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the wallflower Feb 2018
" I see my altoids box where i used to keep my razor blades and pins . I see the empty space where my door used to hang . I see my empty wall that used to be full of vibrant possibilities . I see my broken mirror . I see my self inflicted wounds "
" I can touch my chest and feel my heart beating rapidly beneath it . I can touch my collar bone that is jutting out of my body . I can touch the pens that write my words when I cannot speak them . I can touch my tears that are falling down my face . "
" I can hear voices that are telling me to commit ***** crimes . I can hear mice scurrying through my walls . i can hear my brothers sound asleep . "
" I can smell my mixture of perfumes . I can smell blood from my arms . "
" I can taste salt water leaking from my eyes "
call . at least try
the wallflower May 2018
It doesnt matter why i was there
What mattered was the lack of life in the plastic grass
The absense of smiles amonst my peers
The apperance of midnight blue in the rim of our undereyes
The ache in whats left in the rest of my heart

The nurses were rude
Sent us to bed without dinner , if scraps of cereal and old meat could be a substitute
We were scolded for our imperfections and nuances
So we left learning to not save anything for special occasions
Me being alive is a miracle alone
i can see my ribs
the wallflower Apr 2018
I tend to let my heart
Be the best impression of a target
While objects of resentment
Shoot from afar again
I’m asked “what has been eating at you ?”
“depression is a hungry *******”
I don’t want to be the one to end in disaster
And when you leave and I don’t feel the sting
If you piercing my heart open clean
My conscious will scream
You didn’t . Even . Try
So I ask why
Why even stay
Why did you lie
Why even ask
When you weren’t expecting a reply
Sometimes my depression can attempt to hurt me and then it just ***** up . Ravioli ravioli I’m super depressedioli
the wallflower Mar 2018
i don't understand how i can feel so strongly for you when i don't even have enough willpower to get out of bed . and i don't know what its like to truly be committed to someone but i do know what it feels like to have someone you might possibly love taken away from you . i know what its like to be sitting in chair and having to listen to my parents say im not allowed to see him anymore . and if i cried , i would be beat . and i was beaten . because i cried . to the point i couldn't see . i was so sore from being hit that i have a limp today . but if love is this painful , i would do it all over again if it means being able to keep you as a person alone . this world is hell . and i'm sorry for making yours worse
i get crap for using love to freely in poems . but at least i have insight on the subject compared to the buffoons who throw it around like a slab of meat
the wallflower Mar 2018
Everyday is always the same
The clocks never seem to change
I have trapped myself inside
A purley psychotic paradise

Clad in red , i lay dead roses on mommas grave
I think the doctors killed her because she was going insane
And whenever someone accidentally touches me , it rarely happens
They run away screaming , acting like paranoia is radioactive

And it makes me sad to have no friends worthy to ****
Constantly offering dead poppies and drooping daffodils
They help replenish the empty void im trying to fill
But what needs to be refilled is my bottle of antipsychotic ****** bin pills

