The devil would know your name better than I would
He learned it on the night you betrayed me
You ignored my screams of no
You ignored the tears streaming down my face
You betrayed me the day you hurt me
That was the same day he learned your name too
He knows what you did
And he's gonna punish you for it
He saw you offer me a drink and slip somethin' in it
Then drag me up the stairs to the bedroom on the right
At that moment he wrote your name on the list
Now he's waiting for you
Because he knows what you did to me that night
In the darkness you hurt me
And now I am forever scarred
Now he's waiting
To punish you for the deed you did
On the night you betrayed me

i wish i had a photo with you
but theirs an ocean that separates us
with miles of land to go with it
and although it hurts me deeply
i always know that one day
there will be photos of you and i
and along will be bountiful cups of joy
filled to the brim with memories
it may take expensive plane tickets,
months of preparation,
and many tearful nights
but it will all be worth it
because one day you wont be an ocean away,
you will be 3 ft. away
and we will be calling each other spoons
and there will be a photo
of you and i smiling

i stared at those stained glass doors
and it made me think about how i used to make them with you
it made me think about how i wish i could still be making that art
how i wish you were still here
so you could see how I've turned out
i wish you could meet her
i don't know what her and i are but she means everything to me
and i think you would've liked her
because i certainly do
that little chapel at the hospital
it makes me think of you and her and a little bit of everything
that colorful glass makes me wish you were still here
it makes me wish that i could understand her more
it makes me realize that i truly am lost in love with her
and that's terrifying to me but i know you would've loved to hear me talk about all of how this feels
i wish i were still making stained glass up in the room upstairs
maybe i could make her something, i feel like she would like that
it made me think about how i wish i had found spirituality sooner
because honestly it has made a world of difference for me
and only for the greater
i wish i were more open about that with her
because she's so ****** chill about that **** and you would be so baffled

i wish i had had the courage to just walk through those chapel doors earlier
i know i don't believe in that sorta thing
but i would've loved to see the stained glass that lay beyond that door
maybe i could've pondered upon the future in there
thought about a wedding in the future that probably won't happen in a church
thought about how it would've been to witness you two interacting
thought about everything that's been puzzling my mind as of late
but i didn't step into the chapel
and i just ponder outside of the space of believing

i will admit, i am absolutely terrified as to what is happening
i hate not knowing what one is thinking and what's going on
and right now, there is a lot of unknowing going on
i have so many questions and i have no idea how to voice them to you
what are you feeling?
what do you want?
why me?
so many things i just want to ask
but i don't know how your feeling
and I'm too scared to ask you
okay, bad choice of word
i'm not scared, i'm anxious
of what the outcome of asking could be
and questions just lead to more questions and its an infinite cycle
Am i supposed to start the chain?
Do i just sit here and see if something starts happening?
I don't know and i'm so uncertain of everything except how i'm feeling

I dont know why this hurt so bad
We weren't even connected in any way
I was just her friend
And i was just a little in love with you
But you would never know
I never told you or dropped any form of hint
There was no inkling of feelings from you
So I dont understand why my heart shattered when she told me
That you and him were together
I never wouldve considered him as your type
But I guess I really was just her friend
I never knew you nor did i really get the chance
and its just causing confusion from my end

Am i just jealous?
Am i just hurt?
I don't even know
All i know is that i wish that it was me making you happy and not him
I know that I dread the possibility of him coming in May
I know that I still have feelings for you
And that this really ******* hurts

over my life i have found games that i have enjoyed and hated
i rather enjoyed the card games and the board games
the ones i spent playing with my friends and family
but the ones i dislike are the emotional games
or the ones that end in heartbreak
but today i have found my least favorite
the waiting game
the game where i'm waiting to see if someone's life is going to end or continue
and if it's just a clock ticking toward either one
this game of waiting just comes and with every tick somebody shatters just a little bit more
i think the most aggravating thing for many is the fact that we don't know who we are playing against
we don't know who is competing for the other side
we don't know if it's a god, fate, a grim reaper
this game is a miserable game
and it ends in either fear, relief, heartbreak, hope, or death
**** this waiting game
and **** the pain it brings

i'd rather have this art on my body
than your hands
for this art only leaves beauty
and your hands leave bruises
this art makes me smile for days
and your hands make me cry for hours
your hands bring me nothing but ache and sorrow
where this art brings me happiness and confidence
so i'd rather have this ink
etched under layers of my skin
for it brings little pain but years of smiles
but your hands
only leave black and blue
and tearful nights

