So it took me twelve months,
fifty-something weeks,
to understand that someone you want to sleep with
isn't the same as someone you want to wake up beside

You've said it yourself that you enjoy waking with me
taking the smallest sliver of your bed
(and if I take more, I'll hear about it come sun rise
and our laughter will chime)
Not only am I yours, but you are mine.

The boy who clicks off the light, reads on the couch, to let sleep consume me-- or who reads beside me, metal-frames dipping low
while his eyes pour over the page.

The boy who tucks me in, acquiescing the blanket softer than peach fuzz-- like the ambrosial peaches his grandmother gifted him in the winter and he shared sweet.

The boy who always makes sure to kiss me good-bye
and fills the room with jazzy notes-- because they represent me,
though he never liked jazz much at all before.

The boy who asked me to wake him if I go somewhere because he'd prefer me to remain beside him, but he understands I have things I need to do, so he cannot always wake beside me,
a weight he can handle.

It does not match the boy who told me he does not love me,
though he likes me, and I am haunted by hollow translations
that force me to delicately dance around a swear word in the
English language like "love".

It does not match the boy who said we wouldn't have much of a relationship without ***, and I am haunted by uncertainties of my convenience that force me to stumble with the hope that our
past does not define our present.

How I feel about you, through my actions, through my words, are truer than any logic, but that might not matter
because the boy does not want to hear words that have
a weight greater than he can handle.

What does it matter if I chose to wear a ring
Silver and cold-blooded, fought hard to receive
To symbolize the one coiled around my heart

If I chose to order a drink
Of the poem you recite with smile and splendor
To symbolize you, miles away, my new year’s wish

If I chose to remain in your bed that morning
After your insensitive and heart-constricting decision
to symbolize a commitment to communication and forgiveness

If I chose to lock eyes and arms with you
In a hall teeming with energy contradictory to the average age
To symbolize overwriting painful past through contraband

What does it matter that I chose you
Implicitly and explicitly and wholly
if you didn’t choose me?

If a boy falls in love with a boy
and no one is around to hear it
does the boy really love at all?

But once the sound carries
and electrical pulses transfer
encoded messages are decrypted
and interpretation can never be taken back

But reign in the words
and clutch them tightly to your chest
and bite your tongue lest they escape
and interpretation can never be taken back

If a boy falls in love with a boy
and he does not want to hear it
was there ever any love at all?

I was going to compose a parallel poem
mirroring the ways you show you care
but you have made it evident
that I will never be your home.

You would
thoughtfully answer my never-ending stream of questions
carry me to bed with a blissful blanket of sleep and softness
grant me the honor of wearing anything you owned, and smile at my choices
actively correspond with me, more in the span of a few weeks than your standard for a lifetime
trust me to take care of your bright-green banana-of-a-boy
assist and twist and crack my spine further
track and plot my heartrate to find a trend in tempo and tone
and always provide the nearness I need to breathe
and feel
and be
myself.

I did not need to pen a poem
to know that you care, albeit reticent
but you have made it evident
that I will never be your home.

I would
eat the squishy grapes for you
warm your cold hands
share with you the last of my rice and beans
massage your stiff neck
get up from comfort to pour you a glass of cool water
assist and twist and crack your spine further
treat you to your favorite ramen, donating my extra noodles
tiptoe across the creaky floorboards to not stir you
and always give you the space you need to breathe
and feel
and be
yourself.

Sunlight streaks in, gold and sharp,
One blanket is tossed to the floor,
The other is wrapped around you, tangled in your legs.

You stretch beyond the scope of the bed,
Disorientedly breathe the early morning in,
And cover me with blanket seized in your sleep.

I am draped, like royalty, only in the finest,
Your arm adorns and grounds me.
I understand your appreciation for weighted blankets.

My mind cannot wander or worry or plot my demise in your arms.

I have never seen the dawn,
Daylight breaking over the boundary between dark and light,
Though I know that with it comes
A crispness of the air
A hushed silence across the world
A sense of awe
A hope for an uprising of humanness
As the light shatters the anguish of yesterday.

I have never seen the dawn,
But I have seen you sleep soundly
In the dimmest of hues and the brightest of rays
Yet you always shine the most brilliantly
The cool air kisses you sweetly
The battle-scarred child nature sings you lullabies
The interwoven-vines protect you
And the sun and moon are humbled by your grace.

I have never seen the dawn,
But I have seen you sleep soundly,
And through you I know what the dawn brings.