So when i skip through town hearing people spewing wrath
I run into a man accidentally blocking his path
He is the only person who hasn't looked at me like an infected rat
And the handsome man smiles and says " Your a beautiful psychopath"
some of the greatest lessons were taught through madness
the wallflower Mar 2018
Heartbreaks
A real thing
Whether its accepted in societies book of nonchalaunt figurines or not
And it hurts just like a broken arm , or a broken leg
However the pain tends to linger a bit longer
With broken hearts comes wholesome sadness
In its full force
Until it tips over your tear bucket and your depression comes in oceans
And it's hard to explain
Because it seems that your audience is choosing to be the brain over the heart
Unfair but utterly typical
And you sitting alone in your room
Unmoving
Because pins and needles have become as common as air
And to commit yourself to your heartbreak
Seems equivalent to laying your vulnerabilities bare
So you try to have a mindset like your deaf audience and you say
" Its gravity that's been getting me down "
But you have been down ...
So where are you now ?
Only emotional tears make your eyes swollen because they are the only type of tear that produces that amount of salt , and it sad because mine have been swollen to the point that i can't see
the wallflower Sep 2018
I think I loved you way before you realize
And I’m not sure if it’s a sin
To of hidden such a precise feeling
Especially when you had returned the favor
Far before the stars met the moon
For love to still be so new to me
Like a fresh open wound
You stared at my wishes
As if you could make them come true
What a wish I pondered upon
For such a long time
My truest love , you are now mine
It’s torture being in love
the wallflower Mar 2018
It's one thing to have suicidal thoughts
Its an entire different story to be committed to them
It's one thing to say " i'm going to **** myself "
It's another thing to actually take your own life
Every 40 seconds someone commits suicide
No single person should ever attempt to die on purpose
I know very well how it feels to want to die
To want to just disappear and be done with sadness
Nobody chooses to feel this way
They are forced , i am forced to deal with what i feel
So why am i getting **** for my chemical imbalances?
if i have no control over when they come and the power that they come in ?
It takes guts to purposely harm yourself
Which means something bigger , stronger
Is causing you to believe that this is the only way out
Everything that your trying isnt seeming to work
Which means you dug your self a pretty deep holee
And only you have the ability to get yourself out
So you need to try harder
Alot harder
Because obviously the old ways were not working
They weren't working for a reason
Stop trying to be like everyone else
Your special for a purpose
You are a beautiful painting
And you were hung crooked ON PURPOSE
Don't fall victim to your unwellness
t h e r e i s c o m f o r t i n t h e p a n i c
the wallflower Mar 2018
I never knew quite what triggers were
What they could make you feel , let alone what they make you do
I knew i had depression , severe depression
That was obvious
But i never realized the word Depression was a trigger
Anytime i see it in an article or hear it in a song
I can vividly sense my heart beating faster than normal
Can feel it slithering away from the source of that ****** word
However when i say it , nothing
I feel nothing that i havent felt before
So i never tried to avoid this word that provoked me
Never did anything to somewhat fix this labored breathing
Never called for help when my eyes were bleeding salt water
Salt water that stung my cuts , stung the incision on my heart
Sliced because every time i knew i couldnt handle any more
I pushed more hurt to my hurting
I never knew quite what triggers were
But if i knew living would be this hard
I wouldnt of put in the effort
I look at broken things like i can fix them , and i've caught myself staring at the world
the wallflower May 2018
I've decided that I'm done with love
No more pitying people
No more putting others before myself
Obviously the absence of everybody I cared about
Is proof that they were never intending to ******* stay
I'm done pretending that I'm just some sympathetic simmering fool
Yes I do care about people
But I genuinely stop the moment they disrespect the way I feel
And the ways I deal with how I feel
I don't want to spend the rest of my life surrounded by mute ghosts
I just want to help speechless angels
I haven't posted in awhile, and man ive gone through two notebooks full of tearful nights and whatnot but, enjoy
the wallflower Mar 2018
my darling
you are not an inconvenience to the world
this world is an inconvenience to you


my darling
you are not a bad person
this world is just judgemental


my darling
you don't create problems for yourself
life just *****
if life was a person , i think it would of ended itself awhile ago because of how ****** it is
the wallflower Feb 2018
My immune system is ****
Although , so is my mental system
Everything about me is ****
Even my head feels full of it
Screwdrivers are being impaled into my temples
My breakfast is making its way out of my body through my mouth
The lights in the room seem as bright as the sun
All sounds are heightens to oblivion
And i'm angry , irritable
" Sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head "
My migraine is quite annoying right now
the wallflower Sep 2018
If my soul was a stream on Spotify
It would never get any play
Mainly because I display what most
SEEM to portray
But when the doors are closed
And you are all alone
Feelings create downpour
And you cry tears you wish...
you had shown
I relapsed again last night and it seems like nothing is changing yet everything is moving so quickly
the wallflower Feb 2018
Nothing kills man faster than his own head
Am i alive or is this just living dead ?
Convoluted discussions with the strangers in attendance
Im trying to tell you whats wrong but my mental is just bleeding lead

My soles hurt from walking , im a forsaken nomad
Im not the only only grieving here , even my shoes look sad
Im back in control of my mind
But my words are still mixed up (NOT)
Im thinking what i mean
But im saying lies that will probaly get me caught
I will most likely never be what you see on the inside
My body , this system is good at telling lies
Are you aware that we bleed the same ?
We both struggle with semiternal pain
And looks of disdain ….