The thing about people with mental illnesses
whomever they be;
you, or a friend, or a loved one, or just someone you see at school
you can't save them
they have to want to save themselves
you can help them, and you can try so hard
but the only person that can save them is themselves
and i know that that piece of information can tear someone apart
because when people care about someone, they just want to help
and when they can't they just feel so helpless
but you can help
you can be there for them
and i know that sometimes that can be a little challenging
but you can be there for them;
all day, all night, and sometimes when they don't want you
you can help by sometimes doing things
sometimes you might have to call someone
because sometimes situations get bad
but you might have to go with your instinct
you can help them by being there
by picking them up when they fall
by sticking by there side through thick and thin
because if you stay with them they might learn they're not alone
and that might urge them to help themselves
you may not be able to save them
but you can be the thing that pushes them to help themselves
you just need to love them unconditionally
you just need to be there strength when they're weak
you just need to be there friend when they feel alone
you just need to there reminder that they are a warrior and they can win this war
that they can save them self
they are strong enough to do anything
and the thing with people with mental illnesses
the demons erase the knowledge of having strength
but you can be the teacher that shows them that they do
and they can use their strength and **** the demons

You don't love me
You love the idea of me
You love the character you've made of me
You love your character with mine
But that's not you
That's who you want to be
And you don't want to be with me
You want your character to be with me
And that's not how this going to work
Because I am not being a character
I'm being the real me
And I'm not going to be placed into your story like that
Surprise surprise i'm a real human
If you want to be with me and tell me you love me
Please step out of costume first
Then maybe this tale will end a different fate

i always question
where we will be
3 years from now
me and mia will be seniors
and you will be already graduated
you and i will be applying for art school i hope
and mia will be applying for science school
and maybe we will be planning for the apartment
i hope we are still close
i think we will but theres always the possibility of loss
i hope we are all mentally okay
we all deal with mental illnesses
and i hope we are all helping each other through them
i hope everything goes well for us
because i see you guys as my future
and i hope you guys too
i hope you guys want the future to go well
as much as i do at least

when you get into a relationship, you both walk through this door
and you seem to be in this room
over time as the relationship develops the room becomes decorated
and maybe if it keeps going, you might end up with a whole house
that's decorated and full and rich with memories and feelings
but
no matter how good that relationship may be
there is always that door
and no matter if you walked through the door, ran, leaped, or was shoved in
your in here and so are they, and even though you both may be happy
there is always the possibility that the other may walk out through it
leaving the house and you behind
and that may be the scariest part of any relationship one deals with
like, nobody wants to think about the person they love just...leaving
but there is always the possibility of that
how scarier could that be?
always having the threat of being left alone in a full house that they being in made home

I stepped into the scalding shower
too numb to feel the heat
and i scrubbed everything
attempting to erase the memory of you
but as i clawed and i scraped
you were still there
and every time i closed my eyes
i could see you
engraved in my eyelids
forever haunting me and my broken heart

if i could go back to younger me, or even just back to the me 6 months ago
i would say so much
because I've changed a lot the past few months
and this would've been easier had i known some things

firstly i'd start with the fact that I've learned
you won't feel so alone for forever
i know it may feel like you'll be like this forever, but i promise you
it won't
also don't be afraid to let them in
they aren't secretly plotting to hurt you, they are genuinely good
all of them are, especially the one with the inviting energy
it's okay to have more than one person in your life that cares about you
it might actually be nice to have a little more
lastly, don't be so guarded in regards to love
yes it's terrifying as hell
but it's one of the best feelings in the world
it's okay to be a little wary, but calm down with all those walls
she won't leave you because of your flaws if she truly loves you
and she's not lying when she says she's not going anywhere
believe me, her energy is good for a reason
people are good for you, i promise

for a long time i would always get confused
whenever i would hear people say
that they still loved the person even when they were leaving them
and i would get very confused by that
inexperienced by love i would say
"well, why don't you stay with them and figure it out."
i now see why that isn't always possible

as i have now been put into that spot
and as i have left someone i still dearly adore
i understand
in no way is it easy
but it is the best way for happiness for them
and i now know why people do what i have done
because it makes the person you love happy
and if that means you having to be a little sad for a bit
then so be it

