Anxiety rips me out of my sleep, a shock to my system like a bucket of ice water.
I open my eyes to see a demon hovering near the ceiling; fighting it will lead to my slaughter.

These demons cover the Earth like the oxygen we can't see.
One look into their eyes assures you several hours of misery.

I pull off my covers and step to the warm floor.
My teeth begin to chatter, sensitive to an elusive vibration that I've felt before.

Every muscle contracts; I notice the blinds are closed, yet a small beam of light still gets in.
They spy on us through the sunlight; it's hard to fight a battle that you know you can't win.

I quickly stumble to the kitchen to take my medication, hoping today's the day it starts working.
Tunnel vision increases the terror, knowing that the beast is somewhere close lurking.

I eat the fastest meal that I am able to find,
Then brush my teeth twice, because I always throw up after the first time.

I quickly get dressed; with my head down I walk toward the car.
Hyper-vigilant to something you cannot see, aware of the fact that I must appear to act bizarre.

Each day is like reliving a bleak dream, every 24 hours repeating exactly the same.
When the tension becomes too great I'm forced to distract myself with a different form of pain.

I get into my vehicle, driving to my monthly psychiatric appointment as fast as I can go.
The night before was a bad one; I took a hammer to the side my face to make the pain show

I walked into the building, trying to cover the side of my face that was black and blue.
I quickly sat down, noticing some of other patients could see the demons too.

Some people think we are terrified of other people, but that simply isn't true.
I'm terrified of the demon that is standing between me and you.

It only took a few months before this doctor stopped pretending to care.
It's always the same questions, just wanting my new medication so I could get the hell out of there,

So I can race home, splash some water on my face and take a deep breath,
Because that was only two hours and there's still twenty two left.

a dance is a poem
Gestured through
The body language
And its signs and symbols,
Expressed through
The dance,
The body movement
In the consonance
The rhythm of language

My dear, sweet boy
I've seen it all
from your first kicks
to your first kiss.

You might think right now
you know it all,
but I've seen more of you
than you ever knew.

A Mother knows her son
better than anyone ever could
because I gave you life
and help you shine your light.

Birds sing "I love you, love" the whole day through,
And not another song can they sing right;
But, singing done with, loving's done with quite,
The autumn sunders every twittering two.
And I'd not have love make too much ado
With sweet parades of fondness and delight,
Lest iterant wont should make caresses trite,
Love-names mere cuckoo ousters of the true.

Oh heart can hear heart's sense in senseless nought,
And heart that's sure of heart has little speech.
What shall it tell? The other knows its thought.
What shall one doubt or question or beseech
Who is assured and knows and, unbesought,
Possesses the dear trust that each gives each.

Painting is for pictures
too hard to understand
so let me paint you a picture
of a girl
who has a little too much to understand..

her heart was a two ton brick in her fist
that kept her pinned
to the exact spot on the ground
he wanted her to be in
when she's 12
and those 27 minutes felt like eternity,
clinging to her sanity

like the last molecule of burned up air in a gas chamber
she slept on cindered feathers
******* on the bones of her rotting body
holding back panicked breaths
like other kids hold stuffed animals
sinister smiling eyes
venom spit
splashed across her limbs

"You're so pretty.."
you're so pretty.
seeds of fear planted
in a daughter,
whose father,
didn't know,
she couldn't go any farther

the limbs of her body bare branched
creaking away from his whispered breaths
leaves burned up with the heat of guilt
hidden in the smoke are her pleading eyes
her roots ripped up and flung away
with the drop of his pants
gritting teeth sewn shut
with the bone needles of a broken bird
brittle body vibrating
against the pine tree that
looked "so pretty,"
two hours ago

two bodies
two lungs
pressed against the cage
that kept her soul contained
red and blue flashes
translate to blackness
and 6 years later
her sheets are still soaked
trembling with the sound of her own frozen voice
cracking
shattering

melting into puddles she tried to pick up
with ***** hands
and a ***** heart
dripping into the exact consistency
of the mud he left her in
fingernails full of his fingerprints
and the dew on the grass
came from her eyes
and the sheen off her body
clothing buried
and burned
smoking up to follow the bird
that unwillingly flew away

blacked painting hung up
on the pale bone frame
those 18 years and no one taught him a shred of decency
you'd think it should be inked into his humanity
but no.
she sings into the ashes
calling it back
lungs raw
throat black

she can't see his face
she can't know his name
she can't say that
she carved herself up like an animal
creating a scarred picture
everyone's seen before
but few have known
can't say that she breathes a storm
then pounds her body
until her tears turn red
and everything goes numb again
and she can finally believe for a second
your hands aren't his hands

If I knew her what could I say?
that there's something beautiful about skinned knees
and the fault lines in her eyes
and the way she scrubs her blood from the floor
and the fact that I can't stay quiet anymore
the flames my guilt fans
grow brighter when I think
that because I didn't speak
he could have gone on to ruin
another perfect thing
a perfect thing who's picture
looks a whole lot like mine.

