simply,
i miss you

but it's so much more complicated than that

take away the pain before i close my eyes and tape them shut

life shot me into a direction i wasn't expecting
i grew up wearing dresses, and bows in my hair
but never felt at home in my own skin

i got older, and started hanging out with the boys in my neighborhood
and i realized i was much more like them than my sisters

i didn't feel "pretty"
i felt tough
and rough
and like i just wanted to be somebody else

high school hit, and by this time
i was no longer Heather
i was Trent

and for the first time in my life
i felt like i was me

my mom cried so much
saying "i'm going to miss my little girl so much, but now i finally have a son. i love you"

my dad, on the other hand, he took it differently

he said if i was a boy then that meant he could kick my *** when i had done something wrong

and he did

i never felt like he loved me
even when i was his little girl

i wasn't pretty like my sisters

i was never meant to be that girl i grew up being

nowadays i just can't keep a woman
they say the *** isn't important, but i know it is

and i'm starting to wonder
if i should just be on my own

popularity never mattered much to me
i really just wanted to get through the days unseen
and even now, i feel like i'm constantly hiding
i try not to look in the mirror
so even i won't know i'm there
the only person i ever wanted to see me left and broke me
she took every part of me that mattered and left it shattered
and i don't really care if anyone else ever looks at me again

i wake up
shower
go to work
eat
come home
sleep alone
wake up
shower
go to work
eat
come home
sleep
wake up
drink
go to the bar
drink
buy drinks for the cute girl next to me
get rejected
drink a lot
go home
sleep
sleep
sleep
wake up
but why?

emptiness is the only thing I have left
and sometimes it's hard to know you're even alive when you have nothing

a waste of words
resides inside this
rotting carcass

nothing is not enough to live for

the bottle had become
my comfort
and I allowed myself
to drown

i tried to swim
back up
but your hate
kept pulling
me down

if I hadn't been such a coward
and I'd let my feelings show
maybe then she would remember me

if I hadn't bitten off more than I could chew
maybe I wouldn't have choked
and maybe
just maybe
then she would remember me

if I hadn't burned it to the ground
using her beauty as the flame
and my addictions the gasoline
maybe then she would remember me
fondly

who is stellar notions?

if only I knew

full of rapid emotions

just as angry as you

riding black oceans

with no land in view

I'll just keep my devotions

as a secret

or two

I've been gone for so long
I can't remember who I was
before I turned to this