You asked me the question
"What's worse, the days or nights?"
And I sort of made up a response
But It's hard to explain it, without any thought
So I've thought on it
And I've realized an answer for it
There is no easy answer
Like the days are worse or the nights are worse
Because it's not like that
Some days are worse than some nights
Some nights are worse than some days
The only difference between them is what they feel like
During the day, it's an exhausting throb
It's an insomniac wanting to sleep, but not being allowed
It's a throbbing sadness, constantly there and pressing on my emotions
During the night, it's an empty lonliness
It's an empty emotion where you feeling everything and nothing
It's lonely because there is no one there
Nothing except the sadness
So the answer to your question,
Is it depends on what it feels like

i wish i had a photo with you
but theirs an ocean that separates us
with miles of land to go with it
and although it hurts me deeply
i always know that one day
there will be photos of you and i
and along will be bountiful cups of joy
filled to the brim with memories
it may take expensive plane tickets,
months of preparation,
and many tearful nights
but it will all be worth it
because one day you wont be an ocean away,
you will be 3 ft. away
and we will be calling each other spoons
and there will be a photo
of you and i smiling

I want to help people
I want to use my words
To reassure them that they're not alone
To let them know that someone is there
I want to use my words
To teach them that it's okay to admit you're not okay
To tell them that other people are like them
And that they understand
I want to use my words
To help people
To befriend people
To save people
I know that no one can save the world
But I would like to save a part of it
If I save one person with my words
I will have dome something I've always wanted to do
I will do what I have always planed to do
Because I want to help

I know that you're the brighter side of everything
And I know it's not the end
I'm just slowly losing myself
I don't want to drag you to this hell
I still love you
But I'm falling apart
I can't stand to have you watch me from afar
So I'm gonna save you
And walk away
Because I would rather have you happy
Then sad and still with me
But I love you too much
For you to be stuck in this place
Maybe someday we'll reunite
And we'll work out in the end
But you're my pretty little flower
That I hope will never die

how does one identify another by a scent
because one's scent is always changing
so how do we connect them to one?
do we connect them to the scent of their skin after a morning of slumber
the scent of their sweat after the evening run
the scent of their favorite shampoo
the scent of their perfume on date night
are we to pick our favorite of the many and claim that be them
or do we choose the most consistent
so tell me, how are we to connect a smell to a person?

It is okay to let go of someone for yourself
Yes they might be hurt
And you might be hurt too
But sometimes you need to be alone to glue your pieces back together
No one else can do that for yourself except you
You shouldn't feel bad about it either
Because you should be your top priority
Take care of yourself
And after that take some more time to take care of you
And maybe you will be strong enough to take care of you and someone else
But it is okay
To let go to someone because you aren't whole
Because you shouldn't have divide your half into pieces
Because you should always be happy
And sometimes you're not with other people

ever since i was little, I've always wanted to do one thing
I've always wanted to help people
and I've found that the best way for me to do that
is using my writing to speak to you\and i always ask the spirits if i've helped someone
who needed to hear the words that i wrote
and they say i have
which is an amazing and calming feeling
knowing that i helped someone
bu using my words and being there
i asked the spirits if i knew who i helped
they i don't
so i asked them if i ever will know them
and the spirits told me
i will know this amazing human
if i keep going on this path
so i'm going following this road
trying to help people with my words
and meet some saved people along the way

i was on a walk with my mother during the sunset
and we were having very beautiful conversation
a beautiful talk with a beautiful person, a spectacular moment
and this wonderful woman told me a statement that many had told her
"that daughter you have, one day she's gonna break hearts"
and it got me thinking
i don't wanna break hearts
i want to fill hearts
i love things and i love them with everything in me
and i want to love everything
and i want my love to spill onto everything i touch
i want there to be love everywhere i look and i want that love to bloom into lovely flowers and grow everywhere i can't be
i don't want to break hearts because our hearts are the most beautiful thing that a human can hold
i want them to be filled with the beautiful emotions of happiness and love and for those hearts to want to express this same love that i do
i just want to love everything and everything to love each other
i want this world to be filled with love and beautiful emotions
i want beautiful moments and beautiful memories and loved people
i mostly just want all hearts to be filled to the brim with love

