Today,
one of my friends told me
'you look different.'

At first,
I didn't take note;
I was messed up and it's just one of those things;
I didn't have my glasses
and my hair looked different to how I usually style it.
'no,' she said, 'it's not that...'
but,
then I heard it again;
'you look different.'

I didn't know what else to say but;
'that's the second time I've heard that this morning! ha ha',
laughing off the funny coincidence.
I asked her what was different,
but she too couldn't say...

No one could tell me what it was,
but everyone I asked,
they all said it,
all of my closest friends
and someone I barely know anymore.

'you look different.'

and,
I was talking to my friend about it,
when I jokingly said;
'well maybe I'm just happier than usual! ha ha'
but she looked kinda sad.
My other friend said
'wait, relax your face',
so I did.
'yeah, that's it!'

'you look different.'

'no,' I thought 'you just aren't used to seeing me happy'

I don't need you
to want me
I only care
when I'm lonely

I don't need you to be
nice
let me give you
some advice

I don't care
if you need me
I only want
what I can't take

lay your hands
freely on me
feel there's nothing
left to break

I don't care
if you take me
I have nothing
left to give

just don't dare
try and make me
admit
I made a mistake

I don't want you
to want me
I don't need you
to care

just as long
as we're on me
and I get
to feel you stare

Today is better,
Than these days have been,
No longer cloudy minded.
I know I'm still hanging on to love,
I don't know if you are,
But thank you.
For speaking to me today,
I need you more than even I knew,
But I think I can come to terms,
With being good friends.

playing me so methodically
in every single way
i know it’s only seventh grade
but that doesn’t make it ok

i’ve been waiting for you
and i’d go to you right away
all you have to do is say when

you’ve thrown me on a roller coaster
loop after loop
when you wanted to race
i didn’t know all the things id be chasing

all my friends give advice
and i know i should listen
but i say it’s fine
even tho it isn’t

wish i could let go of the idea
that you’ll come to me eventually
and maybe you will

elliot
that stupidly beautiful name
constantly in my head
all i think about when i go to bed

it’s so messed up
that i let you get away with this
but one day
you’ll finally see me
as the perfect thing

but by then i’ll be happy with the man
that has always seen me for who i am
and you might even cry
a cry filled with the agony you put me through

and you’re gonna realize
you really fumbled
but what can you do

boys will be boys
they’re stupid and blind
and they only realize what’s good for them when it’s to late
and you’ll be to late

two years ago
we were at church camp
i told myself i forgive you
i told God that i forgive you

i thought that if i forgave you
the nightmares would stop
the triggers would cease
and that maybe a could see you as a person
and not the person who took everything from me

but that’s not what happened
it all got worse
the nightmares became real
i wake up screaming
begging for you to stop

i don’t forgive you
i never will
i hate you
with all of my being

they know what you did to me
and the know what it did to me
yet they allow you to bother me
they allow you to be in the same room
they allow you to be in society

if wishes were bullets
you’d be dead to me