you told me your heart stopped

tell me

when it started again

was that when you became sick of being with me?

It happened again
I tried to count to ten
But this time it just didn’t work

And now I’m in bed
With these thoughts in my head
About how you must think I’m a ****

How do I explain
How I’m in so much pain
When you’re hurting too

I should just go to sleep
But all I can think
Is what do I say to you?

I try to pretend
But I’m crying to my friends
On the phone to them every night

And through the tears I yell
While I’m asking ‘What the hell
Must I do to set this right?

How do I explain
How I’m in so much pain
When you’re hurting too

I should just go to sleep
But all I can think
Is what do I say to you?’

They say give it time
But I can’t control it
And now I’m just repeating
I’m sorry, I love you
I’m sorry, I love you
I’m sorry, I love you
I love you

Maybe now I realise
I need to respect your disguise
Or else I will lose you

And so I’ll go to sleep
Instead of trying to think
About what I should say to you

You ask me why I left
well here's why.
It's because I realized that
my life is mine.

Maybe you think I'm selfish,
well aren't you too?
You said we would support each other
but nothing was ever true.

You had your dreams,
and I watched as they grew,
I guess I forgot,
that I had dreams too.

You said that I'm selfish,
but maybe it's because you didn't understand,
that in a relationship,
it's not about being in the upper hand.

You said that I'm selfish,
it's because you failed to see,
that even someone like me,
had things I wanted to achieve.

Maybe that's why I left you,
maybe I was wrong,
Maybe I should've told you,
that I wanted to be strong.

You say the past is in the past,
yet you want to start all over again,
I agree that the past is in the past,
but I'm sorry, this is the end.

I've found someone else,
and I hope you do too,
someone who wasn't as "selfish" as I was,
someone who can sacrifice for you.

We all have a soulmate,
I once thought it was you.
But the tides have passed,
the sun has set,
and nothing can be reset,
because I've found someone new.

This is the last time you make me cry
As oppose to the first time
This is the last time
Yeah for being so vulnerable to you
Opening up letting you in
Seeing my weakness, super sensitivity
Me in a different skin
How could you
When I said that when you hurt, I hurt
I meant it
I'm not just talking ****
We're one now
Just like you said if I were to die, then you would die
Well I've cried, now you cry
If I go down, then you're going down
Oh, this will be the last time you make me cry
I know relationships ain't easy
This relationship
But baby we gotta cut all this ******* out
What the hell are we really fighting about
Do we feed off of hurting each other
Is that the only way we could ever be together
And does that one day mean someday or someday one day
There is no way I could ever intentionally hurt you
But can't you see
By hurting yourself that you're hurting me
I just want you to get better
So we could be better
Pain doesn't last forever
Unless you make it that way
I know **** doesn't go away in a day
But you could do this
Baby I believe this
Because if you go down, then I go down
And this will be the last time you make me cry

150: "I've never had a fat girlfriend" your now ex-boyfriend explains when questioned about the reason why he said the two of you just won't work. He tells you that "he thinks you're cute, but would be much cuter if you lost a few pounds". His words echo in your brain until eventually insults are the only thing you can force yourself to swallow.

120: Everyone is congratulating you on your extraordinary weight loss, they all want to know your secrets. You don't tell them that every night you're on your knees worshipping the toilet bowl. That the only chocolate you've tasted in months is the chalky, sweetness of the laxatives that you take like a daily vitamin. That you don't allow yourself food until the emptiness inside you threatens to steal your consciousness. Instead, you smile and say "must be good genes".

90: You get into a fight with your mother after she tries to force you to eat dinner with your family. You ate yesterday, this will throw off all the goals you've been striving towards. You no longer know how to survive if you're not destroying yourself in the process.

90: You run into your ex boyfriend at the local Walmart with his new girlfriend. She's heavier than you are, but her eyes still shine like lighthouses, he hasn't gotten to her yet. You try to telepathically tell her to run, to leave while she's still whole, but you know the message gets lost on its way. So you settle for a smile, and a compliment to the figure she still has.

120: It's so hard to live in a society where perfection is unattainable but at the same time required... However, it's not impossible. You are already in recovery, you've made it through the hardest part. It's so much better to be full of food than full of empty wishes.

150: Your new girlfriend whines about how jealous she is of your curves, compares your body to that of an ancient goddess. You hesitantly accept the compliment, still not comfortable with imagining your body as anything other than the curse he made you think it was. Darling, your body is not the curse, your body is the blessing... I'm glad you've finally started treating it as such.

The first boy to enter my life never let me finish a sentence without kissing me.
And I remember all the girls saying how romantic it is being interrupted mid-sentence with a kiss.

I did not find this romantic.
Forced silence is not romantic.
Forced silence is not "relationship goals".
Forced silence is degrading.
Forced silence is a sign that the purpose of your lips is to please others instead of speaking your mind.

And maybe I'm overreacting.
I'm sure I'm overreacting.
Because if not, others would have spoken up....right?