you would never think
that you and i had a past
the way we pass each other in the hall
without even looking
or even realizing that the other is there
if you didn't know us
who we used to be
you wouldn't know
that he and i
we used to be best friends
and then we lost it all
we lost the connection
or maybe it was never there
but we thought it was
but anyone who sees us now
will never know that we have history
that we used to spend weekends and road trips together
because when we pass in the hall
there is no eye contact
or any spark of interest
just a memory of our history

She noticed him the first day he walked into her room
She quickly realized that he was different
He was more quiet than most students
She saw him writing in that worn down notebook
So she began asking about his writing
Slowly he opened up
He wrote beautiful little stories
She learned they were his escape from reality
He had a horrible home life, and barely a future to cling to
In every story she saw his secret; that he had hope
So she stretched out her fingers
And reached for his hand
Because she knew that the boy had a talent
That could be the key to his future
When she saw him walk in and sit down
She saw a door to an adventure
Just waiting to be unlocked

He hid himself from the world
He would use women in the shadows of the moon
And then vanish at daylight
He did so, because he was scared
Of becoming attached
Of becoming bonded with a woman
And then he did
Maybe it had been accidental
But he had opened up to her
And now they're married and have kids
But he still is terrified
Because if he ever lost her
His world would tumble around him
And the ashes in the sky would remind him of his loss
Now everyday he lives in the emotions of joy and fear
Joyful for his wonderful life
And fearful of losing his one true love

I am here to tell you I have been lying to your face
I know this may come as a shock to some people
But I have been
I show you the side of me
That is happy & giggly & goofy
But I never show you the other side of me
The side of me that gets depressed and cries alone in her room
I never show you this side of me because I love making others happy
Even when I'm not
And most days I'm not
Some days I just push the devilish voices to the back
Some days I just don't want to be here
Some days I plaster on a smile to by
Some days music and poetry are what keep me going
But I don't continue on for that
I do because the days I am happy are amazing
I do because I have amazing friends and family
I do because there is more than sadness
I'm sorry I've been lying
I was just tired of painting on lies

there once was a girl
who raised herself
and spent her days
reading all alone
she became interested
in only the words
for no on else
ever could be
there for her
cause she was
always alone
and that's how she lived
surrounded by words
and alone forever

i'm so tired of having to break these walls down only to have to rebuild them
at this point, i'm out of energy
so the walls are just going to stay up from now on
i'm not even going to try and break them down
let them build up as they please
i don't care how unhealthy it is to let them exist
but i'm tired of trying to let people in only to bet hurt
i've tried too hard to make other people happy
to not make myself happy
so ***** it
let the walls stay, **** it when you tell me to open up
i'm so sick of opening up and then shutting down again
i don't care if you've been there when the door has opened
it's shut now
and it's not opening anymore

what is one to do with a love that is outdated and dead?
because i don't know what to do with this love
the love of things that merely exist but cannot be created the same
they barely exist, only in the worlds that desire this
i don't believe me and my love for these things that barely exist
belong on this plane of existence
we don't belong but we work, we coexist in this reality of art
and it's a beautiful mingling of minds
i don't belong in this era and i should be where it was
but i'm not and i'm here and i'm desiring that world
the feelings and the reality of that world
so what do i do with this love of that place and not this one?