To be continued ….
Unfinished Ode
the wallflower Mar 2018
Hate is a disgusting feeling
Booms of disdainful words sound in echos
Doors slamming shut
Breaking the bridge we kept for each other
Foul tongued beasts
Sniping sentiments laced in cruelty
A mind acting on resentment
A mouth acting on molten anger
However a heart with a lack of empathy
Strains to keep from cutting ties
Bonded so thoroughly
Woven so tight
That only a feeling strong enough could alter them
Let alone sever them
This feeling is hate
i hate hating and i hate being hated . why did ******* eve have to eat that ****** apple
the wallflower Mar 2018
It is raining
The sky is crying
Above its gloomy
And the drought is dying


It is raining
The ground is wet
Below its colder
Posing a threat


It is raining
And i am crying
But no one sees
Cause i'm good at hiding


Raining it is
I am done trying
To rid of the storm
That my heart keeps finding
upon rain comes blue
take that as you please
the wallflower Mar 2018
I'm giving up on hope and happiness . juggling depression and isolation on a tightrope made me fall. im realizing i was hiding from the fact because i was frightened . i knew i felt it when our knees and foreheads touched at the same exact time . And you kissed me . You kissed ME not me with my scars . You have always accepted me for me . i get **** for using love to openly in my poems . And when my little brother asks me in the midst of my tears " do you love him ?"
and even if every teacher i ever had was screaming at me to say " NO " i tapped my heart once , twice and said " i feel him . in here " and you said you liked me for me . And i look at broken things like i can fix them . And i caught myself staring at you . So i took it upon myself to heal you . However i feel like my healing is a lot like radiation therapy . I'm killing you while healing you . And when i admit to myself that i feel love for you , my heart starts to bend . bracing for impact . Because its supposed to hurt . But my dearest alchemist . No matter what please try to maintain the sentiment that i'm hoping to tattoo to your mental so you will never forget " there is a reason your still alive " and i am going to make this promise to you " If i could i would **** every insecurity that told you that you weren't enough " ....... i also realized something else , i think about you more often than sometimes
the world needs to stop buying artificial happiness for everyone on a maxed out credit card
the wallflower Feb 2018
There are times at the eve of dawn
When im ripped from sleep
To add clues to what i'm pondering upon
Why does my heart always seem to strain ?
Drowning in guilt and isolated pain
Singing myself odes to soothe my fears
Fears of dying as death creeps near
I feel a smile beginning to form
But its at the deep depths of my soul
Made this way because my subconscious took a toll
Im standing atop of a trapdoor
With the lever in my hand
Given to me because my demons knew i had a plan
I find myself debating to flip the switch
That will send me plummeting into a dark and filthy ditch
I've been struggling for awhile now , why make it worse ?
Why cause my parents pain as they stare at my casket through an X-Ray hearse
Do i truly want to be a potential casualty
Or do i just want to live a life away from personal tragedies?
I feel my conscious wearing thin , my liver will handle what my heart cannot
the wallflower May 2018
I, Too, Sing Sadness
I, Too am depressed
I am the neglected one
They tell me i have no problems
When i am too sad to do anything
But i cannot help it
And i abhor my scars
And yet i continue to create them
Tomorrow
I'll be more sad than yesterday
When they ask me why , and i answer truthfully
Nobody’ll dare
Say to me
“ What is wrong “
Then
I, Too , Sing Sadness
i havent posted in awhile , oh well
the wallflower Apr 2018
Life is reality except when it's a dream
And I'm not sure if this is who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to cope with the rope strangling my thoughts
I'm afraid of the stranger I see across
I want to play the activist
And bluntly remove lives untruthful bliss
Even happiness is an object created by people
Who envisioned life with ghastliness
And when I approach a corpse of what my future was supposed to be
I can feel my heart running. Fleeing & receding
Bending but purging black truths that I shoved into my chamber of a heart
Because I wouldn't let myself feel the warmth of artificial joy
I crushed it away because I didn't want the pain to overcome me and destroy
Taking over my mental
Infected with the rare disease called  “I don't want to live anymore”
And the doctor gave me medication supplements of hope
That she probably found at a drugstore
And acquaintances wonder why trust is not in my vocabulary
It has to be a real thing, not imaginary
And it kills me to forget
Treating everyone in ways that I regret
I've started suffocating on my bed sheets
From throwing them over me to often to conceal the questions
