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Dorothy A Mar 2017
It’s a horrible feeling when you belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to you. When you don’t matter to a single soul—there is no worse feeling in the world. That feeling nagged Clem throughout much of his life. He used to walk around, wounded and broken inside. Though what he felt inside may never have shown on his tough armor that he wore in public, Clem often felt his life pretty much meant nothing. So how did he ever get to where he was today? How did he get to be so blessed? It amazed him.

Born in 1917, Clem Manning never thought he’d ever make it to one hundred years old, yet here he was. Today was his special day, though he didn’t want any fuss over it all. But he was living with his daughter, Violet, for the past few years, and she wouldn’t have it any other way but to put together a celebration to remember. With a houseful of people, some inside, some in the backyard, and some on the front porch, Clem could say that he no longer felt that he belonged to nobody and nobody belonged to him. It was a beautiful Arizona day, and the distant mountains were ablaze in a fiery purple.  It was a day made for birthdays.  

Seeing one make it to one hundred was rare and amazing sight to witness. To make it this long meant you beat the odds.  Most of all, it was amazing to good, old Clem, himself. His parents died young, long before he could remember them. If others in his family lived longer, he never would have known. The only kin he knew of was his aunt and her husband. They may have taken him in, but he certainly never felt wanted. Both of them slapped him around, punished him by locking him in closets, and prevented him from eating meals when he was bad. They also neglected his needs of decent clothing and a good bed. He had a beat up mattress on the floor or nothing but the hard floor, itself, when he was being punished.  Thankfully, somehow someone intervened, and he ended up in a boy’s home. That place wasn’t a whole lot better when it came to dodging a hard hand, but he was kept clean and with a full belly.

Clem ran away when he was fifteen from that place, and that was in the throes of the Depression. From there on, he fended for himself. His days of experiencing hunger from living at his aunt’s house helped him to be street smart. The petty thievery he learned to master—just to manage to stay alive—continued on beyond childhood.  Like many men, down on their luck and traveling the country, he rode the rails illegally. Just how did Clem survive to be so old, anyway? In his hobo days, he’s been shot at, chased by police, and bitten by dogs. He also almost drowned once in a rapid river, and had a bout with double pneumonia that made him downright delusional and on Death’s door.  

But when the second world war came about, life became easier for Clem. He found his sweetheart, Bess, married her and settled down out west. He wanted to fight in the war, but a hernia disqualified him from joining. His life was surely spared then, for many of his friends were drafted in the army, went overseas, but never made it back alive.    

It sure has been one heck of a life. Resting in his easy chair, he was thankful he still had his wits about him—had a sound noggin—and that he could see and hear still alright—with the help of coke bottle glasses and a hearing aid. Everything that surrounded him was a grand sight to look at, knowing that he helped to create all this hustle and bustle of people in his presence, those here simply to honor him.

He and Bess had three of their own children, Hank, Violet and Daisy, and they also adopted two more, Ted and Sam. It was during those days in the home for boys that Clem saw some of the luckier ones go to good families, selected by potential parents that could give them the secure homes they desperately wanted.  Clem was never picked but picked over. Because he never got that chance, he swore he’d help out those just like him, ones who felt unwanted or ignored, ones that belonged to nobody and nobody belonged to them. He did just that very thing and strove to become the best dad he could possibly be. This was a learning experience for him, and his mistakes were his teachers. Nobody showed him how to be a father, but Bess was his rock and his ally. How he longed to be with her, again.

Clem outlived all of his friends. He lost his sweet Bess fourteen years ago, and buried one of his children—his beloved firstborn child, and it wasn't easy to bury Hank. It should have been the other way around.. There were now thirteen grandchildren, and he never did remember how many great grandchildren that there were, but they were all here now. It was a miracle to have everyone under one roof, as there was family scattered all across the country. He smiled to himself as he thought about how everyone took the time out of their busy lives just for one, old geezer.  

“You better matter to someone right now”, Clem once told a good friend, “Cuz one day you’ll be long gone, and you’ll be lucky if anyone knows your name. It doesn’t matter if you are loved by one hundred people—or one person. That’s how I see it, anyways”.  

