i remember being scared that my father would discover i cut myself.
i remember the day that he did.
trying to cram the screaming baby into his highchair dad saw the mark on my arm and i told him
it was from a marker
he demanded to see it again
and so dad found out that sometimes praying isn't enough.

i don't remember being afraid that dad would find out about the things moose did to me
...i guess i can't say that
i guess i have to say the things we did together
(but i will always lay the blame at his feet
for beginning things
that first night.)
even now, i am not afraid
even now when i truly believe that dad knows what happened
even now when dad gently pats me before he goes up to bed
and says don't forget
to
repent
i am not afraid.
i am ashamed.

if i could use
the stars to show my
love for you,
the entire night sky
would not be vast enough
of a canvas.

I always start with a bang
Watching the fireworks display

And the one person I speak to
At exactly midnight
Is the one I least wanna lose

Some mind altering substance
Is usually tradition
Along with watching the ball drop

When it finally stops
I get my chance to restart

This year starts
With a broken heart
A broken home

And a soul left
All alone

And instead of kissing
To start the year off right

I'm left wishing
And a simple "goodnight"

Is it wrong that I want him to myself? That I want to lock him in a caged like a rare bird that can fly as high as he wants to? I want him to only be mine. If it was up to me he would never leave my side because I love him. I won't let anyone touch him but me. He will never see the outside world unless I want him to. Hes so kind and warm hearted, lovable, friendly. As soon as I found him I knew what I was in for. I want him to see only me. I don't want anyone's paws to touch this delicate creature...

I hope one day it will fade
Like the breath or smudged finger print
on a freezing window on a car
that’s driving a little too fast

I hope that one day you find her

Whether that’s me or she or we
never speak again,

at least I know you’re happy

I hope you remember

I hope my eyes are burned into your membranes and every night 

when you fall asleep you see a flash of blue
and feel a sting of red

I hope I am the forget me not and the remember me always

I’ve always been the stranger flower in the garden,

but you loved that

I hope you love yourself

like I loved you

Fully, compassionately, with a loss of all fear—

soaring on the wings 
of child-like faith

I loved you like I loved Santa, 

the tooth fairy and 

the Easter bunny—

I loved you like
I knew 
you weren’t real

I loved you like
I knew 
you couldn’t stay—


But love yourself in a new way
Love yourself within the steely
strength of a thousand straight backbones

A thousand concrete cubes

A thousand “I love you”s
You were my first kiss 

of the old year 

and my last poem 

of the new

please tell me 
I
didn’t waste my new words

on you.