However, I'll play a cassette telling of my “whys?”
Why do my insides ache ever when I moved to divert?
Fallen angel, your heart is supposed to hurt
I wrote this originally in google docs which is why the format is so whack. But it means a great deal to me and evenly defines what my issues feel like on the inside. Enjoy & please let me know of your thoughts
the wallflower Feb 2018
I feel like when i ask for assistance from someone else
Its so easy for them to come up with something to tell me
And its genuine
I feel like the world is moving on without me
I'm getting stares for crying but this is how i break
However when something tragic happens to someone else
Im now joined by these sad souls
The world is barley realizing that everyone bleeds the same
Painfully
I've been down here in this ditch for awhile now
Why is it that i'm being joined by everyone else all of sudden
Apparently everyone is finding their humanity
Finding that they aren't mindless zombies
We all have feelings
The world is just prone to being unhappy
the wallflower Feb 2018
There is no point in living
When we are all going to die anyway
That is the statement I'm choosing to live by
Remember what I'm about to say
"Lying is all I've learned¨
Mr.Credulous, if I said I would live for you
With nothing in return
You should be concerned
#lifesucks
the wallflower May 2018
entwine your heart with mine
listen to me when i cry
press your ear to my screams
extend your voice to the cellar of my mind
experience my pain
run your fingers along my self inflicted scars
see the story beneath each and everyone one of them
breathe my troubles
swim in my stress
scrape your nails on my weary bones
crawl in the hollows of my eyes
understand that i am what i am
and there is nothing more that i can do
but to accept myself it
im so sad right now
the wallflower Feb 2018
Never apologize for feeling to recklessly
Some of the greatest lessons were taught through madness
Never ! EVER apologize ..
the wallflower Mar 2018
Im counting down the ways to go
Days until my mental mess ups will rob my youth
Without permission it took my hair
It took my future
It is taking ME away from my family
But cancer cant give anything back
My bone frame and withering marrow
Causing me to be a flower that refuses to grow
I'm stuck in an underland of sterile sheets and life monitors
On repeat...
Until a day comes by when the sun hadn't yet arose
And the failing use of my heart leaps while it tries to restart
The watchdog that kept tabs on my life starts to screech
Nurses rush in and attempt CPR
Punching their way to my receding heart
When i was alive
The most sad thing i encountered was the fact that ice cream was bottemless
That was when i realized there was nothing they could do
Ice Cream cant save lives !
Yet the nurses had the audacity to ask  "One more ?"
Arsenals of shots and tests
For nothing
Terminal cancer is a hateful coward
dedicated to the families who lost loved ones to cancer . my heart is with yours
the wallflower Mar 2018
Seeing others in pain
Is as hard as seeing yourself the exact same way
Seeing the one you love with looks of disdain
At the failing use of a razorblade
Agony all hurts the same
I wish there was another way
To avoid unwashable stains
Stains of lines
Lines of red
Red leaking down
From our arms that previously bled
Seeing others self harm is always harder than seeing yourself commit to those same desires . But no matter the situation , it still hurts the same
the wallflower Mar 2018
If i cut open my insides and looked at my heart
Im having a feeling that it would be struggling to pump blood
I think it would be black and blue and oozing a thick substance
If i cut open my wrists
And peered inside
I think that all of my insecrities would spill out
All my problems and things i bottle up would all run loose
And i would lie there motionless
Because i have no happiness
All i live off of is my depression and tears
And now they are free and so am i
If i cut open my brain
And took a walk inside
I believe i would find lots of horrifying and gory things
I would find memories about myself fanasizing over suicide
Find memories of slitting open my wrist three inches wide
Find memories of endless tearfilled nights
I think i would begin to discover that i might really be dying
Or going insane
Or possibliy both
Becuzz what kind of person dwells in agonizing depression
And loaths in non existant happiness
A person that talks to herself for companionship
A person that would be more than willing to jump out of a moving vechile
With tiny children present
A lunatic broken person that who
i **** at poetry
the wallflower Mar 2018
"And how does that make you feel ?"
I swear if you ask me that one more ******* time
I will lose my  head and then i'll lose my mind
Don't pretend you care for a whole 60 minutes
Because I know when you look at me all you see is a dollar sign
The more you ask me , my demons get louder
Must be lucky cause you only have to deal with me for an hour

