my first step cracked the ground like phyllo pastry / alarms pierced through dense air that struggled to reach my lungs / massive acrid pills fell from the darkening sky / inching closer to me with every second / as if the world was demanding for me to swallow them / my body absorbed lightning faster than it could ever charge through the sky / my heart seized with every glance / so I kept my eyes downcast / settling on a strong smooth obsidian / that rested below the ground / tremors overtook my hands / and I leaped onto the stone.

i often wonder
that i often not
notice the way
one's hands glide
as they touch
things they could not

how they grasp
at things they deem
abhorrent and obnoxious
yet the hunger in clenched
veins is rather obvious
than not

why feed eager pain
with self-loathing
what's there's to gain?
away with mourning.

so i often wonder
that i often not
notice the way
i held my hands
unwilling to let go
when in fact
i could always
could not.

in his limbs i find penance

when he pins me down
                                                     its my mothers hands around my throat
begging
                 for sounds i won’t make
                                                                 praying
                                                                ­                     to be allowed silence  
when we join i know
                                         i hate him  
after we part
                                                              i hate myself

                            solace in the steamed bathroom mirror
                                    hiding the sin from the sinner  
the
        salt
                   of
                          his
                                   pleasure
the
        salt
                   of
                          my
                                   pain
                                                                      washed off together as though
equal

                                                        but

her limbs are absolution  
                                                    ­                                 seek and ye shall find
i am forgiven between her thighs
                                                                               on earth as it is in heaven
the prayer on my tongue meets god
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                                                                her gasp Amen