Apathy is dripping from all our lips
As we **** on this universal life force
And ignore each other
The air resting around us
Like stale breath
Is quiet and dying around us

My eyes are so heavy
They no longer see past what’s in front of me
When I see leaves, I only see leaves
When I see laughter, I don’t see behind it tears
I’m hiding underneath layers of skin
Within me is a soul wrapped up in a body
Feels trapped

I am the only key out of this apathy
But it’s like nothing can wake me from this deep slumber
My heart is sinking
There’s an anchor pulling me down
And a storm brewing in my eyes
When I speak I spit saltwater

Some days my imagination runs wild in forests and galaxies
And other days my mind can’t walk past the sidewalk at my feet or the covers on my bed
So many spiritual walls up barring me from taking care of myself
How can I let anyone else in?

She always thinks there’s a problem with me and my head
Everytime I tell her the dark clouds over my head
She seems to think that sometimes they forever disappear
And when I can push them away for a while
She reminds me that they’re there
I can’t tell her how to fix me
Even though she so badly wants to

Nobody wants to be with me
but neither do I

Any sign of love and care and I reject it
Violence and pain is the only thing that feels right
*** and drugs, alcohol and pain…. Those images in my head make me happier than anything else

I know how crazy it is that I believe that, but I’m just so lost
Nothing feels interesting
I don’t want to be any person, but me
But I don’t feel like myself at all
I feel so stranded from reality
So disassociated from life itself
I feel like I’m on a thin string hanging upside down
All the blood is rushing to my head

Everything is outside my door
But if I leave I have to wake up and move
And that’s too hard to do sometimes

I get so angry
Whenever I decide not to leave my room
When I don’t move
The demons in me wake up and dance
And I feel worse
Because I make the house shake
And hearts ache

I secretly wish she would come to my room
And say sorry for earlier
But I wouldn’t be there
This room isn’t mine right now
It’s invaded by germs
By bacteria
Infected with negative ions
I am defracting all light
Staring into a flat screen all day
Wishing my life away

The only thing I can understand is this depression
This obsession with sadness
This veiled madness
Writing doesn’t even stop the pain

Pale-faced and numb, i lay in bed tossing and turning through the hours
Sheets and blankets flung around
anger and guilt twisted around mixed in with blood rushing through body not reaching head
blinds are closed and little light is let into the room
the dog lays next to me
the laziness echoes throughout the house on a workless Tuesday
and my soul is out
gone fishing
there are many things to do palces to go
only if I had someone to go with
only if there were enough hours in the day to rewrite or revive the life im living
breathe some spirit into
this metiocracy
this routine
the cheese grater questions
the cheese grater conversations
that peel my skin off by the layer
the howl that I hear in a distant forest, country, school, classroom,
a long gone excitement and looking forward towards something great
a long list of withered hellos and goodbyes
a long list of dullness
boredom
and painfully tired moments
painful haunting blandness
living in the past, in the bed of my own bad decisions
the harvest I have planted, sown, and watered
the reaping is not what I wanted
the harvest is gross and wiltered
the fruit is not juicy
this heavy sensation of wrong
wrong directions
turns
and paths
led me to this point
and you’re supposed to know that sooner or later there will be other paths
opportunities
you just have to see them, find them, care enough
emptiness has invaded the space where curiosity used to bloom
and maybe happiness flies down like a bird sometimes and sings in the cage that is my heart
but her feathers don’t get too comfortable
and away she flies into the lonely night
leaving me nothing but the stars that paint the sky
the colors of my fingertips paint everything blue
and the patterns that fall out of my mouth come out like abc blocks
too structured and sharp
cutting my own mouth
my words taste like quiet
and feet could take me anywhere on a summer day
but they prefer mattresses with blankets and sheets
and it seems like I prefer sadness

Sadness sits in cheeks that knew nothing but happiness
Smiles too wide for this world
Arms too big, too much love and judgment but it scared away the demons
The dementors finally found my heart
And plumped my body with rage
Against myself I waged a war
And eventually
No one won
Everyone went home injured
And my eyes were scared with knowing
That things can’t be and will never be perfect
I trained myself to find imperfections
And reasons to be afraid
So I would never be too happy
Too up in the air
Judged myself so much that I didn't realize that you could be happy and aware at the same time
someone I used to be friends with
named optimism
told me
that awareness wasn't supposed to drag you deep down into the depths of the underground
My happiness was also stemming from fear of being totally alone in my own head, my own space, or in the world- on the street or in a car for too long
So I guess the war left me in crutches, but it also left me stronger
And I didn’t **** anyone, nobody killed me
My joy is still there
Somewhere
Buried under the rubble of buildings fallen
Foundations cracked