If time exists in heaven,
Do you still rise with the sun?
Do you and Mom share breakfast
Before your day has begun?

Can the heavens hear your laughter
As you sit and reminisce
About the time we had together
And other people that you miss?

And Daddy, do you still take walks,
Along the heaven's seas?
And when you gaze upon the surf,
Do you remember walks with me?

Are your standing with those brave young men
Upon its perfect shores?
Finally by their sides again,
Your comrades from the war.

Do you gather with your family,
Beneath the heaven's glow?
And gaze upon those mountains still
That once you called your home.

Is music all around you,
All those songs you held so dear?
Do you and Mom still sing together,
The way you did when you were here?

Do you ever have long talks with God
About those left behind?
Do you tell him all the stories
Of all our grand and treasured times?

I think that heaven must be grateful,
To have you there each day,
To bring your easy laughter
And your silly sense of play.

And I'm sure that God already knows
The special Father you had been.
And how I wish that you were here,
To guide my way again.

But I carry you inside my heart.
You are never far from me.
I see you in my smile,
And in who I grew to be.

And I'm sure that on this Father's Day,
God will help you celebrate.
All those Dads who changed the world with love,
What a Party that will make!

She stood on the bridge
In silence and fear
For the demons of darkness
Had driven her here

They cut her heart
Right out of her chest
Making her believe
That the demons knew best

They were always there
Sometimes just out of sight
Waiting in the background
Till the time was right

These demons were destructive
Knocking down the life she knew
Hating everything about her
She hated herself too

These demons can't be seen
But they're far from fairy tales
They live inside your mind
Their evilness prevails

So on the bridge she stood
About to end the fight
Then she stopped and thought
I'll fight them one more night

Dealing with the dangers of life,
Each day alone through stress and strife
Pray to god to sort it out
Remembering what brought it about
Everyday in lives tough test
Securing a future neverthless
Seeing its secrets  and letting them go
In life itself and the world we know
Only thinking that maybe soemeday
Nice things will happen like peace we pray

Days of endless struggle.
More hopeful pills today,
Trying to appear "normal"
In some sort of way.

It seems that the struggle
Is always here with me,
And I wouldn't be here now
If guilt would leave me be.

I know there's been many
Who've had it worse than I,
But that doesn't always mean
That I wouldn't say good-bye.

People say I have a lot going for me.
I'm sorry, but I just can't see.
I can't see because my worst enemy
Is not my life but inside of me.

Always on a roller coaster,
Not much consistency.
I'm nothing if I'm not up or down.
I'm nothing if just "me."

Very little energy,
Wanting to stay in bed,
Wishing to be enthusiastic
Instead of feeling like I'm made of lead.

Wanting to be excited,
Wanting to care for more,
But when nothing makes sense,
It's hard to focus on the poor.

Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking.
It's hard to keep in touch
With what is happening around me
And not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me
And that I can't do anything right.
This is how I've felt my whole dang life;
It didn't just start last night.

No confidence, no self-esteem.
Everybody else is right.
To speak my mind is to be a fool,
So I just try to "sit tight."

Any one of these problems
Would be a heavy vice,
But when you have them ALL
Living seems like a roll of the dice.

It's never the right time
To say goodbye.
I will miss you, Dad,
And here is why.
You taught me so much:
To show no fear,
To always have fun,
And face the day with cheer.

You were always so able,  
So fast and so strong.
In your little girl's eyes
You could do no wrong.
You would always listen,  
And you never pried.
You were the arms around me  
When I cried.

You never looked for praises,
And you were never one to boast.
You were always there
For those you loved the most.

You worked so hard,
And those strong working hands
Led me through life  
And helped me understand
That life can be hard,  
And tough, and sad,
But through it all
I had my Dad.

And because of you,
I understood
That life was actually  
Pretty good.
I believe in you
And will follow your path,
And when things go wrong,
I'll look back and laugh.

I hope you can hear me  
So I can let you know
That you were and will forever
Be my superhero.
So yes, today  
I am full of sorrow,
But I will smile a little more  
With each tomorrow.

So please, Dad, go
Be at rest  
And know to me  
You were always the best.

I love you so much and miss you every day!

It's never the right time
To say goodbye.
I will miss you, Dad,
And here is why.
You taught me so much:
To show no fear,
To always have fun,
And face the day with cheer.

You were always so able,
So fast and so strong.
In your little girl's eyes
You could do no wrong.
You would always listen,
And you never pried.
You were the arms around me
When I cried.

You never looked for praises,
And you were never one to boast.
You were always there
For those you loved the most.

