I wish I could trust you
When you say you love me

I wish I could trust you
When you say nothing will change

But we look to history for a reason.
Because it's constantly repeating.
I'm going to get hurt again.
I just know it.

So I want to trust that you love me
But I'm sure you'll "love" someone else just as much

And I want to trust that nothing will change
But ******, it already has.

Happy
Accomplished
Loved

Then heartbroken
Alone
Collapsing into myself

Then Rebirth
A recognition of who I used to be
A new beginning

Then reunited
Afire with love
Happiest

Only to be torn apart

By another three months

What will change now?

flushed
as a dusty rose color is painted onto my face
dancing across my cheekbones

hushed
as my complete vocabulary
escapes my thoughts with each airy breath

rushed
as my heart beat quickens
to catch up with the speed in which my emotions flow

crushed
as I realize the damage my body will endure
when I lose you

pale is my flush
crying, there is no hush
heart no longer in a rush
now, your love leaves me
clinging on to a hopeless crush

I know you'll forget me
I know we won't stay together
I know it won't work out
I know you'll find someone better

The torrential torment of being apart
The unrelenting pain of not knowing when it will end
but the demonic awareness of knowing it will
clawing at the back of my brain
tearing apart my sanity
piece by piece
slowly I began to realize
You'll definitely forget me.

So why am I agreeing to this?

Because I'm selfish.
As greedy and selfish as it gets.
And even though I know it's already over
I'll squeeze out any time we have left.  

I watch it crumble in front of me,
The hope I had that we could be something outside of this bubble.
Our future on the near horizon
It's drifting further away
everyday
(We talk about it so vividly
As if it actually might happen)

I watch your future light up mine
And burn it to the ground.

And then there's no us.
Just you
and the crumbled existence of me
sitting ominously in the distance
just a shadow
underwhelming next to your bright
bustling future

One that doesn't include me.

i ruined it again
and it's worse
because this time
it really is about me.