Fear of abandonment
There's someone better than me

Fear of betrayal
I am not good enough, never will

I can not open heart,
I do not want to attact this deceiver
One who cheats love,
A selfish contender...
That wants me and the world.

Low vibrational **** and becoming be gone.
I do not want you,
But wait... why do I keep thinking and feeding you with my fears of abandonment...of not being good enough?

This heavy feeling of not having access to anything better, limiting beliefs imprison me.

All I see and hear are the echoes of others' pain and fears...so I won't open my heart.
I can't do that to myself.

Everywhere, online in comments I see him,
I feel him
Low vibrational selfish ****
His heart is closed too...that's why we keep finding each other
I don't want him yet I find home in him.

Anticipation of the worst you and you don't even exist...yet.

Emotional insecurity, instability,
More abandonment, validation of not being good enough.

More of not being chosen
More mental fights...creating more momentum into chaos that hasn't happened...yet.

I am the door that is letting these demons in.
Why do I keep doing this to the love of my life?
My heart needs a safe space and this isn't it.
Why won't I love myself better?

Shame, judgment for this guilty pleasure of mine.

Split Desire consumes my energy, dull
Between better × healthier and dirtier x sicker
Oh multiple choices, where do I begin?
Which timeline should I resign?
I don't want my heart to be mined,
I want my heart to be considered.

My inner child's heart deserves to be chosen.
I can't choose those who won't too.
If I do, I abandon myself first.
I create insecurity and disloyalty to my little girl's heart first.

Am I still inviting the devil into my bed?

Oh my gosh,  
I close timelines where every cheater + heart deceiver comes + becomes

In my heart, in my presence
they always stink so bad
their demonic future crumbles in my sight.

Their disgusting energy, it is the tissue I wipe all the yucky impurities

Negligible care to engage now
they are energetically falling off like the leaves in autumn,
Now manure for the seeds of love I plant for my future I secure
In my heart,
Fall away all parts of me that cheat + deceive the heart of the one I truly love.
Die.

drive through me leave me bare, abandon me poor

thrive not, heart don't be full
more dis-ease please, get me more out of my essence, moo
me out of my God Given Throne fool,
i belong in the zoo.
show me how bad you can beat me past what I threw
five pieces of glass, my crew
i broke my own heart because i can't stand myself, whew!

i'm now reflecting how best i like my heart, i drool
five pieces of my heart needing some glue.

hive oozing honey stained with poo
i don't know how to nurture my worth so i demand that from you
an impossible feat, i like you prefer a toxic hue.

live deep down, i want more ease and juiciness... but ooh,
that's too much work, i want it on a silver platter, boo!
jive to my disdain you fool,
remind me of my inadequacies like it's in, new
tell me everything wrong with me like i always knew
may my most authentic self never see the view,
die, noone wants to know you, eew!

I'm fond of this image of him,
sweet, vulnerable, gentle.
He knows all my games,
and still he crawls to me.

I feel seen,
almost protected
almost loved.

And I can't help but wonder,
in the late Saturday morning
what would have been of us.

If only he had learned how to read,
my poetry, my soul, my self,
if he had listened to
my voice, my plea, my cry.

But for him I was invisible,
and just like in chess
I learned how to end a king,
with foolish moves.

we keep playing these mind games
whether I should stay or not
I am like a bird in a locked cage
shackled feet, strangled neck
covered mouth
toxic traits, manic behavior
split personality
call the hotline, he is severe
worst of all
I run away from the truth
scared of a little truth or dare
I wanna leave but I can't
been keep on making the same mistakes
no character development
no personal growth
the other one leaves, another one stays
but the first one is the guy I loved not the latter

When I last addressed you,
I considered you a former friend,
And after much consideration,
And re-evaluation,
I’m putting this debate to an end.
You were not my friend,
You never were,
Despite what I said,
And what I believed,
You never cared for me.
I was just an ear,
That you used for many years,
Oh, you caused me many fears,
Deprived me of cheer.
Friends don’t do what you did,
So I’ll say again,
You were not my friend,
And you never were.