thestarsgowaltzingout: Poems

Nov 2022 · 312

thestarsgowaltzingout Nov 2022

Two days after my twenty-fifth birthday,
my mother called me saying
she had a dream that I was lonely
I brought her all the poems I wrote, and
told her that this is the memoir of the days
I spent digging my own grave
Outside the photo booth, she declared her
first successful attempt
in stomping my heart like I wasn’t
a daughter she gave birth to at twenty-two
I wore the not-good-enough-for-mommy
badge in my pity party every night,
pointing out all the flaws were
one of the fun parts we often did
We meant me and the loneliness,
we meant me and the memories
of her wanting to burn down my things
of her telling me her mother did worse
of her saying I belonged in hell,
but I mastered turning her words
into some work of art,
turning myself into a walking
parade balloon,
turning the wound into a life-sized
figurine
So, two days after my twenty-fifth birthday
I called my mother saying
I was lonely, but I didn’t want to **** myself

Jul 2022 · 1.1k

A Framed Heaven

thestarsgowaltzingout Jul 2022

A Framed Heaven

I was floating, and peace came to visit me
I saw the waning crescent from the corner of my eye
Clouds were making their way to the West
It was enough, and a distant voice mumbling
“Do you want to immortalize this feeling, take a picture, and make it your happy place?”

#peace #calm

Jul 2022 · 975

Hush Those Little Lies

thestarsgowaltzingout Jul 2022

Hush Those Little Lies

Oh, little girl, wipe your tears!
The war has been over more than a decade ago. Is the wound still as hurt as the first time you got it? Is it not healed yet?
Wipe your tears, and keep walking!
Running if must so.
This is a never-ending tunnel, but the lights are breaking through those thick walls.
Little girl, your heart is safe with me that I will harm you no more, l
I know that you’ve been in the dark too long, that you think you’re forever doomed.

Hush those little lies, little girl... put them to sleep.

I will take care of the wounded heart of yours,
Do you remember that we used to pick the wildflowers? We would ride our bike, set a new adventure each day, stopped in the last spot to have a little picnic. We don’t have to forget; we can frame those memories in our new home. Let the wildflowers grow.

You are safe, this little world is ours.
All your life you’ve been the beggar of the love you were supposed to have, but it’s always been there, we just have to walk a little further.
I will hold your hand if the worries come, loneliness will definitely company us, but I promise this one is different.
I know you’d rather relive all the storms that stranded you than go being someone you’ve never met,
but little girl,
she has always been you, and you have always been me.
So, let’s try once again?

#pain #heal #childhood #trauma

Jul 2021 · 554

What She Does Not Know

thestarsgowaltzingout Jul 2021

What She Does Not Know

A very good friend of mine once told me that
I sought meaning in everything,
that I found melancholy intoxicating.
She said we are like complete opposites,
but what she does not know
I also share some of her traits.

I bled through the words I could not utter,
stranded on oh-so-many-nights
I wish I was dead.
I sculpted my pain among the stanzas
and strangers’ bed.
I craved their wandering hands on my naked skin,
mapped every inch of it,
and let them make a shelter out of the shattered pieces,
but what she does not know,
I still sit alone with loneliness sleeping softly on my lap,
he often brings a backpack full of doubts,
and stories about the almost lovers.
What she does not know,
as heavy as it seems, there is a haunting
peaceful feeling
every time he is around,
knowing he couldn’t hurt me more
than just being with him.

What she does not know,
I still seek meaning in everything,
asking big questions, that no one has the answer of,
and I still find melancholy very much intoxicating,
that I often wander to the what-ifs world,
discovering the what should have been and could have been.
What she does not know,
that I am too in a constant battle to tear down
the invisible walls I’m surrounded with.

#poetry #depression #poems #madness

Feb 2018 · 384

Unguarded

thestarsgowaltzingout Feb 2018

Unguarded

My body is a map that I know too well
But once I found the dead-end road,
and I couldn’t come back
Some nights the image of your hands tracing
the walls
is way too vivid
for me to get it away
You stood too tall, crushed every living things
inside me
Who I was thinking that time?
You thought by knowing every path to the place
would make you have the right to knock down the fence,
left it broken
and open
I built my own home
but claimed it yours
I was lost inside of my body,
the body that I know too well

May 2017 · 1.7k

To the Girl Who Will Love Him Next

thestarsgowaltzingout May 2017

To the Girl Who Will Love Him Next

You will wonder why your chest feels so tight whenever her name rolls over his tongue. Not me, but the other one.
The one who will always have a place in his heart.
Don't give up yet,
but listen to every story of them.
It will break you for sure, but you will know how once he loved someone that much.
You will find yourself think about him continually.
When you walk alone on the street,
when you are with your friends talking about life,
or simply when you wash your dishes.
You will think about him
in any places
in any situations
The thoughts of him will make your stomach churns,
like you've been riding a roller coaster for so long
Sometimes the excitement will put you on the top of the world
but then reality will take you down,
twist you around,
and flip you over.
Again. Don't give up yet.
Bring him muffin or take him out to have fudge brownie ice cream on the weekend. Those are his favorites.
Remind him to not sleep late because he will get tired and grumpy in the morning,
tell him it is okay not to be perfect all the time,
and the most important thing
be there for him when he is unhappy with his life or when the memories of her keep crashing back to him.
You might prepare a band aid for gashes that will be left in your heart.
But please don't give up yet.