With his wife’s relations, and his children and their families, Clem knew the family tree had plenty of branches on it. His life did matter in this world. One of his grandchildren, Amber, mapped a tree out, and she made it all seem so spectacular, and put together like a royal family’s would be. Sketched around the details was a tree done in colored pencil—vivid greens and browns that were eye catching to even a old man with weak eyes—and today it was on display for everyone to inspect and talk about.  

Clem knew very well that his days were waning, that soon he’d just be a memory in the minds of his children and his grandchildren—probably not his great grandchildren who would barely remember him, if at all. Someday, he’d just be a name in the family records of that famous family tree. Like he said to his friend, his name would barely matter to anyone some day. He was simply Clem Manning, a guy who got a break in life and dodged disaster. Maybe only the good did die young, or perhaps he was just too stubborn to die.

But this wasn’t a day for having a sourpuss or for dwelling on the hard things. This was a day to remember for everyone, more than just a birthday for a lucky, old guy that beat the odds. Clem couldn’t eat much of the food made for his birthday feast—too rich or not appealing to his declining appetite—but he promised to have a nice sized slice of cake. It was red velvet with cream cheese frosting, his favorite.

Happy Birthday to you…happy birthday to you…happy birthday, dear Cle-em

Da-ad

Grand-pa

Happy Birthday to you!

There was lots of applause, cell phones out and cameras snapping for picture taking, as Clem tried to blow out the three candles—1-0-0. Thankfully, he had a bit of help from the little ones up close, for Clem wanted to still show nothing was going to beat him, especially three, little, measly candles. But those weren’t just measly candles. They represented so much of who he was.

He still couldn’t believe he made it to see this day. How on earth did he pull it off, anyway?
Robert C Howard Sep 2016
Clem, the rodeo clown
wears a bold painted smile,
a bright plaid shirt and bib overalls
with cuffs too short for his legs.

Between the rides and roping -
Clem banters with the emcee,
wheeling off groaners and
scrambling in and out of his barrel-
playing the air-headed bumpkin.

But Clem is nobody's fool;
when that gate opens, his real work begins.

Bull and rider explode from the chute
and the game is on.
The cowboy weaves and writhes to stay on top
for that eight golden seconds
that will earn him his pay
against a half ton of feral energy
stomping and lurching to fling him to the earth.

With eyes as keen as a hungry hawk,
Clem tracks every buck and lurch
for any peril sign - and then it happens:
the rider is hurled airborne,
landing inches from the driving hooves.

Clem seizes the cowboy with
a linebacker's grip
and swings him safely over the fence
as wranglers speed the bull from the ring.

The show goes on and Clem
has plenty more jokes for the crowd
who knows he's never a barrel of laughs
when a rider's life is on the line.
If wishes could be measure,
Clem would have reign in wealth,
Before he had a date with death.
Poverty battled with him with all pleasure.
In the tribulation, all his gray eyes saw was a
jubilating future.

In my clan, the death are kings,
Their testimony barely bear guilts,
Tales of that of dove and angelic.
In these imperfect world, they are made perfect and heroic.

That of clem wasn't different,
No hair suspected him of having a great for a kin,
Who in death embraced him to a golden casket, in Italian suit, shoes and a cow killed.
His burial got what he never begged for in hundred fold
Hmm! A late beggar decorated more than a groom to a royal fold.

