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Your smile reminds me of the sun.
It brightens my life

Your laughter it's like music to my ears. It makes me forget all my problems

Your eyes blue as the ocean the waves of emotion that I feel are overwhelming

But when I am alone.
I think about you non-stop and the life I dream about us together.

Only thinking if you saw this you would think only less of me.

So I eat myself from the inside watching you from the outside

Seeing you happy, smiling, laughing


I see you like that music
I see you like that food
I see you like those clothes
I see you I know you,
But you don't even know my name
My best one yet
After years of tears
Posing as pointless pity
Dug despair a grave
Written 3-9-23
 Nov 9 CJ Sutherland
n


i guess ive always had a thing for fire
standing too close -
letting the smoke suffocate me,
the smell latch onto me.
i know i might burn,
but it’s where i want to be -

ignited by all of this desire inside of me
more gas,
more flames
I should be happy
to celebrate
count down the days for their happiness

I should be happy
to enjoy their company
to embrace their warmth

but I don't want to see them
not because I don't like them
but for the pain I have

the knife in my gut twisting with every smile
with every side glance
every small loving smile
I hold it together from snapping

from crying out in agony
from screaming at the unfairness of it all

Because how can I tell them
that the love they have
the love that will last
the love I tried to explain

I was yelled at by a 21 year old upon our first interaction
and venom over child games
left deep cuts that scared

And the love they have
the love I see on them

I once held so delicately

so while they get to celebrate
and enjoy a wonderful night
and work every day to be better

I will be on my own
with the empty hands covered in scars
still hoping that something will happen

still hoping a miracle could happen
while I sit and see the name in stone
I wear it so nice
the smiles so genuine
the laughs so warm

yet behind the closed doors
music blaring in my ears
drowning my own thoughts

Only then can I be me
but from wearing the mask so long
I
collapse
 Nov 9 CJ Sutherland
Wary
I recall the day I first saw you, amid the frigid depths of winter, as I sought even a trace of warmth from the sun. My gaze found that warmth in you. When you drew near, you stunned me, clasping my cold hands in yours, imbuing them with warmth. I remember, too, the day I waited in that same chill for one final glimpse of you—only to be left, forsaken, my hands still cold, yearning for the warmth you once brought.
I recall our first encounter, I waited in that same frost, hoping for a final glimpse
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