i sit in my bed with the window open trying to fall asleep to the sound of the crickets chirping and i think of summer. as the song "chasing cars" plays i get a whiff of every memory that i had last summer. the endless laughs. so many tube rides. how many competitions we had of who can jump in the water the furthest. there is so much more. i can feel my happiness from the memories. i can feel the warmth of the sun in my heart and i can feel the water from the lake down my face as i cry. i cry. i cry about the losses. the laughs and the me that i used to be and it hurts because i know that once i close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep i will never feel that way again. i will never feel the warmth how i used to. i will never laugh how i used to and i will not feel how i used to.

i do my hair over ten times in the morning so my hair will look nice at school for people. i workout three times a day and eat almost nothing so that when i wear my tight cheer leading uniform people don’t say “oh look it’s the fat cheerleader again”. i wear red lipstick and wear ten coats of mascara so that i will look smarter and more trustworthy like the beauty quizzes say i will. i wear so much makeup to cover up my teenage flaws and “natural beauty” so that when people look at me they won’t see anything wrong with me or say “gosh **** she’s so ugly”. i spend all of my money on clothes that make my features look better because i don’t want a boy to say that I have a flat chest or ****. i whiten my teeth everyday of the week with charcoal so when boys tell me to smile “because it’s ****” they don’t have to see a yellow nasty smile. i stay up so late at night to study for test after test so my friends won’t have to say “yeah that’s my friend with the point five IQ”. i do so much for other people to love and accept me that i forget to love myself and it hurts. it hurts to know that i’ll never see myself the way the my parents or sisters see me.

i hear that you were with someone new. i want to say to the girl to watch out because you were just like the devil in disguise i know that sounds crazy but i’ve heard stories that the devil is beautiful but you cannot be fooled by his beauty because on the inside he is just waiting for the perfect moment to get what he wants and leave. he will make your relationship great at first. he’ll kiss you gently and let you make all of the decisions but as soon as he sees that you are getting comfortable he will turn his back and he will either kiss you only when he needs to or he won’t kiss you at all and then he’ll take away every right you have in the relationship and you’ll think that it’s just him having a bad day and that it’ll pass but, sweetie it won’t. he will take everything that you have and will make you feel terrible but you won’t leave because you think that he loves you and that he is having a moment but that’s not it. you got too comfortable. once you do something he doesn’t like such as hang out with people he doesn’t like or wearing make up because it makes you look ugly he’ll take everything that you have gave him and every secret you told him and he will use it against you. he will hurt you. make you cry. tear you in half and he will feel satisfaction. he will be happy seeing that he won and he made you cry. but you won’t leave because he “loves” you. he will apologize and you will accept it because you “love” him. but the thing is there’s a difference between “i’m sorry” and “sorry”. he doesn’t mean it because he will keep doing it until he hurts you so badly and you realize that he didn’t love you but it’s already too late because you pushed away everyone else because he told you to and you did because you “loved” him so you will be left sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing wondering why you didn’t see it earlier. you will come to me for advice and i will give you this. i will know exactly what you’re feeling because he did that exact same thing to me.

how do you love two people at once? you are with her but you want me i don’t get it. how do you miss me but you need her?

why are you with her? can you see it? can’t you see it in the way you look at me in the way you talk to me that i’m the one you need?

just because i am broken doesn’t mean that i cannot heal.

i can never seem to stay in a relationship for long periods of time because i start to doubt everything that i am like how that girl over there is prettier than me and i try so hard to be like her that i don’t even notice how you look at me with an admirable look on your face when i do little things such as bite my lip when i get confused or when i draw on everything that i see. i think that i get so caught up in what i’m not rather than what i am and embracing it.