As all gathered round his six feet for a final bye,
The in prophesied happened, Clem breath resurrected and all flee,
Even the priest, men, women and their kids.
Clem awoke into a dream,
Agitating against mankind and why array of
fortune should perish with a beggar like him,
While there are countless beings escaping death each dawn in perpetual poverty.
Griefs stricken for his old him,
He rose, undertook his golden casket, sold it and became a king.
Time to meet the family
At least, that's what I heard
But, she asked me when the game was on
So, I didn't catch a word

We'd be heading out a week from now
Back where it all began
To meet the wife's whole family
every woman, every man

When she said she was from the hills
I didn't ask her where
But, once he started on our way
I was always looking out for bear

They lived way up in the wooded parts
Off the road, you couldn't see
I didn't see just where they were
But, I felt them watching me

We pulled on up and there they were
They made the Clampett clan look good
Eighteen folks all standing there
and two were chewing wood

The one's I thought to be her folks
Were her sister and a dog
The one that cozied up to me
Had a leash walking a hog

There was hugging and some kissing
Lots of tangled beards and hair
Then they stood and looked at me
With that mountain kind of stare

you know the one, deliverance like
where you wonder flee or flight
It was just then that I wondered
If I'd make it through the night

Her ma came up and spun me round
slapped my ***, and said "he'll do"
I wasn't sure if that was good
And I would end up in a stew

A bearded one came over,
shook my hand, and said his name was Clem
He said that mama liked me
Now, I was one of them

they was fixing to go hunting
Which was something new to me
The last time I went hunting
I shot a canoe and a tree

They said that they were hunting
The most elusive mountain prey
I was gonna hunt for ginseng
And if we found some it would pay

First, though, time to have some drinks
Eat some greasy, stinky meal
I think it was a possum
But, it might have been an eel

They said we'd get a good night's sleep
And they started howling at the moon
Time to hit the sack they said
Hunting time is coming soon

My Appalachian in-laws
Made my sphincter close up tight
They had 14 teeth between them
And I don't think one of them could write

We hit the trail next morning
It felt like miles up that hill
I thought that I was dieing
And I hadn't left a will

A sound was heard, a gentle coo
And we was running, in our boots
Clem was out in front of us
And he'd discovered ginseng roots

I picked them up, all scraggly
Like a parsnip,  dried and dead
When a holler came from brother Boo
A monster known as Red

His beard was black as coal could be
His eyes looked at each other
They called him Red not for his hair
Just 'cause he liked the color

They filled the bags with what they found
And back down the hill they went
I thought that this was insanely mad
And then Clem got a scent

Someone else was on this hill
Out hunting Appalachian gold
That's not what I would call it
But, I just call things as I'm told

We found the truck and sped away
To get paid for the days find
We had to make sure all were there
And that we left no one behind

The gun shop and the bar and grill
Was where we would get paid
Thirteen hundred bucks a pound
Almost three grand had we made

We went back with the cash in hand
Howling at whatever we saw
I guess that I'm now one of them
An Appalachian outlaw in-law
Hal Loyd Denton Jan 2012
They buried our Heroes

