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 Nov 2017 stephanie
CE
hey boys
 Nov 2017 stephanie
CE
I love repressed boys, depressed boys, not very well dressed boys

tall boys, cool boys, acting like a fool boys

raised christian gone atheistic, nihilistic boys

boys that hate themselves more than I could ever love them,
with a sense of grandeur that would rival narssius himself boys

cold eyed boys that keep knives under their sleeves and I can see the cuts on their fingertips boys

"I could slit your throat right now without a second thought," boys

"I don't love anyone but I love you," boys

I love getting on my knees for that sort of boy

because I'm colder than any of you boys

and I can make you scream in pain and wish that god was listening, boy

big talking boys with an even bigger ego and a whole lot of swagger

I'll make you close that big mouth, boy
 Nov 2017 stephanie
matilda shaye
I want to feel whole but I only
feel like my skin isn't on properly
is there a way to tighten it?
take it off and alter the way it hugs my bones?
it's all a mask and I'm only
trying to figure out how to rip it off.
 Nov 2017 stephanie
CE
sesh robin
 Nov 2017 stephanie
CE
We sat down by the river polluted by discarded cans of *****-
cheap cider that you get for £2.45 when you're lucky enough to find an adult to buy it for you

It smelled like **** and
it made made my sober heart ache

luckily someone came to meet us and brought
mary, mandy, jack, our best friends!

we sold our bodies for their company

it was so ******* worth it

being exploited only takes a second but this life that we've chosen will go on forever,

and **** me if we do it all sober
tw for drug use and brief mention of *** work.
 Sep 2017 stephanie
Barker
Sources
 Sep 2017 stephanie
Barker
That pain that you feel
Will be a source of
Power
That heartache that you have
Will be a source of
Strength
(c)Ibarker
 Sep 2017 stephanie
Poetoftheway
she gave me her cell #,
in a crowded bar
inked upon my forearm,
"in case in my drunkness, I dare forget,"
a common come-on technique,
that reeks of all good things to come

but I failed to see,
in the little letters,
"@ your own peril"

a warning, poorly heeded,
inflaming my now unimaginable
needy neededs,
just a **** come on,
or a warring warning of tumult,
vampirish blood *******?

with cautious haste,
her number I did paste
into my contact list,
'in case of loss, call,'
when sudden notifications galore,
came unbidden from everywhere:

Are you really sure?

these digits seems were posted on a
Do Not Call list,
maintained by monks and bro's,
no, no, not a list of
what-rhymes-with-bro's,
but of fallen angels,
who knew the secrets of heaven

the price extracted for their revealing,
could cause you life long
arthritis of the heart,
per the Surgeon General,
for which the only cure,
endure, endure, endure...

the prize?

endless wonderful new poems, freely given,
but with one strictest of restrictions,
if published,
it meant your slow extinction!

that is why the world calls me
Poet of the Way,
forever trying to find a way,
to away these treasured glories


then one day,
he laughed and laughed,
when he first he read the magic key,
your poem, successfully saved on
Hello Poetry!


and now the poet endures,
even possibly, self-saved,
quite happily
 Sep 2017 stephanie
matilda shaye
I'm polluted with thoughts I don't feel comfortable thinking. I'm searching for an on and off switch, constantly, but I still haven't figured out why the world looks so different when I don't take my medicine so it's hard to imagine cutting my own circulation.
I am a figure of irrationality.
I counteract myself more times than I can count on a daily basis yet math has always been my strong suit. I like right or wrong answers, it's easier when there is no room to debate, but I like to argue more than I like to talk, ask any of my ex-girlfriends.
A guy I knew from high school shot himself in the head on top of a hill behind his parents house on my 20th birthday, for days I only thought about the look on his brothers face when he found the body. everybody described him in different ways, but my only real memory of him was the time I got drunk with him for the first time and I ended up running off a 6 foot wall, I don't have feeling in part of my leg because but for some reason I still wish I could hear his final thoughts plugged into my aux chord in my car so I could listen to them on my way to work and attempt to decipher,
I only want to understand.
Understanding always makes it hurt less but I think that's just because I make excuses for people in order to make myself feel okay.
I learned really early to play dead. It quickly progressed to avoiding mostly everything and using my newfound skill to become invisible. It's all just so morbid now. I talk a lot and smile a lot and enjoy life way too much for somebody who has these thoughts but one of them is surface level; I'm not sure which, I'm sure one day I will though. It's not my place to think or feel any of this, I have no right to reach out to people, but I still firmly believe that I am the owner of all my experiences. I miss feeling nostalgic. I don't care about the past anymore and it's only making me homesick for the times I spent swallowing the noise. It's just so ******* quiet now.

Why did he do that? How did it get so bad?
your brother won't ever be the same but I don't think a lot of us in this god forsaken city will be. is there anything any of us could have done? could you not find the words to ask for help?
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