it's okay to fall out of whatever we had
but i hope we learn lessons out of what it was
i learned that sometimes i need to not think with what i feel
and i hope you learn that it's okay to feel
but i want you to learn to not pretend
if things aren't okay, that's alright, but you need to speak
don't just drop things when things get bad
talk about them.
because just ending things after pretending their good is terrible
and it screws the other person up
i hope the next person you are with makes you happier
and that the lessons you learned with me
will make it easier
i hope that you will feel better and be ready

i hope all of these good things will come to you and you will be better
but i dont know the future
for all i know you may come back to me one day
for all i know you could also continue on your path
never bumping into the past again
and that's okay
just use the lessons you've learned from your past
they will help you
even if it was a terrible memory
use your lessons, they will save you in the end

you've always wanted to change your appearance
you were never happy with your natural beauty
and you were always envious
of my dyed hair and clothing style
but the thing you didn't know was
i changed my hair and t-shirts
when something big changes around me
i dyed my hair turquoise during my starving days
when only fruits filled my hollow cheeks
and when i got better it went back to natural
i dyed my hair red during the recovery
from slicing my wrist and missing my friend
and i shaved away half my hair
to remove of some negative thoughts
but you don't know that I've dyed it again
i dyed it blue after we ended our friendship
to remind myself that everything will be okay
that you will be perfectly fine
you were always envious of my hair
and you were planning to dye it last time we talked
i won't know if you do
but if we pass each other at the store
we wont recognize each others faces
because we wont look past our hair

it had been a month since you told me you didn't love me anymore
and if i'm going to be completely honest, i was doing just fine
with how things ended, it cut all emotions i felt towards you
and then you texted me
you caught me completely off guard
you were a name i never thought would ever come across my screen again
but it did
and you were worried about me
you were just asking me so many questions, and i will admit i did lie to a few
no, i hadn't been fine, but not because of you
but then you kept saying you thought that i hated you
and it was like you were begging for me to say that i miss you
and that i just want you back and couldn't stand not having you in my life
but i will never give that to you
because i don't miss you, i did at first, but not anymore
and i can live without you
i learned that i am still me even without you
one thing that did shock me about that though
you of all people should know that i don't hate
i've never been a hateful person
i mean, i get that we aren't talking anymore but ****
we did talk every day for so long
i would've thought that you would've remembered something
but i guess you didn't
and i had to remind you that i don't hate, i just hurt
i was so aggravated with you then
because then you were pleading for me to be your friend
why would i want to be your friend?
your the one that pushed me away and got a boyfriend and didn't even tell me
you weren't gonna tell me, you never were
you can say that you were and just didn't want to hurt me
but we all know that your full of it
you weren't and i know because you kept telling me you adored me
and why would you do that if you had somebody else?
no, i don't hate you, but i don't trust you or respect you in any way
you hurt me
and i told you when i lost somebody else
that i was done fighting to stay in people's lives if they didn't want me
but i guess i'm not the one fighting to be in people's lives now

The walls are getting rebuilt
I can see it bright and clear
I see it getting built
Every brick getting added
For every brick theres an emotion or person
Every time it's added, the more anxiety is added
The tears are starting to fall
I know I'm going to drown if I don't sop
please stop....please stop

day after day
i promised you
i would never leave
now as i sit alone
broken and shattered
i wish i had asked you
to promise me too

i am so sick of these ******* walls I've built
I've been in toxic relationship after toxic relationship
and it made me build a ******* house and I don't wanna do it anymore
I have this feeling deep down that your not gonna hurt me
and I really just wanna follow it
because you don't deserve that
you shouldn't have to be with someone who puts up guards
one of my biggest fears is being vulnerable
because then I could seriously get hurt
and I wanna have faith that you won't hurt me

people ****, they've just hurt me and now I'm scared i'm going to hurt you
out of fear my walls just go up
and i'm just trying to break them down
because you deserve the good
and i'm terrified but you should get that
if you don't get anything else you deserve to at least see the good in me
i promise one day i'll tell you about the people who built them
but you don't need that and now isn't the time
just know that i'm trying, even if you don't notice that i'm working on it
i really am

god i wish i could see you right now
because the idea of you sitting next to me
makes me just feel better
but that idea cant become a reality quit yet
so i think i'm just gonna sit and think about all the things you do that make me happy
and realize why i fell in love with you
i love it when you sit and love on cats even though you hate them
and you look at me to make sure i'm watching
i love it when you walk into a room with all your friends and you sit next to me
i love it when you ramble about swimming and your favorite band
i love it when you hold my hand when i'm upset and remind me that everything is going to be okay
i can't even write about all the little things you do that i love about you
but a few of them just popping in my head
make e forget about all the bad i deal with
and make my day feel less scary
i wish you were here or i were there
but i'll think about these little things instead