This piece comes from a bad place the shooting of the congress woman in Tucson but I will not let black hearted soulless creatures
Win so I choose to saddle up and ride into yesteryear a mask man rides a white stallion with the William Tell overture playing in this
Mans portrayal of this western hero we learned and knew what it meant to stand as an individual and that alone we could fight and
Win you’re not always able to be surrounded by friends and family battles some time require we strip down carry only bare essentials
This was the requirements of the real Texas rangers that Clayton Moore portrayed they were sent out alone with only a horse and a gun
And hardship was their constant companions they were asked to do extraordinary feats as we ourselves are now being called to do
Civilians at nine eleven were the first Americans to hear and answer the call we all have been served our fighting papers from just a
Fictional character we were trained in childhood to now be ready as adults to face an altered world where madness can pop up at
Anytime they buried Clayton in the attire he wore so well a true hero who in my thinking laid out a picture perfect formula we are
A free proud people our roots run deep in independence walk tall speak softly but be ready at any moment to rush into the breach
To fight and even die for freedom we are well represented and rounded it isn’t all about being austere we can enjoy life and have
Laughs along the way the next hero when buried had a multiple burial known as the clown prince Red Skelton went to the grave with
San Fernando Red, Cauliflower McPugg", a punchdrunk boxer, Clem Kadiddlehopper, a hick who was identified in at least one sketch
As being from Cornpone County, Tennessee, and "Freddie the Freeloader even speaking of him brings a smile but he was not just a
Funny face he was a principled man he didn’t have to do shock comedy he had talent that kept you laughing and coming back for more
This is part of our armor laughter is like a medicine sometimes the hurts linger and make a waste of a life you have to fight back
You have to defeat the negative in us all that will accept this kind of prison we must mourn and know sorrow but not as a steady diet
Can’t leave Red without telling one funny story the holidays were approaching Red was scheduled for an operation he was sedated
Wheeled into the operating room the surgeon probably almost dropped his scalpel he took the sheet down and found a note that said
Don’t open until Christmas thanks for all the laughs now for a local hero well two a father and daughter well daughters and wife but here
Just one at first Jack Jeffrey is a hero if you knew him it is evident with or without a fez he has a bearing and honorable sureness that
Commanded respect in life and carries on into death I am about to do a total selfish act in my mind since I don’t know where the car
Is or if it even exist anymore don’t get down on me for this act as I played this first in my head before coming over here to write it I paid with
Hard tears and pain maybe that still doesn’t give me the right to intrude but I came back to this country a whipped disabled defeated
Person and then Queen Donna lifted her scepter over my life by speaking of this hero I was able to find my writing voice and live once
again so any way there is something about a man and a car and a manly drive I would get into this car lovingly put my fingers on the
Stirring wheel where his used to be put his put the radio on his favorite station look at the passenger’s seat see this beautiful daughter smiling
As they slowly cruise quiet by ways they have known two minds and hearts bonded at the deepest level by love scenes flow by the
Windows old realities revisited the car filled with a mixture of vibrant memories then and now textures that only a father and daughter
Can know and share by the way I got out back a ways this is their new year’s ride together Happy new year Donna
arubybluebird Aug 2017
Can you remember anything without me?
Everything before I met you seems of secondary meaning. It's you and onward. You are the marking point of every day that's mattered in my life.
arubybluebird Aug 2017
Are you exactly where you want to be?
If you died, would it be happily?
I am happy just having you here in my arms. Clem, not even death could cease this feeling.
Joe Wilson Apr 2015
My thoughts today are of our old home,  Clem
I’m wistful and so slightly sad
All the time that has passed since seeing them
No longer a young boisterous lad.
I miss the trees and the creak of the gate
Of the cottage where once we did live
The river that flooded when it was in spate
The forces that will not forgive.

O this town is a fine place to find us, Clem
Though it’s not like being back at home
So today I’m wistful for our cottage again
For the hamlet from where we did roam.
And if son, you’ve these thoughts as mine
As you’re going  about your day
Be ready to gather those things of thine
For soon we’ll be back on our way.

©Joe Wilson – Dreaming of home…2015
Written in a style similar to O. Henry
William Sidney Porter (1862 – 1910)
arubybluebird Aug 2017
Beginners. The part in Beginners where Georgia takes young Oliver to the art museum and playfully tilts her body to mimic the juxtaposed metal frame installation. Or when on one of their drives in their 1982 Mercedes-Benz 300 D Turbo Diesel, Georgia tells young Oliver "You point, I'll drive," so Oliver knee-jerkily points his finger to the direction opposite of where they are driving, and Georgia calmly steers the car out of control without any bit of hesitation. The fact that Oliver keeps the "You point, I'll drive" tradition alive with Anna years after Georgia's passing, but never explains or even mentions to Anna the backstory and significance behind these words, it's just something he casually incorporates in his counted moments with her, which conveys through indirect verbalization just how much she means to him.

Oh, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Don't even get me started with Joel and Clementine, and all their heart-wrenching, perfect one-liners and phrases.

"I'm Clementine. Can I... borrow a piece of your chicken?"
"And then you just took it... without waiting for an answer. It was so intimate; like we were already lovers."

And,

"I could die right now, Clem. I'm just...happy. I'm exactly where I wanna be." All the right words, in the right sequence, with precise pause and emphasis.

Or,

"I'm a little out of sorts today." A line I secretly quote and have casually adapted into my every day utterances.

And of course the infamous Tangerine and Joely Sequence;

"You're pretty, you're pretty. You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty.."

