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Oh Apr 2020
A broken heart beat is all that keeps me
Keeps me in my flawed thoughts
I cannot handle any of it any longer
Decide my time is up, but I seem to say that a lot
Stuck in this loop of deciding to leave but never being able to step outside of my mind and into the unknown
Decide to stay, but not because the flawed parts of me are gone
Stuck in a scary middle between desperately longing to wake up dead and not being able to bring myself to do what I’ve wanted to for so long
Decide to stay in a world I will always want to leave
For years of my life I’ve wanted to leave this world but I never have been able to go through with it. This brings me so much more suffering, knowing I’m unable to control my death even when I want to so badly.
Oh Nov 2019
My heartbeat is off
It’s doing what it’s supposed to, beating
Just not for you, the skip is gone
I know I’m okay, I’m alive
But I miss that skip I get when I’m with you
I have to accept the staggered, hurt, heartbeat
My heart was beating for you, not anymore
Relationships are hard, sometimes you were willing to do more for them than they ever would for you.
Oh Nov 2019
Everything touched by me turns to a cold black abyss
I am red with a fiery passion which brings me no joy
Watch the colors dance around my silhouette
They tease the sadness that surrounds me
Elaborate designs branch from this darkness
Who I am provides a seemingly endless stream of despair
And yet I can view the beautiful sights that come from this nothingness
It almost seems as though I can feel the warm vibrant memories
But I’ll never experience what it’s like away from the heavy space
Let me patiently wait for the end of me and this affliction
Make its way through my body and tighten like a snake
Oh Nov 2019
Love is messy, not what they make it out to be
I carry the pain from this love, it doesn’t disappear like they say
This love is reckless, maybe even toxic
It’s a high I’ve learned to depend on
It puts damage to my thoughts, drains me of every last drop
Something I can’t abandon when I see the happy days
Love is messy, will it ever be as happy as it seems
Oh Nov 2019
There’s an ache in my soul that I can’t shake out
It sends cries through my body that make me double over in agony
There’s an ache in my heart beating me down
It makes me destroy myself from the inside out
There’s an ache in my soul that must be slashed out of my body and I think it might just **** me
It feels like I’m at a constant battle with myself. Almost 2 a.m. and I’ve been fighting all night to keep myself here.
Oh Nov 2019
I like to imagine that you love me
Find home in my eyes
Happiness in my smile, knowing you caused it
Won’t you think of me fondly, please?
If only I were lovable and you were capable of such a thing
Am I as lovable as I think or do I deserve lonely centuries
Oh Nov 2019
Woke up crying asking yourself why you can’t just be happy
I hate you for the sappy disappointment you let yourself become
Maybe it’s time you changed for the better
Tired of you blaming it on bad weather
Everything wrong in your life is linked back to you
So just ******* get over it already
Don’t say you’re sorry when there’s no change made
Who cares if you’re trying your best
Why can’t you see that I don’t care about behind the scenes
You have no reason to stay when you’re being such a pain
From my experiences in life lately. How I believe other people view me and my actions. When I think I’m doing better, but others don’t see it. It’s been a rough life.
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