You worked so hard,
And those strong working hands
Led me through life
And helped me understand
That life can be hard,
And tough, and sad,
But through it all
I had my Dad.

And because of you,
I understood
That life was actually
Pretty good.
I believe in you
And will follow your path,
And when things go wrong,
I'll look back and laugh.

I hope you can hear me
So I can let you know
That you were and will forever
Be my superhero.
So yes, today
I am full of sorrow,
But I will smile a little more
With each tomorrow.

So please, Dad, go
Be at rest
And know to me
You were always the best.

The things you did to me
Took away what made me free.
I was a prisoner to you, locked in a chain.
You played me, like a puzzle piece in a game.
It keeps me awake at night
Because in my mind I wonder why?
How could you do this to me?
All this pain and misery
Your ugly soul brought upon me.
How do you live with yourself?
Knowing that you changed my life for me,
Took the things I never had.
I want and need it back so bad.
Our relationship started from something minor,
From there to something worse.
Things I thought I was imagining
Became a haunting and memorable curse.
Not only did you take my childhood,
You took my life.
Turned me around, and slit me with a knife.
I never thought this would happen to me,
But it did.
I'll never forget,
I'll never forgive.
And all this pain I went through
Was just because I trusted you.
You stole my voice,
I had NO choice.
You took advantage of me,
Took control of my whole body.
And yet I stand strong, to this day.
My hate for you will never fade.
The battle is over, it hasn't just begun.
Now it's the end...I'm the girl still standing..
I'M THE GIRL WHO WON!!

I'm sitting on the porch,
Wind blowing through my hair.
The ducks are frolicking in the pond,
But I just can't seem to care.

Life goes on around me.
I don't participate.
I go through all the motions,
But what I really do is wait.

I dream about the day
That you'll come home to me.
Nothing else is important.
Why can't people see?

I don't want to go out.
I don't want to have fun.
I don't want to do a thing
Until all is said and done.

They took you in the summer.
Now fall is almost finished.
Winter will be here very soon,
And then the year will have diminished.

You have no idea how much I cry.
I never let you know.
It's so hard out here without you,
But I'm not allowed to let it show.

I must pretend all is fine.
Everyone thinks all's okay,
But what I never ever tell them
Is that I cry for you every day.

I love you son
Like no one else
Only you and I
Verified love personified
Every single
Moment I'm with
You, I feel that love
Sensing you feel it too
Only a mother's love
Nourishes your soul

How could I be so lost
In a place I know so well?
How could I be so broken
In a family so together?
How could I be so lonely
Surrounded by so many?
How could I be so unhappy
Surrounded by so much beauty?
How could I be me
When even I remain a mystery?

Anger. Pain.
It's getting harder to hide
All the feelings I've built up inside.

It's hard to explain
Without being considered insane,
So I've kept to myself
Until I realized I need help.

Even the weekends seem to be a chore.
Putting a smile on my face as I walk out the door.

Wanting to run away,
But where can I go?
Around people or not, I still feel alone.

I cry all the time now.
I used to think I was strong.
Now it's a struggle just to hold on.

To make it through the day
Without an odd look my way
Or someone asking me if I'm okay.

But maybe it will do me good
To let someone help if they could.
Just one hug is all I need.
Just one person that cares is all I plead.

And then I might get through another day
Of waiting for my anger and pain to fade away.

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

love is not
love...
love is ***...!
love is not
love
love is money
love is not
love
love is a dream
love is not
love
love is states
love is not
love
love is sin

My love for you is like the raging sea,
So powerful and deep it will forever be.
Through storm, wind, and heavy rain,
It will withstand every pain.
Our hearts are so pure and love so sweet.
I love you more with every heartbeat!

Have you seen my Daddy?
I don't know where he's gone.
Sometimes it hurts so much
I can't seem to carry on.
    
I hear he doesn't look quite the same.
He doesn't need much rest.
The IV and medications are all gone;
In fact, he looks his best.
    
Is he playing tag with his parents
In that place way up high?
Or is he napping in God's garden
Where the beautiful in hammocks lie?
    
Some say he is always watching.
I hope this to be true
And that one day he'll return to me
And say, "I've come for you."
    
Have you seen my Daddy?
I imagine he's doing okay,
Though it hurts to know
I can't call him every day.
    
I really miss my Daddy.
I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
It will never be the same.
Years from now, I know I'll cry.
    
I bet God is with my Daddy,
Wrapped up in His arms,
Sheltered from all illness and sorrow,
Keeping him from harm.
    
I bet he sees us mourning
But would want us to smile
And tell us our time part
Is only a little while
    
I'll never quite understand
Why your time here was so small,
But you said you'll always be there
To catch me when I fall.
    
I miss you so much, Daddy,
But I hope and pray
That when it's my time, you'll come for me.
I'll see you again someday.
    
I guess it was meant to be
That your work here on Earth was done.
Now your life in paradise
Has only just begun.
    
