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I may smile on the outside
But it's all one big lie.
I'm dying inside
Tearing at my akin
Just so I can feel, even for a second.
You tell me I look fine
But little do you know
That I'm one step off the edge...
Teetering...
Waiting for a reason to stay.
You say I look happy
But I'm not.
I starve to feel worthy,
I cut to feel alive.
I think of suicide as a way of ending this pain.
I don't want to die
But I no longer want to hurt.
So what's that...
I look fine?
Little do you know behind my smile
Lies a thousand little secrets
 Sep 2015 Tomas Denson
susan
i miss the gentle hugs
   and eyes offering reassurance

i miss
   the comfort of a cozy chair
with room enough for two
    and the smell of food
being cooked

i miss the closing of doors
   and the snoring at night
closing my eyes and craving sleep
   then secretly smiling
when you turn over with a poke

i miss the shower going on at 5 am
and the door closing at 6

i miss your corny jokes
and the smell of you after a hard day at work

i miss your calm when i was angry
   and your common sense
when the world seemed senseless

i miss the beat of my heart
   when i'd think of you
and the sense of peace i felt
   when i heard you come through the door

but what i don't miss

is the nagging pang in my gut
   and the knowing in my heart
that you weren't coming home

i don't miss the crying episodes
   and the disappointment
after broken promises

i don't miss having to share you
   with many
and offering explanations
   to why i haven't left

i don't miss
   the humiliations
      the aloneness
         the lies
and the cheating

i don't miss
your breast pounding
to prove you're a man
   and the negligence i came to expect
the late night phone calls
   from women i'd never met
but who knew intimate details
   of the life we'd shared

there's so much i miss
   but so much more i don't

but in my mind
i still hug and smile at
that young boy
i fell in love with
so, so many years ago.
The chaos can come and stay for days,
Leaving you searching for yourself like a rat in a maze.

But don't pass the torch that burns the bridge,
That hate will leave you standing alone out on the ridge.

Every day someone will go out of their way.
Kick you around, see if your down for their game to play.

But the spirit is mighty and you control your own destiny.
Tell the soul, those demons don't have to get the best of me.

At a glimpse it may seem like you never had a chance,
But hang on long enough and you'll see yourself doing your happy dance.
 Sep 2015 Tomas Denson
ahmo
faking
 Sep 2015 Tomas Denson
ahmo
alone.
I have no semblance of home.

There is nothing in
thickets
that covers
my disfiguration of a disposition.

I will lie
against the grain
and fight
for feigned love.

Nothing loves me
and I love nothing.

I am filing cabinets
infinitely.

I am faking smiles
ardently.

When the end comes
there will be teeth
separated from lips
genuinely.
 Sep 2015 Tomas Denson
GaryFairy
we can't erase what is already on a canvas
but we can always paint over it
it seems as though someone is passing around info about me getting in trouble with the law over seven years ago. i am not proud of it, but i own my actions. i paid my debt by serving six months in jail, as well as taking a good beating for it. the past paints the future, and experiences change our lives. i am a different person now, and i can't dwell on the past. if others want to, that's fine.
You promised to love me
and forever we would be.
I fell for your lustful lies
and got lost in your green eyes.
I was just another body to touch
and of me you didn't think much.
Now you're kissing someone new
and I'm still stuck missing you.
I drink to numb the pain
of falling victim to your game.
A hangover after drinking cannot heal,
yet hurts less than the heartbreak I feel.
he promised to never leave...
In the brief day, or rather, the night
called Life,
dream how easily a speck may be distanced from itself;
and how hard also it is
to remove that same grain
from your proud eye.
Look at the lightning over the green corn
and learn the virile meaning of our lack of power
under the traveling stars.
Turn on the lights silver-electric
to see in what dark rooms you have dwelt,
yet tried to be happy.
Open and close your eyes
and feel the weird proximity of doll-like death.
Talk to the moth
and trot the eternal wheel of boredom,
tolerated by a life that cannot wait
to immolate itself on a fuel lighter
for love of the gamble.
Come near the heartbeat of an animal
and touch your own heart
to take the pulse of the planets
and experience the split-second hypocrisy of love.
Unwrinkle your bones with deep calm
and purest feeling, unfurling your reddish hair,
and you will bare your heart in all your poems.
Pity the mania of poetry
and the helplessness of its wisdom
to hope or heal or even to dare
to come down from its own shiny cross.
In spite of all,
extinguish any light at its source
and you will work in vain
to prevent its survival
in some remembering soul.
 Sep 2015 Tomas Denson
Liv D
it begins
slowly at first
a light mist
it comes down harder and faster
i am skipping and leaping
twirling
my feet light as air
skimming over the ground
air whooshing by me
small flecks of coolness
sliding downward
creating trails of tears
soaking in all the joy of
dancing in the rain.
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