do Orion and
the Pleiades
ever gaze at
you and me?
for we are what
they hope to be,
begot by stars,
a conscious sea,
and even pain
means we feel things

How did you love yourself today?
Did you take a moment to breathe?
To feel?
Did you notice the kiss of sun on your skin?
On your face?
Did you feel weight lift from your shoulders?
Did you push yourself out of bed at 0430 to make it to the gym? Or did you stay in and get the rest you needed?
Did you wake up and make pancakes and coffee and write postcards?
Or was it a day where you cannot feel the sun?
Where the weight was so heavy you have nothing left to feel?
Where even being outside does not lift your spirit?
It is on those days,
I would cry,
And beg for you,
To love yourself.
Those are the days it matters most.
To love yourself enough to be patient,
And wait for the next good day to arrive.
Because as painful as the wait is-
Eventually you’ll find yourself in the midst of feeling the sun kiss your soul again.  And it will hit you like a brick.
Maybe in that moment you’ll feel the rush of gratitude,
Of happiness,
Of what it might feel like to be balanced.
And you’ll have to fight to not fear it.  
You’ll have to fight tooth and nail to allow yourself to be okay.
Even for a day.
And then you chase it.
You chase the love you use to starve yourself of.
And maybe every day you’ll wonder
Why is it so hard? Why is this not an innate feeling? An innate gesture to love myself?
Why?
At the end of the day you may never know why, maybe you will and refuse to accept it.
But you’ll know you have to do try because if you don’t there wouldn’t be a you at all.
And one day, you’ll be back to being happy that you are here.

I got to bathe an elephant,
in Wyoming of all places.
It was not in a zoo
nor captive in any way.
No, this was a free and
autonomous individual,
an elephant all its own.

It rejoiced when I sprayed
it with the hose. The water
bubbled and frothed from
its trunk. It shook and blew,
smiled and stomped, as
the red desert dust ran down
its legs and pooled at its feet.

We experienced joy in
experiencing joy and became
weightless in our own levity.
Never have I felt such
loving gratitude, nor purity
of soul, as I felt emanating
from this great, sentient beast.

We played for hours in the water
and sun, laughing in the middle
of this little western town,
plain for anyone to see.
But when I smiled and looked
around, I had the strangest
feeling that nobody had noticed…
nobody, that is, but me.

Strangers on the the street,
just you, just me,
no longer us.
No longer two people holding hands,
who walked with the same gait,
but two people who are too scared
to even give the other eye contact
as they brush shoulders
on the way to their new lives.
But even though I can't will myself
to look you in the eye anymore,
I will always remember those four years
where I would smile at just the mere sight of you
and you would smile back,
where I would fantasize about our future together
as I spilled my heart out on the pages.
No, I will never forget,
but you did,
throwing those memories out on the curb
to be hauled away on trash day,
erasing me out of your life,
like I had never been there to begin with.
Time has sprinted by,
and I've moved on with someone new,
but I know my heart will never forget you,
and when her and I walk with the same gait
and just so happen to pass you by,
I will always want to look up,
because, deep down, I wish we were more
than just strangers on the street.

Take me to a field of flowers
and
confess your love to me.

With nature as our witness
and time as our officiant.

Hold me as the sweet scent
sways us
and the breeze
tells our story.

-M

A sunbeam is not bright enough
To match the glowing of my skin,
For when he looks at me and smiles
I radiate from deep within.

- p. winter