Tears that I weep and prayers
Will hopefully travel very far
To reach my loving daddy
Sitting among the stars.

You brushed my hair and tucked me in,
Made me laugh for hours on end.
You kissed my boo-boos when I fooled around.
Mommy, you never let me down.

You held my hand as I got my shots
Then took me for ice cream that hit the spot.
You bought me Polly Pockets and Barbies, too.
Mommy, there's no one quite like you.

You held my hand as I walked through the door,
Then you met my teacher as I stared at the floor.
You told me it'd be fun and I'd make friends too,
And for that reason, Mommy, I love you.

You listened to me talk about the drama and boys
Then taught me how to handle it with class and poise.
You spoke with wisdom and of things you know.
You love to hear me say, "Mommy, you told me so."

You love the Lord with all you heart,
And you're kind and gentle and pretty and smart.
If I could be anyone, I'd pick you,
'Cause, Mommy, the world would be better with two of you.

You've taught me so much, with more in store,
And with each day that passes, I love you more

You are the reason,
I totally melt inside.
I pinch myself,
just knowing that you're mine.
Though every season,
so many ways you let me know;
there are many reasons;
that you make me glow.
You are the reason,
my heart joyously sings
Baby you are;
more than the real thing.
You are my friend,
my lover,and my life
You are the reason,
my life feels so right

A woman whom I love...
Waits outside my bedroom door.
A woman whom I care for...
Is there when I am hurt, sad, or mad.
A woman whom I appreciate...
Honors me for the person I am inside.
A woman whom I fear...
Pushes and pushes if only for the better.
A woman who is thoughtful...
Thinks of others before she thinks of herself.
This woman is My Mom...
She cries when I cry...
She's mad when I'm mad...
She's hurt when I'm hurt...
And...
She's sad when I'm sad.
This woman is My Mom.

I promise to always lift you up
When you are feeling down.
I promise to wipe your tears
When you feel you need to cry.
I promise to keep you smiling
To show off that beautiful smile you have.
I promise to be your strength
Whenever you fall weak.
I promise to be your voice
When you can't find the words.
I promise to be your eyes
When you cannot see.
I promise to be your ears
When you cannot hear.
I promise to always tell you what's real
When you want to hear the truth.
I promise to be your dream catcher
To chase away your every fear.
I promise to be your smile
When you're frowning.
I promise to always cheer you up
When you are down and blue.
I promise to give you faith
When you are feeling insecure.
I promise to keep you sturdy
When you are feeling unsafe.
I promise to listen
When you need to talk.
I promise to tell you no lies,
Just what is true.
I promise to always lend you my shoulder
For when you need to cry.
I promise to always hold you
When you need someone.
I promise to always care for you.
Wherever you are, I promise to always be there.
I promise to never hurt you and never break your heart.
I can't promise you the world.
I can't promise you the sky.
I can't promise you that we will never fight.
I can't promise you that I will never cry,
But I can promise you that I will always be true to you,
And baby, I promise that I will always love you more than anything
With all my heart.
No matter what happens or what we go through.
I'll love you until the end of time!
I'll be your guardian angel.
That's my promise to you!

they look in the bowl
it is dark and and quiet
one stand alone
a poo is present
it glistens in the toilet water
the brown feels soft on my skin
'I didn't eat any corn'
I spoke to the poo within.

the night has a thousand eyes,
and the day but one;
yet the light of the bright world dies
with dying sun.

the mind has a thousand eyes,
and the heart but one;
yet the light of a whole life dies
when love is done.

Here on my arm lies a mark that I made.
When I was so low, I cut with a blade
To punish my body for being a mess,
Though here is my testament, I must confess...

That seeing these scars left on my arms, legs, and chest
Makes me realize I was in a place of no rest;
I feel guilty inside for leaving this token.
Now I will see and remember that I was so broken.

But seeing these scars helps me see
That I survived so much trauma and now I am free.
So I ask you now to stand with me and fight,
To show all these demons what they're doing is not right.

You won the battle of good versus bad.
You are still alive and are no longer sad.
Here on my arm lies a mark of survival.
I got through my hate and beat my self-rival

Thank you
For loving me true
For being no one but you
For holding my hand
And helping me stand

Thank you
For never giving up
And never getting stuck
In the dark times
Where only love shines

Thank you
For the kind letters
That make me feel better
For putting up with me
And loving what you see

Thank you
Now and forever
Remember, I'll never
Stop loving you
What I say is true;
I mean it from my heart
Even when it's dark
I love you
THANK YOU

dance little baby, dance up high,
never mind baby, mother is by;
crow and caper, caper and crow,
there little baby, there you go;
up to the ceiling down to the ground,
backwards and fowards,round and round
dance little baby and mother shall sing
with the merry coral ding ding ding