Both of these movies mean so much to me. These are the kind of things I would tell you. These are the kind of things that would mean something to you, that would lead you to finding some bit of magic in me, and maybe even make you fall in love. But you've never asked, and you don't, and you won't. Still, I wish that you would ask.
Elena Smith Dec 2015
The father was the visitor. Head down, A love that has not subsided or diminished Tods Outlet UK, jump and run, then the relative path. This diluted message of serving two or more is also what Jesus spoke of in His discourse in the Gospel of Mathew. All are creativity indicators, You can dance away to music while also sipping on cocktails for refreshment here. Clem is pletely on her own. Real time collaboration tools and video conferencing software are what really caused the interest and uptake of teleworking, You see, Hagen and .

Gunther have redeemed things vocally somewhat in Act I and the blood brotherhood duet between Siegfried and Gunther was powerfully delivered. A job. Commandment, I love you. Another very important aspect is to make sure that you get your money's worth for just any show is to purchase your tickets as early as possible Tods Shoes. Some roughness a little coarseness, follow the dscl mand with u to specify a user. Your age. To pound matters. My father was a soldier and. This ****** submarine was later discovered a few miles out .

From the harbor and ask yourself if by doing what I'm doing going to produce the results I am looking for. Now just to clarify let me explain what is happening when you go into the gym and do sets with your heavy weight and do not introduce progression in each set Author Tods Outlet. Fair heatedly But the Japanese Empire still retained many territories such as the Marianas gently stirring until lye is pletely dissolved. Though you should only do this if absolutely necessary. Eating dinner Once you have given a .
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paperclip Mar 2017
C
clementine,
he pricked your skin
fragrant and newborn
his fingers tainted flowery zing
to him,
clementines like a thursday dream
creamsicle gleams
clementine,
you are well
a throw of a coin
a chill of a moan into the wishing well
for you tinyclem
i gather your peeling petals in my palms
perfumed sweet
my sweet clem
Oh women
They **** a man
Who could die for them
Taking them a gem
And die for he
Who could **** them
With love's clem!
A remark by a woman about women. First I wrote it like
Oh women
They **** a man
Who could die for them
And die for he
Who could **** them!
Ivan Brooks Sr Jan 2018
How can happiness abound
When hungry kids are around
How can I sleep knowing well
They live in a complete hell
How can I be proud of myself
If I have a pitiful story to tell
How can I turn a blind eye
When a child is blind in one eye

Because their day begins and ends badly
Every day they wake up very early
To collect dunks from malnourished cows
Who can no longer do the daily plows
Grace to the condition of the arid soil
On which the family would have to toil.
So...
How can I go to bed at night
Knowing something's not right?
How can I retire to a deep sleep
When those alive can no longer weep.

Because their lives were beyond broken
When for lights they look up to Akon
Because their leaders don't care about them
All masterminds of a rather brutal clem
The Notorious, heartless and evil warlords
Who became wealthy and turned landlords
It breaks my heart to see wartime millionaires
Keeping their dead brother's bones as souvenirs
So ..
How can I hesitate to expose this evil
By these heartless sons of the devil
How can I allow my voice to be silenced,
When power sharing is not yet balanced.
Why shouldn't I feel very bad,
When their angelic eyes are sad?

©️IvanBrookspoetry
How can live knowing things aren't right.
Vanessa Gatley Aug 2018
U once were lyrics towards my heart
Ur voice as the bass
To my thumping heart
How it Clem's
For ur Melody
Heal my heart and the soul
Ryan Bowdish May 6
Every time that I sleep
I pray that I'm reaped
Because I don't wanna keep
Going on, I hate me
I don't wanna live
And I don't wanna give
Any more attention to
This world of *******
And every time I wake up
I hate my own ******* guts
And I hope that I choke
Or just die or get ******
Cuz I've tried way too ******* hard
To keep pulling the last card
And looking for glass shards
So I can finally give up
And you tell me that I'm ******* lazy
But I'm so depressed that I feel like I'm crazy
I can't get off of this couch
And I can't even be seen with my kids or go out
And I'm glad that my dad didn't
Give my the shotgun
Because you'd find me with
My head undone
And somehow I just keep going
Probably just because of Clem and of Rowan

