I cried today
Because I realized that I
no longer expect you
to walk through the door.

I don't look at the corner
of the back yard
expecting to see you there
working on something.

I don't plan our dinners
based on your favorite foods
or worry over when the food
hits the table.

We eat when we eat
We eat whatever
It really no longer matters
You were the picky one.

I cried today
Because I realized
something that broke my heart....
I'm used to you being gone.

There was pain and self-destruction
a medicated nightmare of misunderstandings
doctors demanding that I be sedated
because they hated
my child hyperactivity
my playful disposition
and questioning nature
my poor nutrition
and the affects of a mother’s violent behavior
so at eighteen they put me on Paxil
drugged me up and I didn’t sleep
for almost a whole week
which made me suicidal
lessened the chance of
my overall survival
I spent a week in a hospital
a month or two in a group home.
Then less than ten year later
they gave my brother
the same medicine
and those drugs
nearly did him in
they sent him
to the same hospital
not ever asking if
the prescription
caused this ****

your love was just like
the soft summer rain
warm wet and slippery
so elusive to my touch
but you quenched me so
when you finally came
and I wanted you so much

until you left me
in the desert
dying in the heat
an for a moment
I thought
wait
his water can't be beat

until I learned
to draw from
my own well that is.

Ma Cherie © 2017

I'm learning to respect my strength
I used to be spiteful of it
As a woman, I am expected to be feminine, distressed, graceful, always right
I am not sure how it came to be but I have not respected the order of things
I have not seen that in this spiteful way I have regarded my willfulness
It has also become my saving grace in times of malcontent
My truth is clear
I am not strong because I am
I am strong because I was made by strong stuff
My mother stubborn, smart, sensual
My father intellect, humor, heart
God
I am not credited for anything that I am
But I am graced with the empowerment of women
That would not be difficult today
I cannot stop fighting even if it's easily given
Because it is a battle not a gift