I still fake happiness
Fake the joy
Do the job
Try to save the world
And most of it isn’t fake, it’s not fake
It’s just effort
It’s conciosness

Do not be afraid to reach out
For there will always be air there
To catch you
And if you have love in your heart as your cushion
Even if you fall
You will fall on clouds
Clouds of your own making
That sometimes swell up with rain
And drench your eyes with pain
But then the rain stops
The roaring thunder quiets down
And you can begin to sun shine again
And reach those arms above the clouds and touch the blueness of the open sky
And stretch your bones
Your fingers
Your physical being
To be larger than life
Around a large table
And touch every single heart
And trust that the love seeds you have planted will not die or rot away
Because love does not die
Love can change
And love can grow in new directions
But those seeds
Those roots underground
Might dry up above ground
Under snow they may freeze
But they are not frozen for long
Because soon the weather changes
And we all can begin again
All we need is that love
And love is all there is
Look at snow
The way it melts
Look at cycles
The balance
Love is balance
Love is care
Love is growth
Growth is that balance
The way a drop of water
Feeds the soil
Made by worms
There is so much there
So many intersecting stories
So much more beneath the surface
So we can know
About poverty
And struggle
And pain
But if we do not know love
If we do not know cycle
If we do not trust earth
If we do not trust ourselves
Us
We
We do not know
We are blind
We are tasteless
But there is always a path to love
There is always an opportunity
To find that
There is always a road

ahead.

I want to know you, the atlas that led you to today
The roads and paths you took, the footprints you left
The ones you tried to dust away
Moments where you felt repelled by present gusty wind
Eager to erase the future
And escape to the past
I want to connect to the entity that sits in front of me, the whole of your being
I want to fall into you slowly
Like a babbling brook
Talking too much too fast diving deep
Sliding over hard rocks in the way
Breaking cold ice
Breaking ideas or representations
I want to fall in


And we talked
Swimming in the deep oceans of our lives
Taking a deeper plunge into dark water
A little bit of sun lighting dreamy waves



we know now we want more, a life worth fighting for
we said our dreams would carry us

if life is made up of tiny little moments
I wanna be a master of small tricks
A jack of all trades in the smallest exchanges
As an organism, micro to stars and macro to ants
I want to take up just enough space that breath allows
And moments can grasp
I want to live a life on the edge of sanity on the edge of limitations
Crossing boundaries and blocked bridges
We should always remember though that our fingerprints are small, yet heavy
With responsibility we should be careful not to press too ******* the world
But to leave a fingerprint of peace, love, and kindness
Not even for me, not for you, but for us- for the world we share together
So let’s share in the tiny moments
In the you and me laughing over a cup of tea
In the little pockets of sunshine
I want to find happiness
And goodness in that

I want to know that there is depth to even the smallest flower
And like Horton hears a who, a person is a person no matter how small
So much time I spent trying to be visible
That when my heart broke into shattered pieces
I was scattered across the universe
Lost between bits of myself like a dusty tornado whirling around in my mind
Constantly plaguing me to negative thoughts
Succeptable to anger
And quick to see the pain of the world
And instead of being Neosporin
Or trying to be peroxide
I was prepared to let that good die inside


the present is a mary poppins pocket
filled to the brim with possibilities of infinite nature
possibilities reaching towards both the east end of the world and the west
from the most northern point
and the most southern
which is constantly changing
there is a circling orb
that floats around planet earth
catching all hopes and dreams and wishes
and then sprinkling them like fairy dust throughout the entire universe
for the realm of possibilities is not limited by the sky
although some of us prefer the feel of the ground
the sky extends out farther than all human life
to a universe of quiet space and darkness
planets and black holes and infinite mystery
and we try to make sense of, try to understand
and we love
this planet and this universe
this is our power
our curse
our beauty
and our obstacle

for emotions are a beautiful thing
and we wish to live beautiful lives
life itself is beautiful to all who can see it
all who have been given trust and love
and took it  
kept it