Realizing I am slipping away from her when she didn't text me happy birthday this year. Even though we haven't talked in four years, the very least we could do is say, "I thought of you today, and I hope it's going great." The absence of that sank its fangs into my throat.

Sipping a hot cinnamon dolce latte while sitting on the second floor deck of the student center. Watching students stream in waves to classes, and wondering what their story is.

Hearing the three chimes in 'Cassy O' and the guitar's chaos at minute 6:47 to 7:45 of 'Freedom' live at the Hammersmith Apollo, 2007.

Gazing at the sky when the sun is on the other side of the world, but a shade of crimson tinges in a terrifying drench.

Conversely, when the sky is so white, all one smooth blanket, I wonder what color will I see when I finally go to sleep- or will I be stuck in a black film?

Knowing a boy is near me so I stretch my neck, straighten my back, and hope he notices everything I want a person to notice and grow to love.

The disappointment people have in me swallows my whole body. Sometimes it's an act of cannibalism, and I can't push away regret faster than it starts to lick its lips at the sight of my glistening blood.

Seeing a picture of my younger self from sixteen, and it seems I have changed far too much to connect with the person in the image. She didn't know anything. I still don't know anything.

I stare at myself in the mirror, sometimes fully clothed and sometimes naked, and I wonder, "Who the hell is this? Who is she?" I detach my soul from my frame, and my face does not match my mind.

My eyes can just take a picture. I know the quality and the subject, my camera does not. I see angles and perspectives differently, and it frustrates me that I cannot get my vision out.

Some days my hearing does not affect me whatsoever. I don't even think about it. But others, particularly when I make mistakes, I blame my disability. And I hate to make excuses.

I want someone to film my passing moments, catch my laughter, study my ****** expressions. Expect me to glow and beam when I hear my favorite sounds, know where my dialect comes from, smile when I mention my friends.

One day someone will hold me and reach intimate places, and I'm afraid I will not be sufficient enough.

The scariest thing, however, and I absolutely have no way of explaining it, is life after death. We live for a fraction of time. We will forever live in white space, and not come alive again. Doesn't that terrify you?

The first game of spring
It was the first game of the year.
The go lump ducks vs the hot rugrats.
On 1st base for the hot rugrats is: Tiny judy mad cat
On 2nd is Flash betty furball
At shortstop is lucky slip maybell
On 3rd three leg piggy polecat
Rt field Cassy cool cat
Cfield Tiffy Mudcat
Lt field Vicky short pants Field cat.
Pitching Wild arm Jayne legcat
Catching Junk Cat Kitty
The game is cancel due to Rats on the field  the team is hard to control
A real mess the lump ducks left after the first rat was tore apart.
But that's your line up for tomorrow's game.

It was summer, when Tommy died
Peacefull, warm, the smell of woods in the air
A stream flowed through the meadow into a pond;
This was a place where dreams come true.
On that day friends found the place
Enjoyed the freedom of water:
Tommy, Lilly, Cassy, John
The day when Tommy died
It was a Friday
So much remembered
Tommy, Lilly, Cassy, John
Drove to the woods, the meadow, the pond
The Sun played silver tricks with the surface with its invitation to water,
Where Tommy vanished, disappeared, taking The Sun with him.
So much was lost that summers’ day
So much changed since Tommy went away.

My name is Milly Aswillbe,
I wish there was just one of me,
But in fact, there’s twenty-three,

Each takes their time and place
To occupy my frame and face,

And have their stint upon the stage
Being good or madly rage

Or being sweet and kind
Or being wild and speak their mind,

Each has a different name from mine
One of which is Cassy Kline,

But each is odd to some degree,
For each is some part of me.

i wonder what heavens like
is my grandma there?
is both my grandpas there?
is cassy, lilly, and stella there?
are my friends there?

is it quiet at night there?
is it peaceful like the morning sun
rising over the ocean so calmy?
is there thunderstorms that put you to sleep?
is there no pain there?
do you laugh so hard your stomach aches there?

why does it sound nicer
to be there
than
it does to be here
within all of this ******* chaos
within all of this ******* pain
why am i here and not there?