i feel too much
of everything

i can feel the sadness in voices
i can feel the pain in the wounds

i am engulfed by auras
energies
every tear every touch
overwhelms

i am too much of everyone
everything
with no space or room
for myself

i become smaller and smaller
the older i get
i feel too much

tonight i am quiet

my heart is quiet
my spirit is quiet
my mind is quiet

i am empty
spilled over like broken glass

there is nothing here

no more tears
no more hurt

tonight i am quiet

emotionless
faintly existing

quiet

i would rather be in tears
than be quiet

i was sitting in the living room
with my cat, mindlessly watching tv

when a bird crashed into my window
at first i didn’t know what the sound was
until i walked over and saw a small bird
bleeding from its beak, struggling to breathe

i panicked, and started to cry
i didn’t want it to die
but i didn’t know if i could save it

in a minute, i searched online
through a few pages what to do
if it was possible
how to hold it
where to put it

i kept crying

i grabbed a few cloths from a drawer
a large stove ***

i went outside
the bird opening and closing his beak
struggling to breathe
or trying to call for help
without any sound

i grabbed him from his sides
and put him into the large ***
full of cloth
i made sure he was still upright
still responsive

i kept crying
but i told him he’d be alright

other birds in the trees cried out

i went inside
to grab another cloth
but when i returned he had rolled around
onto his back
and died

i pet the soft fur on his breast
felt it go cold

i started sobbing uncontrollably

my brother came home
found me kneeled overe, in tears
he yelled “it’s just a bird! throw it away!”
“what an idiot.”

i couldn’t stop crying

my mother came home
said “oh poor thing” to me
and to the bird

with an ice cream scoop
i dug at the dirt in the yard
wide enough, deep enough
for my little bird

i buried it amongst colorful leaves
encircled it with pebbles
and said a prayer

then i went upstairs
and cried myself to sleep

no podía comer por días
mi hambre desapareció
cuando tus ojos me despidieron

hay un desierto en mi estómago
vacío
lleno de aire
aire que me ahoga
no me deja hablar
no me deja comer

en la mañana me hice un pan
pan tostado
cafe con leche

me sente en la mesa
la luz cayendo sobre mí
en mis ojos, en mis manos

toque el vaso
estaba caliente
pero no sentía nada

el sol no entraba a mi piel
el calor de la taza tampoco

pálida, llena de aire
respirando

la sangre en mis venas se hizo aire
mi corazón, aire
las manos que antes te tocaban, aire

no se si existo

no se si algun día
la sangre de mis venas regresará

no se si alguna día
el fuego de mi alma, de mi corazón
aderá

quizás un día si
un fuego más grande
más poderoso
ardiendo para mi sola
y nadie más

nacido de las cenizas
como la primera semilla de la primavera

renacido como el ave
quemando, intocable

una nueva vida
sin ti
una nueva vida
por mi

a quiet room
a million voices

the music stops

my mind races

sharp metal blades
glistening and clanging
dancing in my head

cars, passing by
one two three four
hues of red and white
dancing in my head

fragile and coarse
the fibers of a rope
dancing in my head

a beautiful view
a skyline shining bright
glimmering and gleaming
dancing in my head

what if
what if

the dance never ends

one time a boy told me he liked my straight hair better
i told him but that's not my natural hair
i felt insulted

and he said "what are you talking about?"
"i'm complimenting you"

i brushed it off
put the thought away

but as i stare in my reflection
as i touch the coarse, thick curls
my mother and father bestowed upon on me
passed down from generations
of mexican ancestry

i felt the hurt
i felt the words in my head
"maybe if your hair was straighter
lighter
maybe if your skin was lighter
maybe if your nose was smaller
and pointed"
maybe then i would be the perfect
version of myself

but as i began to notice
flowers sprouting in the women around me
loving, appreciating their thick untamable manes
my mind began to flourish
away from the deception
i had been told my whole life
a bold lie
that changed the perception of myself
that made me scrub my skin in attempt to make it lighter
a lie, so discreet and so subtle
that my self esteem descended to nothing
when looking at the natural reflection of my skin, my hair, my eyes, my hands

as a child
as a teenager
i believed the lie

but as a young woman now
i can tell you
it's deception, oppression
to keep woman of color
at inferiority to the european white

embrace your curls
embrace your melanin
embrace your wide set hips
embrace all the things you were once told to hide

i will be who i was born to be
and i don't need anyone's opinion
on how my hair looks

this is who i am
a mexican daughter
wise enough to recognize
the strength and beauty in our differences

fragile as a leaf
porcelain skin

press unto me
and i will bleed

my figure on the horizon
pleading for a sunset to
paint my skies milky white