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Naunie Baltzell Oct 2015
150: "I've never had a fat girlfriend" your now ex-boyfriend explains when questioned about the reason why he said the two of you just won't work. He tells you that "he thinks you're cute, but would be much cuter if you lost a few pounds". His words echo in your brain until eventually insults are the only thing you can force yourself to swallow.

120: Everyone is congratulating you on your extraordinary weight loss, they all want to know your secrets. You don't tell them that every night you're on your knees worshipping the toilet bowl. That the only chocolate you've tasted in months is the chalky, sweetness of the laxatives that you take like a daily vitamin. That you don't allow yourself food until the emptiness inside you threatens to steal your consciousness. Instead, you smile and say "must be good genes".

90: You get into a fight with your mother after she tries to force you to eat dinner with your family. You ate yesterday, this will throw off all the goals you've been striving towards. You no longer know how to survive if you're not destroying yourself in the process.

90: You run into your ex boyfriend at the local Walmart with his new girlfriend. She's heavier than you are, but her eyes still shine like lighthouses, he hasn't gotten to her yet. You try to telepathically tell her to run, to leave while she's still whole, but you know the message gets lost on its way. So you settle for a smile, and a compliment to the figure she still has.

120: It's so hard to live in a society where perfection is unattainable but at the same time required... However, it's not impossible. You are already in recovery, you've made it through the hardest part. It's so much better to be full of food than full of empty wishes.

150: Your new girlfriend whines about how jealous she is of your curves, compares your body to that of an ancient goddess. You hesitantly accept the compliment, still not comfortable with imagining your body as anything other than the curse he made you think it was. Darling, your body is not the curse, your body is the blessing... I'm glad you've finally started treating it as such.
Jennifer Stewart Jul 2015
I blame it on my period, but it's my own lack of self control
I'm trying to get better, so it should start getting easier, shouldn't it?
But that's not how it works, no, not at all.
You still spend every single day consuming calories and wanting to explode.
You may not explode as often any more, but you still loosen your cannons daily.
You try to get buy with just one meal, but that turns into a full fledged feast.
You eat and you eat until you can't anymore, then goto the toilet and let some bombs explode.
But since you're getting better, you don't use up all of your ammo
You leave it hidden away, adding on some extra armor.
Then you wake up, see what all the violence caused you to gain
And you just feel like **** because you no longer come out on top every day.
You're losing battles left and right; and the saddest thing is, you're losing to your own mind.
-j.s
Sweet girl
there is no need to sit in defeat
for you were made to run
not only the race of life but the long distance of forgiveness

Sweet girl
this is not all that there is to your life
the door you choose is but a choice
the correct answer not always in view

Sweet girl
life is full, overflowing with second chances
third chances, forth chances,
the number does not matter

Sweet girl
this is your chance
to love with every fiber of your being
for the reward far outweighs the regret

Sweet girl
I will be here for you
to show you what recovery looks like
as it is better to enter with a friend

And Sweet girl
please remember whose you are
as that is what helps us live everyday
remember the battle is not against flesh and blood

Be gentle with yourself
For me and my fellow ed warriors...keep fighting. The price is far too great. <3
Madeline Janisch Mar 2015
Recovery
A long road
Tough, but
Worth traveling.
Even the worst days in recovery are better than the best days encompassed in an eating disorder.
elijah Dec 2014
She stared at her thighs,
Tears streaming her face,
Wanting to hide,
In an isolated place.

Fatter and fatter,
They grew and grew,
Before her eyes,
Yet nobody knew.

The pain she felt,
As she watched her reflection,
Searching around her,
Wanting protection.

Her heart starts to bleed,
And her bones start to wither,
Her skin loses colour,
She continues to shiver.

The person inside her,
Causing these thoughts,
Distort her reality,
And need to be caught.

She has an illness,
A serious one too,
So please don't ignore it,
Cause next could be you.

So let's raise awareness,
Of these devils inside,
Let's hunt them down,
Leaving nowhere to hide.

Reach out your hand,
Come on, speak out,
We will beat this together,
Lets scream and shout--

To victory at last!
Its been a long time coming,
So many lost lives,
But we're no longer running.

E.M Pearson
Not one of my best poems... I'm very aware of that. This poem was written for the purpose of awareness as oppose to an expression of emotion. Too many people suffer from mental illness and too many of these cases get ignored. Its time to take a stand.

*PLEASE NOTE* The first few stanzas of this poem may be triggering to vulnerable readers.
Clara Oswin May 2014
**** this constant pointless battle
Because all that i ever hear
No matter what i'm doing right or wrong is:

Stupid coward weak and selfish

And at least while i surrendered to the obsession
With ribs and love and hope, perfection
There was a way to win.

But **** this endless battle
I know that i will never be good enough. Not good enough to recover. Not strong enough to be thin. Nothing will ever work so why the **** do i keep trying? **** this. **** it all.

— The End —