Out there I found
The enlightenment of Nirvana
Whilst the city lights
Burned bright in unforgettable fires
And the singer sang his love for you
I knew that I would have the calm of one
As I journeyed to the centre of the Earth
Finding the return full of heartbreak
But all I wanted to do
Was break on through
To the other side

Fields stretching out in yellow and green
The brilliant blue of the sky joining in the distance
A gentle breeze swaying the sunburnt grass
The crickets chirruping their piercing songs
Tranquillity is all around
The clean air fills the lungs
As the calm spreads throughout
Like a lover’s hand caressing the body
Or the warmth of the first hit of *****
Releasing the pain from within
All has disappeared
And I am one with nature
But its permanence is fleeting
The cold turkey will kick in
And as thoughts flood back
The tsunami of angst returns
The realities of life

Just tell me what it is you want
Don’t sit there and make me into a mind reader
Just say exactly what you want
Don’t complain about me behind my back
Saying I don’t do this and I don’t do that
When you haven’t told me exactly what you want
After I told you to be direct
Just say what it is you want
(For ****’s sake)

Recurrent fixations
Brain and body stuck in the white noise of pain and anguish
Their scratched records echoing time
Memories returning needing to be demolished
Films of sweat gathering on the surface of the skin
Itchiness and jittery thoughts
Hallucinations brimming on the surface
Pale from nocturnal lifetime
The vampiric urge to ingest powders of delight and death
The soul stripped of all life, but just one more fix
A fix to bring us back to life
Oh life, you are reduced to one meaning

Awakening to surrounding grotesqueries waiting for memories of night time revelries to reappear and brighten the face before thoughts become sick and obsessed on one ideal
Life, a permanent black punctuated by brief moments of pure white light whose glow depletes with every jab in the squalid, stinking, putrid conditions
Sickness seeping into every pore
Twisted souls kicking and screaming torments at the day
Calling for gods to release the pain
Listening at the night for the fireworks of relief
Control relinquished to flowers of romance
Their seeds vomiting life back once more

Shaking hands and rapid increase in the beating heart
Licking lips in anticipation whilst muscle memory rituals of bent, blackened spoons and vein raising ties pave the way for temporary bliss of pure white light and uncontrollable pleasure
My distorted life of dishonest and fraudulent ways return once more

When you look back, what can you say?
Did you bring something of use,
Something that you can be proud of?
Or did you just take, causing pain and misery?
Will others be proud of what you did,
Will someone thank you for what you’ve done?
Or will they celebrate now you’ve gone?
Are you an angel on Earth,
Bringing selfless happiness and joy?
Do you love with all your heart,
Never expecting acts in return,
Just knowing that feeling good is good enough?
For if you do,
Then you will know,
The meaning of love.

What is it that I have done this time to bring the wrath down upon my head?
The burning hatred in your eyes bright with a fury of unknown deeds or words
In my tiptoeing world of never knowing
What blame is pinned to the chest today?
The paranoid delusions of my unsatisfying life failing you with every action
My unworthiness constantly on display that only you can see

I flinch, I tremble, I beg
I endure the belittling, the threats, the humiliations, the staring through me
The **** on your shoe unable to meet your exacting, delusional demands
My unwillingness to bow down at your majesty, your might and intellectual superiority

With the snap of a finger, the rage dissipates
And contrition follows quickly along
If only I would learn, you wouldn’t have to show me my errors
You love me like no-one else would
I am lucky to have you, but I must not keep stepping out of line for you cannot keep doing this
It is for my own good I’m sure
I just don’t think I know or want to know that
And then it is over and the adrenaline is left to slowly creep out of the system
And I want to cry

Not anymore
Not tonight
Tonight I’m going to be free
Free from the sharp tongue
The threats of a pounding unless I comply
The put downs
The constantly being told I am not good enough
And you are the only one for me