"And what brings you to these feelings ?"
Nothing , I feel nothing
But in fact there's a lack of emotion in the back
My heart is combusting I feel like it's going to crack
But **** that and *******
I don't even know why im explaining from my point of view

"Is there anything triggering these emotions?"
Im leaving , Im walking out the door
Take your pills back i don't need them anymore
Little capsules i've been known to abhor
I'm done being your test subject to answer for
i think therapists make so much money on everybody else's problems . Like i tell them " i feel like a waste of achievement" and they put me on some ******* antidepressants instead of being a human being and actually talking about it . They preach insanity and then expect our weekly salary ?!
the wallflower Mar 2018
We fill our brains
With thoughts and things
Remembering subjects nobody cares about
Join hands with the moon
And become bestfriends with your doubt
Its been said " You cant fly with wings of uncertainty "
Then explain my existence
Prove my heights  
I've been flying without wings at all
Don't tell me your words hurt less than hitting the ground
I've been soaring with no hope , no strive
However miraculously
I'm still alive
Even my short stories about winter days seem too realistic for anyone and everyone that tends to sugarcoat their definition on what life should be ;-;
the wallflower May 2018
Grab fiercely
the heart slowly fading
                              a wondrous, yet sickening state of mind
                                 a beautiful yet wicked woman
                                                  dying faith
                                              pierce the bones
                                              with four points
                                       a bargain no longer
"mom and dad had no right she screams the anger runs down both of her cheeks"
the wallflower Mar 2018
sadness
it sometimes makes me want to puke
the hands of agony push against my insides
palms of brutality fiercely grip my heart to the point of pain
proof of my internal torment fall from my eyelids
smelling of oceans , salty salty oceans
the devil strums dismal chords on my rib cages
and more proof of my internal torment fall from great heights
my brain is no use to me
for all it sent me were harrowing memories of my abhorrent past
my fingers twinge from gripping my chest too tightly
my neck aches from hanging it limply
hanging because it had been carrying my broken fractures for some time now
i don't want to feel the shadows of my monsters writhe around me
i don't want to be the nail in my casket
not anymore
but i've been buried alive
and the pressure of unearthly sorrows are drowning me
my depression is starting to bother me ... immensely
the wallflower Feb 2018
Im fine
Wait come back
Im so very far from fine
These contacts hold back my tears
These long sleeves hide my scars
This filter keeps my sadness on a leash
And these needles keep my heart from falling apart
These thoughs , this mind always so dismal
“ Happiness is a hero “ but my pain is ever so abysmal
Nobody feels what i feel
But at the same time nobody seems to reveal
Whats going on inside
So how are we going to know when your horrors decide to collide ?
My monsters seem to be my only companion
They relieve the pain of feeling abandoned
But they hide the purpose that attemps to surface
Trying to delay what my heart seems to portray
But i am a cold soul and i continue to replenish
My basket of bad vibes that never seems to perish
Listen to the sentiments i repeatatly blare
“ I will disown you at once before i decide that i care “
Saying that statment makes me feel manic
I want to let go but there is comfort in the panic
Just like that i have lost everyone i hold dear
Just when i noticed that my happiness was beginning to appear
But when the moons goes away the sun comes out to play
So i will continue to try for the happiness
That my mind keeps trying to betray
" Oh course i'll be here again . I'll see you tomorrow but it's the end of today . End of my ways as a walking denial , my trial was filed as a crazy suicidal headcase .... " -tøp
the wallflower Mar 2018
The difference between intimacy and lust
Love and tenderness
Lines so fine that they are difficult to proceed over
I don't lie to myself about why i break to tears
When you press your lips to my scars
And say that i am more than my mistakes
I don't pretend that i don't miss the heat of your embrace
When i am alone in a dark abyss of loneliness
The look in your eye when you see my fresh ****** mistakes
Embarked in my skin , gruesomely
And you look at them , like you have healing in your eyes
Thinking that the harder you look
The less pain i feel
I still want to die as i tangle my limbs with you
Still want to cry when you brush your tongue over my teeth
