I cannot hate you.
I cannot create a sense of anger and discomfort,
Because our chapters do not align.

I cannot hate you.
Footsteps pull one forward,
Unless to choose to have them constrain you backwards.

I cannot hate you.
For love is defined as one who has a full heart.
One who cannot be without,
A sense of comfort and yearn.

I cannot hate you.
A prayer to God may not heal the future.
For though I cannot hate you,
I can make a move to love myself,
And continue my chapter..
Without your silhouette on the cover.

On Christmas Eve I was talking to my brother

It was 2:30 in the morning

We had both been drinking.

I read him one of my poems.

That one about surviving myself.

It sparked a conversation.

The tough kind.

About suicide.

I told him I truly believed most people

Dont WANT to die

They just want the pain to stop

I told him it was a cry for help.

He told me my first attempt was not.

He said with tears rolling down his cheeks

"You were done that night."

With tears now streaming down my cheeks I replied

"I can't talk about this. Not tonight."

"I know." He cried

"Did you ever get help after that night? After seeing me like that? Did you talk to someone?"

"I couldnt talk about it. It was too hard."

At this point we're both bawling.

I wrapped my arms around him.

I apologized.

See that's the thing about attempting suicide and surviving.

If you're lucky enough

To survive

You have to witness the pain everyone around you feels.

Because of you.

I never use to think it was selfish.

Not until Christmas Eve.

I broke my brother.

6 years ago.

And he's still haunted.

I looked into her sparkling eyes.
All I could do was whisper,
“Sometimes, silence is the loudest noise...”

i wish i could
make these thoughts stop
i wish i could
feel something again

my body
it shuts emotions off
at the slightest bit
of vulnerability

my body
it shuts emotions off
at the recurring nightmares
that haunt my brain

the nightmares
the flashbacks
it all hurts

how do i make it stop

Never forget your four legged friend
Those days you thought would never end
He followed you where ever you went
Happy times those years you spent.

When he was young and crafty at times
Often a shoe was hard to find
Looking under tables and chairs
No shoe was there or anywhere.

His puppy days just faded away
He settled down and he would obey
Then it clicked when he saw the need
To follow you without a lead.

There were times when you felt down
He looked at you with your saddened frown
He then sat down there by your side
Looking at you with his glaring eyes.

And then there were those holidays
The Sandy beach were you all played
You threw him a ball or maybe a stick
And tought him all those amazing tricks.

Looking back at all those years you had
Some were happy and some were sad
Those real good times you will never regret
A loving friend you will never forget.

But years  they come and years they go
Spring summer autumn and winter snow
And now you are filled with memories
That time it came for your friend to leave.

It was inevitable that I would fall
for the blooming Fall flowers
in your eyes