When he says I’m not fat ,
but a bit overweight.
When I’m hot enough to ****,
but never to date.

When I am called brave for just wearing a dress,
But they say I’ll lose weight just after that stress.

Because I am called brave cause I dare to exist.
Because my fat hand can’t fit right around my fat wrist.

No matter what’s won
Theres just more to lose.
Never cry love, only sing blues
Cause fat, when in love, is the funniest sight
Reserved for comedians on a dark and late night.


Because I am a journey waiting to happen
Because I am not a person,
just a fat one.


When I’ve drawn out in sharpie where I’d take the scissors.
When In social settings I start to wither,

When somebody thin starts to talk about weight
My heart starts to race,
And reddens my face,
What if I am called out and called a disgrace.

Because if they are disgusting when they are size 8
Then what am I?


So Please,
allow me a moment to breathe,
Reset, internally scream.

Then smile back, polite as can be.
Because you refuse to understand what it’s like to be me.

i wanted her to be skinnier
and that was great
because i was improving someone else
she didn't want to change
wanted to live her own life
but that was great
because i had a grand plan
i tied her to a chair
slit her throat
cut off her limbs
she was dead
but she was lighter
and that was great

How do I mend my relationship with my body?
How do I hate myself, less?

How could I?
How dare I?

The world doesn't.
It tells me all the reasons why I shouldn't.
                                                      ­                     I mustn't.

I must hate myself.

I must hate my body, that is what I deserve.
What my body deserves

Love is reserved for the thin.
                                the beautiful.

The beautiful.
I could never be beautiful.

It's a lie,
when they say it.
It's a lie.
when they say I am.

I am beautiful from the neck up.

but you'd never use that word,
                            designate it to my body.
                                                           ­  to the rest of me.

The rest of me should be tossed away.
                                              discarded.


Please sir, can I keep my head?
It's the only place I live, the only place I am allowed to be.

I am not allowed to be beautiful. not allowed to be thin.
that was not the hand I was dealt. not my lot in life.




I exist in the world with my shame exposed.

                                                       ­       On display.


Do you know how that feels?




No hiding.


No escaping.


No pretending.




I am fat.  
My body is fat.



and from first glance, you can see my unworthiness.

                                                  ­      My lack of deservedness

It's always there.

My body
My body gets looked at, talked about, shamed.

My body doesn't fit comfortably in an airline seat and my body keeps getting fatter.

My body offends and disgusts you.

My body absorbs the blows.
       the shocks
              it reverberates

the ripples

Take in more food.

EAT.

no one loves you.
no one ever could.

you're too FAT.
                   too hideous.

                   unlovable

So, I abuse my body.
                           I hurt it.
         give it more. move it less.
It grows, my own self-loathing grows.

Like water to a plant.
         Your gaze and comments like the sun    

My body continues to sprout.
upwards
outwards
all aroundwards

Making it harder to fit.
                  harder to move.
                  harder to Be.

I wish they loved my body, maybe I could have too.

Maybe I could have too.

Reminding me of death, or a closed door
Sounding like obsolete
Obtuse
That word breaks glass, up against my heart
Hurt knees
***** stares
Pretty hot and tempting
Covered in heavy protection and vulnerable as ****
It could never be obsidian, a word of power beauty and strength
I choke on the word
Obese

my subject, mrs. ((brown?))
for this speech is
going to be: obesity. ish.

you see I remember
the article you handed out to us,
loos-leafed,
fresh-pressed,
a dry white piece that told,
in simplest terms,
the most inarguable & bland facts
about !healthy eating & !weight loss!

but mrs ((whatever)), I want
to tell n and the entire
******* crisp class,
that obesity is a load
of steaming ****
from someone who’s really fucki
ng sick (you know how much
better it stinks then)

that obesity
was made to be glorified,
I don’t tell you this—
I ****** jiggle it to you,
grab my santa clause puch and
shove it at you--

tick tock
we wait for the clock
to tell us what
s to come,
except it makes us guess

--see this:
a mid-age woman, mother,
fat & previously fat,
goes in for stabbing pain in the chest, or
chronic diarrhea,
seeing stars & no energy left.
((this happens))
the doctor says,

well let’s weigh you n see
if you’ve lost
the weight I told you to lose before
remember Sharol

now Sharol..,,,, sweety…..
you weigh 55.62 lbs over the
state-set “healthy limit”k,
so we’re just gonna give u these
diet pills & I promise they work,.
all nach-yer-awl u see, none of that
waterweight ******* [! excuse my language]

and in about 3 months you’ll lose
half that overweight,
and I promise the starsll go away and you’ll
feel right tip top okay now that’ll be
$60 & come bac k in a month to tell me
how much you’ve lost okay

haha but that’s alrightright?
she was unhealthy
&
doctors make you healthy

only her brain cancer maybe, or like, colon
cancer or literally anything other obesity

kills her in about 3 months
bc the **** doctor would only
pretend that she cared
what
was
wrong with Sharol, sweety…,,,

im sharol and so are you and
so is your uncle & so is
your mother, probably
because most of us are “obese”

& the only cure for obesity
is the cure for the term
“obesity” you see