangkok.
I know, I'm the flutter she is the tick tock, cant be silenced, comes out as action, at your finger tips, a text away, it soothes the inability to touch?
         There's always gonna be that.   
Theres always gonna be a girl in paris,
A little smarter, a little timid flower.
And what was it you said?
I'm a locked open book. A little too much give me love and meaning.
The time we lay on your bed, coversations about the end turned into how you cant feel anyones love. Blood and water hold the same consistency.  And I think I can change you.

Devastated,
Distressed,
Is what I am?

His coversations,
And lies,
Well I don't mean to pry.

Hesitation,
And calmness,
It's given me a reason to live.

Diversions,
And misguides,
It has led me in regret.

I would follow the moon
As close as id go
Your voice echoed
Inside
We had coversations
Each and every night
I prayed To you
Like a God
That created
The very birth
Of my soul
You escaped me
You let go
Now I long for you
I let myself search
Beyond this cloud
Of doo
Is a beautiful earth
Waiting to unravel
Inside my twisted
Blooming
Everescent light

Drowning in nature
Pure and light

It is a calling
It is passion
That cures US

and here's the thing
I don't give a ****
about what you think I might have said about you
over five years ago
in coversations that were once private
with someone who doesn't **** with me anymore
leave the drama at the door
stop keeping score