#words #notapoem

Mar 2017 · 981

-

thestarsgowaltzingout Mar 2017

-

When I become friends with loneliness, everything isn't that cruel
I'm used to the feeling of hollow chest when it doesn't hurt me at all anymore
It feels like I'm floating but my feet are still on the ground
It feels like I have the whole universe on my shoulder but my heart is as lighter as feather
It feels like there is a giant hole but I'm full
It feels so much like chaos and peace at the same time
Loneliness is a curse and blessing

Words from a journal
Day: unknown
Time: unknown

#thoughts #notapoem

Oct 2016 · 2.2k

Bagaimana Denganku?

thestarsgowaltzingout Oct 2016

Bagaimana Denganku?

Aku berdiri kaku di depan cermin menatap nanar dirimu.

Bertanya...

Berapa banyak malam yang kau habiskan untuk mencaci tubuh tak bersalah itu?
Mencabiknya agar kau tetap bisa merasa hidup.
Biru dan ungu selalu menjadi tanda bahwa kau menang melawanku.

Aku ingat beberapa orang
mengubahmu menjadi kelabu,
membunuhmu dengan kejam,
lalu membuangmu jauh ke jurang hitam.

Kita berjalan beriringan dengan kapak berlumur kata-kata tak dimaksudkan,
tapi kau bilang kau telah mati jauh sebelum kita berdamai.

Lalu bagaimana denganku?

Seperti ruang kosong yang hilang ditelan kesendiriannya,
aku berjalan menuju ujung lorong yang tak pernah sempat kau injak.
Menari-nari di bawah binar harapan seperti aku lupa bahwa kau tak lagi diam di sana.

Ingatkah kau saat kita duduk di meja makan bersama dua orang asing?
Kau sibuk bermain dengan gelisahmu,
sementara aku tersenyum lebar berperan sebagai hantu.
Kau melahap habis semua isi di sana, tetapi hanya berakhir pada kamar air yang sengaja kau sembunyikan.

Kau mati.
Lalu bagaimana denganku?

#puisi

Sep 2016 · 397

Show Stage

thestarsgowaltzingout Sep 2016

Show Stage

No matter how far or fast I run
I will keep coming back to the place

where

bathroom is my favorite show stage

and

the cold floor feels more comfortable than the bed

I watch the blue fairy lights twinkle above my head
I wonder,
do they ever get sad?
I drink coffee to replace my hunger
but I end up punching my stomach with anger

Mirror
Mirror
Mirror
When will you stop showing me that monster?

Jan 2016 · 3.5k

Kotak Mimpi

thestarsgowaltzingout Jan 2016

Kotak Mimpi

Aku memiliki seribu mimpi tapi ibu bilang aku tak tahu diri
Tak mengerti keadaan dan kondisi, akupun berhenti membicarakan itu dengannya.
Kopi panas yang ku seduh dengan kekecewaan kemarin pagi diseruput lega olehnya.
"Jadikan perkataan mereka cambuk bagimu"
Salah seorang teman pernah berkata begitu padaku.
Tapi kepalaku ini berisi setan-setan bengal!
Mereka hanya mengerti kesedihan dan kemarahan.
Aku tidur dengan tangan penuh tinta merah setiap malam,
berusaha memindahkan kotak-kotak terlarang dari sudut mimpi ke ruang kegagalan.
Mereka berhenti mencoba membunuhku tapi kali ini mereka menaruh racun disetiap gelas yang akan ku teguk
Bukan! Bukan racun mematikan
tapi cukup membuat jiwaku lumpuh untuk waktu yang tak menentu
Aku berhenti membicarakan mimpi-mimpiku kepada siapapun
Aku tak ingin mimpi yang tersisa hancur diinjak-injak oleh kaki yang bahkan tak peduli berapa lama aku membangunnya 'kembali'
Tahun-tahun tak bernyawa
Meludah kata-kata serapah seakan hatiku dinding beton dingin
Kecukupan seperti apa yang membuat mereka bahagia!
Atau biarkan aku tergeletak di kasur lembut itu
Jangan! Jangan coba bangunkan aku
Mungkin ketenangan di dalam sana mampu meredam kekacauan di kepala malamku

#puisi #mimpi

Dec 2015 · 2.2k

Never Your Once Upon a Time

thestarsgowaltzingout Dec 2015

Never Your Once Upon a Time

We didn't live in fairytales and I wanted to live under the love veils,
but our love was more like a tragedy because
you thought my shaking hands were an earthquake
you tried to hold me even though you knew you would ache
You said my broken skin was art
But you left me when we were apart
I found a rope hanging at where you murdered my heart once
There was no blood, just me screaming so loud
The sky drew the line between night and light
and I could almost feel your hands in this chaotic sight
I loved you with every single bone of mine
But I was never your once upon a time

#brokenheart #love #broken #sad #pain

Nov 2015 · 459

Lost

thestarsgowaltzingout Nov 2015

Lost

I thought I was clean
but I found sky colors on my skin
The cold wind knocked my broken window,
wanted to drown me in another sorrow
Fake faces mourned for a week
and I fell to the bleakness of my own weak
I swallowed those happy pills
but everything just led me to the empty hills
Heaven was never the home for all the demons made from my bones

— The End —