I whisper your name
I need you to stir
I need you to see
To feel the coming apocalypse
No movement, no stirring
Again, a little louder
The voice gentle
A parent waking their child without startle
You mutter in the grogginess of dreams
Once more with the hand caressing the cheek
The eyes they open slowly
With some recognition you smile back, but this is the last time that you will
With the anger and vengeance of all those abused, I raise the hammer and with the power of Thor bring it down into the centre of your forehead with a bone cracking thud
The look you gave after the second blow
The look of a confused little boy wondering what had brought this on was overshadowed by the third and final blow
No more
No more threats
No more shouting
No more abuse
No more placating you so you don’t hurt
No more believing what you say
No more put downs
I am worthy
I am good enough
I am my own person
I am me
(You are no more and I am free)

In the mind of the world wide web, where false realities are perceived as certainties, my son received an education not of life, but fake lessons.
To correct the course, I turned to him and declared,
Real men don’t threaten or hit women
Real men acknowledge their faults
Real men don’t keep blaming others
Real men accept their partners as equals
Real men don’t belittle women
Real men trust
Real men don’t impose their will on others
Real men support their partners
Real men don’t take their inadequacies out on others
Real men look after their kids, feed, clothe, ensure they have everything they need
Real men clean up
Real men have their own thoughts
Real men are not influenced by others
Real men teach right from wrong
Real men don’t automatically believe others and what they read, they think critically
Real men stand up for injustice, they are not sheep
Real men don’t belittle their partners to their children in order to curry their favour
Real men accept others, faults and all
Real men accept responsibility for their actions
Real men think and learn
Real men know that no means no
Real men don’t need to prove how hard they are, living on past glories
Real men protect the weak and vulnerable
Real men don’t need to prove their manliness
Real men cry
Real men don’t try to control and manipulate others
Real men accept that others may have differing views
Real men don’t attack others for how they look
Real men are comfortable in their own skin
Real men lead
Real men love
If you can do all these then you will be a man my son.

When you look in the mirror,
What do you see?
Is it an Adonis,
All muscle and sinew?
The **** curves of Aphrodite?
Or the flab and puniness
Of my reflection?
Are you ever satisfied,
With what God gave you?
Could you ever look and think,
That is it, I’ve made it?
I don’t need your body shaming,
I do that on my own.
So goodbye to confidence
And hello to shame and guilt.
At not being what you want.
Unable to be happy in my own skin.

Stances and poses stolen from guitar Gods
Hip shakes amping the sexuality
Audience love
And ego boosted
The nightly life of the rock star

Boredom and waiting around
Back stage the city that I only see
Taking advantage
Of groupie love
The nightly life of the rock star

Adrenaline coursing through the veins
Not a chance of dreaming soon
Alcohol or drugs
Can permanently fix
The nightly life of a rock star

And don’t get me started on interviews.
What a ridiculous process.
You are asked a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question
And answer with one.
But in the feedback,
They wanted more.
And you are not right for them this time.
They wish you ‘good luck’
And ‘try again in the future’
But why the **** would you?
When you did nothing wrong,
But answer their questions as asked.
What are you?
A ******* mind reader
******.

I am the quiet one sat with you whilst being on my own
I am the one sat with you that you do not see
I am the one working ten times harder than you every day of the week
I am the one who you look at and see freak, ******, odd
I am the one who doesn’t see what you want me to even though I look
I am the one who has layers of disguise
The spy who cannot come in from the cold
I am the one who keeps it inside what they want to say
I am the one who you will never truly know what makes me smile
I am the one who needs to be released
The shackles of life if only broken
And lifting the mask to finally reveal
That finally without hesitation or thought
I am me, not you
I am one.

