"Next patient, please!"  the night nurse says, hair red and teased
she takes one look at me and says "you're barely in one piece... you're right for coming to the Hospital for broken hearts, sweetie- you'll be seen in a minute, fill out these forms and have a seat"

The papers ask for his name and the color of his eyes
it asks when I knew I loved him and if I knew how much he'd lie
it asks me to tell them in detail the first time I touched him and I think about how it was his thigh- it's hard to read the questions when these tears are blurring my eyes- looking at what I've written... I can't believe this is the same guy

The wounds I have are so severe
you would think I got them from falling ten stories swinging from a chandelier
and when the doctors ask me "how exactly did this happen?" with nothing in their eyes but fear
I'll say "I fell in love with a boy, he said he'd make me a wife and a mother and we'd grow old together over the years"
but their eyes will soften, they'll put down the machine that makes them say "clear!" and say "oh sweetheart, you fell for the oldest trick in the book and the smoke in the mirror"

and as I'm being stitched back together
I'll think of how I truly did want to be with you forever
I'll think of all the ways you could've been better and all the times I lost my temper
I'll think of the rising and falling of our chests and all the pleasure
and how it was so hot it smoldered like embers
I'll think of when it was just me and you- or at least try to remember.

solution trickling intravenously like these memories of whispers and fingertips touching my skin in the dark
memories of  how even when given all the answers we'd still miss the mark
wishing I could pick up the phone and call Florida and ask to speak to Kathryn Stark
wishing we could go back to that night in August when we first kissed in the park

The doctor just left, I got my diagnosis
I covered my ears because I wasn't ready to know it
we will never move as two and one again smoothly like osmosis

I was told  I will never recover to ever be strong enough to be your lover, and in a fraction of a second I felt every cell in me start to rupture

There is no ifs or when
now all that's left is thoughts said in pasted tense
all that's left between us is talking about "back then"

I'll disappear into the ether from whence I came
but please don't forget my smile, my laugh, the way my hair smelled or how you kissed me in the rain and also please don't forget the flame that kept us plenty warm for 1,946 days

I woke up sick.
And I feel awful.

But not for the reason you think.

I can assure you that I am fine, I just need some time to lucid dream and wish my worries away. But that might never happen. And honestly, that's okay with me.

I'm wearing the same infected clothes, and wrapping up in the same infected blanket hoping to get better.

I've gotten the rest of my family sick, so good for me.
Because my family is made up of some of the strongest people I know. We never get sick.

And yet, here we are. Bound to our beds and eating soup like it's the elixir of life.

But we will get better. Physically...

As for everything else... we can leave that until tomorrow.

But I'm still in these infected, sick clothes. But I'm too tired to do anything about it. So I'll sleep.

It's the best thing I can do right now.

Don't you think?