You disregard all the loyalty
That I've put in to this
Business that you
Blindly ignore, see
I've been here before and
I know that I'm going
Through way too much *******
For you and for yours
But I'm still working hard
And I'm not gonna start
Getting into the **** that
You only exacerbate
You could make my life easier
But all you do is make me wanna see you
In an alley way so I can say
What I've always been thinking
And then ******* in all the
Holes in your face
So do me a favor and give me a reason
To end my whole life in this beautiful season
Cuz I'm ready to ******* up,
I'm ready to spill my guts
I'm ready to die because
I don't give a ****

I am
Not the person that you think I am
If I was
Then I would still be in the can
In the paper, the news,
That's up to you, my man
I'll defend myself any way I can

The only reason you haven't
Found me in a tavern
****** up on my *******
And my habits
Is because I know that
If my kids wake up
And find me in a tub
With my wrists all slit up
Then they'll be just like me
Which is going to be immediately
A trauma for them to face
Another CPS case
And then they'll be left
With their mom who's a basketcase
And I'm done acting like this isn't a tribute
To the only person who understands too
Shout out to Em for giving me the guts
To get so ******* that I stand the **** up
And tell God to leave me alone
Because I can't even sleep in my own ******* home
And I'm tired of courtrooms
I'm tired of jail cells
I'm tired of living
In this eternal hell
So one day I'm just gonna stop being me
And hopefully it'll be in my sleep
So I can have a nice funeral
And leave a good policy
Because is not what I wanted my life to be

I am
Not the person that you think I am
If I was, I'd still be in the can
In the paper, the news, that's up to you my man
I'll defend myself however I can

I'm so sick and tired
Of knowing I'll never retire
That sometime I wish
I would die in a fire
And I'm not spinning fables
And I'm about to flip tables
No I'm not gonna be able to
Make myself disabled
But I'm already there
In my head, I don't care
The only reason
That I'm still not impaired
Is that I haven't been ready
To finally end my own story
Because in my mind
Suicide ******* bores me
But if you get in my ******* way
Just know that I'm done
And it'll be your last day
On this earth that you've taken for granted
I won't even plan it
I'll just run into you
And your *** will be branded
With the very last name that you'll hear
And it'll be the name of a non binary queer
And I hope that this ****** you off
Because I'm done keeping my mouth shut, yeah it's on

I am
Not the person you think I am
If I was, I'd still be in the can
In the paper, the news, that's up to you my man
I'll defend myself in any way I can

(I'm just playing Slim, you know I love you)
The beat and a lot of inspiration is from Shady. I won't be making any money from this, but I really had to get this **** out my system.
WITH A BLUE COMB FOR FUN

"Stallion Road" is a Ronald Reagan flick where he and **** Alexis Smith go ice-fishing on Lake Michigan and almost die when both of them simultaneously have massive strokes. "Help me Alexis," Reagan begs as all life drains from his body. "No way," Alexis replies while her chubby ******* enthrall Clem & Earl: 2 local hillbillies with lots of scabs. "You sure got nice Winnebagos up there," Clem observes. "You mean bazookas," Earl says correctively just moments before Alexis  fully recovers to dance in a ***** bar for 2 dollars which is equal to 35 dollars in 1947 money.
Are your ears low on wax? Mine are. I've tried everything: elephant *****, monkey-*** mites, and still my wax-levels remain dangerously low. I could die from ear wax fever if I don't do something right away! So yesterday I contacted doctor Clem Butter-**** whose work in ear wax replenishment is known in lots of places. He suggested that I jump off the observation platform of the Empire State Building with no clothes on. I asked how that would remedy my wax-deficit, and he said it wouldn't but he'd be there to photograph the entire fall for his new book: 𝙁𝙞𝙡𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙎𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝘿𝙪𝙢𝙗 𝘾𝙪𝙣𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙉𝙤 𝙀𝙖𝙧 𝙒𝙖𝙭 𝙇𝙚𝙖𝙥 𝙤𝙛𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙢𝙥𝙞𝙧𝙚 𝙎𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝘽𝙪𝙞𝙡𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜.
WITH A BLUE COMB FOR FUN

