when i told you the only thing i could keep down was chocolate milk,
you said get over it

when i said i hated eating
you said "well you can't be anorexic because you aren't 'gross skinny'"

when i tell you these things it is a cry for help
please hear me

today i was reading my sociology textbook
and listening to a spotify station from a song that already had memories associated with someone i care about who left me
then
an even more relatable song came on
and i spiraled
hard
i thought about ending it again
i went to a friends dorm so i wouldn't be alone
but i left and spiraled again
i hope i can sleep before 2 am
whenever i have an exam in the morning something bad happens the night before

do you know what really ******* hurts?
he used to cry to me
and i had to tell him i couldn't see him anymore
because i can't trust him anymore
and i can't keep letting people back in who have broken me so badly
after promising that they would be the ones to fix me
isn't that ******?
that i have to hurt someone to fix myself?
even though it hurts so bad telling that person that i can't see them

"we can't even be in the same room"
Cuz I’ll make myself feel all of this
If it’s all that I got left of you"

i ******* miss you so much Caleb
and i hear all of our friends rave about how much they love you
and all it does is shatter me over and over
you aren't a bad guy
it is just an unfortunate situation
and even worse timing
i'm sorry i can't be there for you anymore
i hope it doesn't hurt too bad
i hope you understand
i hope you can forgive me
please stop loving me so i can stop loving you
if that's even possible
i don't think i'll ever stop loving you
but then i wonder if i ever loved you as more than just friends
and that hurts even worse
i had the chance to make you mine
and now i don't even have you in my life

i hope she is good to you
you deserve the world
one day you will be happy
i have to believe that
i have to believe you will be okay without me
because i am trying to be okay without you
i have to be okay without you
i have to be okay some day
i just have to be
i miss the old me and i am desperately trying to get her back
i will love myself again one day

i hate explaining what my depression feels like to other people
because i know they are trying to understand
but how do you explain something that you barely understand
that would be like asking a toddler to teach a calculus class

so here is my attempt at explaining my depression

i have good days and bad days
the good days are a lazy person's normal days
today was a good day
i did my hair and makeup
i went to all three of my classes
i ate lunch
i washed my dishes
i went to therapy
i took a nap
i watched youtube
i went to a friends to watch a movie
i ordered pizza
i did homework
i told myself good job after every single one of these things
i told myself i was proud and that i was doing amazing and that it is ok that everything is hard
but everyday i wake up is a step in the right direction
but not all days are good days
yesterday was a bad day
i got up late
went to class
then laid in bed from 9 until my friend came to my room and forced me to eat lunch at 2
then i got back in bed until he came back at 6 and held me while i cried
but bad days don't always look like that
sometimes a bad day is me starting at my bottle of pills and crying while my roomate is asleep

you called me at 3am
i'm guessing you just wanted to keep it light because that is who you are
but
we ended up talking about life
primarily my life
how my mind tells me to die
yet my body fights to live
I'm sorry the conversation ended up there
but it always does with me
because that is who I am
I am not defined by my mental illness but it has made me who I am
I hope you can love me for every part of me
because others have tried and left
i don't want you to leave too

when social media was created everyone said it would be great

that it would help people connect so much more

but honestly i feel more disconnected than ever

yeah i met a guy on tinder

i really like him

but

you can't really get to know someone just by texting them

today is just about hookups

but i want connection

is that so much to ask for?

you now that gut-wrenching, soul leaving your body, existence being shattered type of pain?
the pain that keeps you up at night no matter how fully and totally exhausted you are?
when you're body is just screaming for some rest.
rest that it hasn't gotten in 4 years.
because you can not shut off your mind
so you start drinking and smoking, thinking it will make it better.
but nothing makes it better.
in fact, everything you try seems to only make it worse.
and you just want to be done.
you think that the only way you can possibly find rest is in death.
you think about dying all the time.
your therapist makes you fill out a form every time you see her.
the question that always gets you is "What is your risk of suicide?"
I always put low, but if i'm being honest, it is high.
I should be in an institution because everyday i think "taking all my pills wouldn't be that bad"
every day i just want to collapse and cry until i don't wake up.
you know that crying in movies?
the seemingly overdramatic crying where the girl is sitting in her car and screaming?
that. that is what it feels like in my head all the time.
i struggle to cry because if someone hears me, i'm afraid they would call the cops
it is the kind of screaming you were hear when someone's heart is ripped from their chest
the screaming of someone so broken that it is the only thing that can make them feel again

when people ask what depression is like, what do you say?

because i am struggling with how to tell someone i feel nothing and everything all the time. that one minute i feel on top of the world and the next i want the world to swallow me whole. how do you tell someone you think about killing yourself everyday but that they shouldn't worry because if you haven't done it the last 300 times you thought about it, you won't do it today. how do you tell someone that you're sad but that some days your sad is a cry for help, and others it is just your reality. how do you tell someone that laying in bed all day feels like too much work. how do you explain to a happy person that you have to tell yourself good job for brushing your teeth. how do you tell your mother that her little girl has thought about suicide more times than she can count. how do you shatter your mothers world on your bad day and then tell her you are ok on your good day? how do you explain the difference between bad and good days?

how do you tell someone that you don't like that you cry every day but you don't know how to not. that you aren't happy that you're sad, but you're happy that it helped you grow to be stronger. because i am stronger, right? or maybe i just tell myself that because it helps? no. i am strong. i'm strong because i didn't crash my car into the tree going 100 like i planned to. i'm strong because i didn't swallow all of my pills like i planned to. i'm strong because i got up this morning. i'm strong because i am alive. i am strong because i am writing this.


- you are strong for breathing and i love you