150: "I've never had a fat girlfriend" your now ex-boyfriend explains when questioned about the reason why he said the two of you just won't work. He tells you that "he thinks you're cute, but would be much cuter if you lost a few pounds". His words echo in your brain until eventually insults are the only thing you can force yourself to swallow.

120: Everyone is congratulating you on your extraordinary weight loss, they all want to know your secrets. You don't tell them that every night you're on your knees worshipping the toilet bowl. That the only chocolate you've tasted in months is the chalky, sweetness of the laxatives that you take like a daily vitamin. That you don't allow yourself food until the emptiness inside you threatens to steal your consciousness. Instead, you smile and say "must be good genes".

90: You get into a fight with your mother after she tries to force you to eat dinner with your family. You ate yesterday, this will throw off all the goals you've been striving towards. You no longer know how to survive if you're not destroying yourself in the process.

90: You run into your ex boyfriend at the local Walmart with his new girlfriend. She's heavier than you are, but her eyes still shine like lighthouses, he hasn't gotten to her yet. You try to telepathically tell her to run, to leave while she's still whole, but you know the message gets lost on its way. So you settle for a smile, and a compliment to the figure she still has.

120: It's so hard to live in a society where perfection is unattainable but at the same time required... However, it's not impossible. You are already in recovery, you've made it through the hardest part. It's so much better to be full of food than full of empty wishes.

150: Your new girlfriend whines about how jealous she is of your curves, compares your body to that of an ancient goddess. You hesitantly accept the compliment, still not comfortable with imagining your body as anything other than the curse he made you think it was. Darling, your body is not the curse, your body is the blessing... I'm glad you've finally started treating it as such.

I blame it on my period, but it's my own lack of self control
I'm trying to get better, so it should start getting easier, shouldn't it?
But that's not how it works, no, not at all.
You still spend every single day consuming calories and wanting to explode.
You may not explode as often any more, but you still loosen your cannons daily.
You try to get buy with just one meal, but that turns into a full fledged feast.
You eat and you eat until you can't anymore, then goto the toilet and let some bombs explode.
But since you're getting better, you don't use up all of your ammo
You leave it hidden away, adding on some extra armor.
Then you wake up, see what all the violence caused you to gain
And you just feel like **** because you no longer come out on top every day.
You're losing battles left and right; and the saddest thing is, you're losing to your own mind.

Recovery
A long road
Tough, but
Worth traveling.
Even the worst days in recovery are better than the best days encompassed in an eating disorder.

**** this constant pointless battle
Because all that i ever hear
No matter what i'm doing right or wrong is:

Stupid coward weak and selfish

And at least while i surrendered to the obsession
With ribs and love and hope, perfection
There was a way to win.

But **** this endless battle