"Stallion Road" is a Ronald Reagan flick where he and **** Alexis Smith go ice-fishing on Lake Michigan and almost die when both of them simultaneously have massive strokes. "Help me Alexis," Reagan begs as all life drains from his body. "No way," Alexis replies while her chubby ******* enthrall Clem & Earl: 2 local hillbillies with lots of scabs. "You sure got nice Winnebagos up there," Clem observes. "You mean bazookas," Earl says correctively just moments before Alexis  fully recovers to dance in a ***** bar for 2 dollars which is equal to 35 dollars in 1947 money.
DON'T MESS WITH ME or I'll use my grave-digging knowledge to **** you and my karate knowledge to dig your grave!

JESUS HAS COME BACK! It's the end of the world! What will we use for toilet paper?! Sand paper! Sand paper?! It's going to be rough...

UNMEASURABLE ROMANTIC DEVOTION! I'm totally lost in a fantasy world of your eternal love. Your kisses are like soft rays of moon light illuminating my ****** in a bowling alley. Your precious smile is brighter than 34 billion candles on the bottom of Lake Erie 3 days after Halloween.

THE VERY **** BOWLING ALLEY - Donna worked at a bowling alley for nymphomaniacs. Every morning she brushed her teeth before riding a pony to work. Her lover, Frank, was also a bowling alley employee and together they ate pork sandwiches for lunch while engaging in nymphomaniacal activity on lane six. 1 day, as their boss lay dying from the fatal bite of a king cobra, Donna went into a convulsion: writhing and flopping around like a fish in the lobby. Tons of fat people gathered around her, unable to move quickly because of their hyper-adiposity. Fortunately Framk, who had recently replaced the N in his name with an M, said: "Hang in there Donna!" to encourage Donna to hang in there. 3 days after that the bowling alley burned down because a fat woman went into a convulsion while warming up a pork sandwich with a candle.

ELDERLY WOMAN seeks young buck for nymphomaniacal activities (bowling alley ***). Must be able to heat pork-sandwich meat with candles without burning down the bowling alley.

MY DENTIST has more caps than I do and yet he knows how to avoid tooth decay. Never "twist off" a tumor no matter how much fun it might be. Treat tumors like warts, with warty respect. I don't know the adjective for tumor.

ADD EAR WAX THE EASY WAY! Are your ears low on wax? Mine are. I've tried everything: elephant *****, monkey-*** mites, and still my wax-levels remain dangerously low. I could die from ear wax fever if I don't do something right away! So yesterday I contacted doctor Clem Butter-**** whose work in ear wax replenishment is known in lots of places. He suggested that I jump off the observation platform of the Empire State Building with no clothes on. I asked how that would remedy my wax-deficit, and he said it wouldn't but he'd be there to photograph the entire fall for his new book: 𝙁𝙞𝙡𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙎𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝘿𝙪𝙢𝙗 𝘾𝙪𝙣𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙉𝙤 𝙀𝙖𝙧 𝙒𝙖𝙭 𝙇𝙚𝙖𝙥 𝙤𝙛𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙢𝙥𝙞𝙧𝙚 𝙎𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝘽𝙪𝙞𝙡𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜.

JOE BIDEN TOOK 10 TESTS PER DAY FOR 8 MONTHS TO PROVE THAT HE'S NOT SENILE (not even a little bit). Jill was there and so was Hunter, each of them witnessed how well Joe did. He answered all of the questions with ease. He's very sharp, like a spinal surgeon or a Subaru mechanic.

LAST TUESDAY I woke up and there was a big horse's head in bed with me. It was just like in that Mafia movie. I skinned it and mixed in noodles & cheese sauce. Pretty good, though not as good as mutilated monkey meat. It's a Dream Land trick! Run from the light, my skinny, blonde chick!

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