You think you know because you read something on the internet
And your wife’s best friend’s cousin knows someone with it
So you have all the answers and cannot be wrong
Dave down the pub reckons it is all a scam and really they are just a bit thick
And he knows because he is Dave and Dave knows **** especially when seven pints in (God he is ******* funny; what a legend)

We are the problem with the world
The world that is only for the entrepreneur
Not the ones who see through the smokescreen
Wanting to give love to everyone, using intimidating genders and pronouns, instead of glorifying the economies of scale
But they are the snake oil salespeople

So go back to your cave of gossip and rumours; evolution has stalled for you
Genuflecting at the feet of those paid influencers who tell you how to live your life with fictitious remedies of being
Leaving us to mop up your mess
Too ******* stupid, too ******* greedy to save the earth
Too ******* stupid, too ******* greedy to end poverty
Too ******* stupid, too ******* greedy to accept
Too
*******
Stupid
You
Greedy
****

Seeing, looking wanting to be let in
Life on the edge
Of the fringes of society
But never quite being there
As a shadowy presence of luminous white
Flitting around with silent words
Observing how easy it is that your laughter
Is enjoyed by so many as my words go unheard
The ease of which you glide in and out of chatting
Weaving sonnets of magic
Esoteric word dances of laughter and light
The liquored ballads puncturing the air of ****** tension
For tonight you are the kings of comedy
And I sit on the edge; in and out.

I saw some of the wannabe greatest minds of our generation, corrupted by the compulsion of capital,
Bow down in loyalty to the non-existent king whose propaganda talk of spite and hate seduced the minds of citizens,
Splintering the nation of once rational folk into troops of outraged souls.
I saw citizens their humanity revoked as neighbours stood idly by fearful that a fictional technicality would mean they were next,
The lawmakers presenting logics backed by shaky facts and figures exaggerated, plucked from the ether, as men do declaring the size of their ****.
I saw brother turn against brother for a non-existent belief in the greater good whilst all the while lining the pockets of the king and his wannabe greatest minds of our generation,
Their hate and anti-hate spewed onto the bonfires of vanities that is the home of the daily town square.
I saw the followers of Gods betray their philosophies and fellow worshippers predicated in the knowledge that all are Judas and only they have the true understanding of what God really meant,
Their esoteric knowledge not God given but used as defence for their power grabbing, humanity destroying acts executed with the upmost of callousness.
I saw him cry “How long before they banish my demons and pray the straightness into me making me a soldier of God and they as Christ?”
“No God of mine is full of spit and bile against fellow brothers and sisters who are who they are and proud to be so. I see through the flimsy guise trying to indoctrinate the public believing they are fools to be bent to their will.”
I saw the anguish and despair as the words fell on deaf ears, wanderers bypassing the truth unable to take up the challenge.
I saw the shameful and inferior minds of our generation, the ones they call the greatest, fellating each other’s egos armed with rhetorical daggers ready to be launched in the back,
Those smiling assassins destroying friends and colleagues all for the crown.
I saw lives slowly eroded, held ransom by the leaders of nations,
Grifters hawking the latest think tank theory of late night pub politics where patrons believe they have the answers to all life’s woes as seen through the beer goggles of rationality.
I saw humanity rise up, flex its collective muscles, refuse to back down, and slap the **** out of them,
Knocking great minds and kings back to the depths of hell or whichever cess pool they emerged from contradicting Darwin’s theory.

Barbed wired jibes of hate directed at something that you have no control over
No longer able to lacerate the heart with snides
Tongues of threats and promises of pain to come left hanging in the ether like impotent ***** in a brothel
You are lord of your imaginary universe and all who bow down are masters of your wisdom
A Machiavellian prince of modern times where fear is the order of the day
Your internet wisdoms preached as truths with no belief in any of their errors
Those heathens condemned to damnation and hell
How can the prince be wrong?
What he says is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help him God
The impudence of those enemies of the state refusing to listen to his majesty
Don’t they know who he is?

Read between the lies and you will see a sad and lonely, little boy dressed to represent modernity, chest puffed but a contemporary emperor in new clothes shaking with fear at rejection
Often and always deceived and flattered by algorithms of truth
A boy trying to find a place in the world as his silent knocks are left without reply
We are no longer listening
The rebels and their revolt are here
Ready to tear down his castles of hate and fortresses of intolerance
His rants and tantrums laughed at
Who is listening?
“No-one”, came the reply, “some people are just no good and the world has moved on”.
Your legacy of lies are no longer welcome.