Still want to drift off to hell when you tell me to rest
I loved you
Way before my demons decided to make an appearance on my body
It doesn't matter who i am
Who i was
But who i am with you
Is what matters the most to me
Because when you turn away from me
Forgetting all we went through together
All the endless sticky nights entwined on the sofa
All the brisk winter days snuggled in the car
Your absence will be more noticeable
Than ANY of my wounds
I believe that lust is a blind version of love . You want the person so badly that your acting on your desires , but what about the other feelings you choose to ignore . I also believe that depressed people love the best
the wallflower Mar 2018
This is how my angel cries
This is how my heart breaks
This is how i show my pain
This is how i dodge the rain
Please send me poem ideas to my inbox @401118@kcusd.net
I need more !
the wallflower Dec 2019
When the sun makes the rolling hills its grave
The sun turns from a screaming orange
To a midnight blue
I feel in myself, a remembrance
A piece of who I am is sparked
Like flint on steel
A part of me feels at peace
While the rest pours emotions
Dreams seem achievable
Goals seem reachable
Segments of my mind excite
Motivation once buried, is now alive
I can breathe deeply
I see the world, not corrupt
But thriving while conducting undeniable hardships
As I look at the night sky
It becomes clear to me
That sometimes you need a little bit of silence and patience
To see the good in things
This neutral feeling of peace lasted only a little while. I decided to take advantage of it while it lasted
the wallflower Mar 2018
A poetess sleep is non-existent without
Analyzing
                 Decoding
Rephrasing
      Ticking
My mind is poetically undisturbed
Until the morning dawn breaks the surface of a midnight blue
A pen turns into a harpoon
And a poem forms from the gloom
up like an insomniac
the wallflower Mar 2018
When people expect the worst from you
It's really truly hard to maintain a positive attitude
So then you start presenting what their expecting
And it's so **** hard to keep those tears from slipping down your face
Because your parents have the audacity
To tell you that you make more mistakes
Compared to how many times you have made them smile
And you regret choosing to live at home  
You regret living in general
Because living is difficult
But people told you that you were strong and you believed them
You believed the pretty poisoned lies they told you
To make you feel like a better person
And you said “ your right , i can do this “
And that was that
But you noticed the more people know about how your feeling
The more pain you feel
So you stop
You stop showing what the sadness is doing to you on the outside
On the inside
And you somehow get away with it
Until your psychiatrist asks how you're doing and you can't keep it in anymore
You tell her that mountains of painkillers and antidepressants
Are beckoning to you sweetly
You play around with your wording because you want to be remembered
With a sense of humor before you die
And she calls your mother in
And she cries
Because the daughter she gave birth to doesn't even want it
But she understands!
She understands your pain because your own mother is dealing with some of her own
They call security
They call the paramedics
They come into the room that your in and you look away
The officer says “ You have a whole life to live “
You smirk and a single tear falls down your face as you chuckle
“ This isn't living “
Your mother ***** in a breath and lets out a thundering sob
She pulls you into a bone crushing hug and you tell her that your sorry
And as you repeat the overused sentiment you wonder what your sorry for
If your even truly sorry
Please help me understand …
Your sorry for making someone feel bad because you feel worse ?
Your sorry because you feel mocked by people that tell you to get over it
When they happen to not give a single thought EVER about anyone but themselves
And my person inside me begs for me to scream  “YOU HAVEN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH !”
No
They haven't
While the sun arises each and every morning for the blessed and humble
Your sun hasn't risen for years now
Instead a plastic and artificial version of what the sun should be ascends into your day
And shines in your eyes and taunts you
It laughs at you because YOU have more scars than friends
YOU can't go places alone because your suicidal tendencies screams louder
Than your mother yelling from the outside of the ambulance
“YOUR GOING TO BE OKAY!”
And you wave
You wave your hand to your mother as your taken to a wretched place
That throws you out worse than the way you were when you walked in
One month passes
Your home
But your parents are treating you like polypropylene
Tough enough to still be parented
But still weak , still a bit vulnerable
Six months pass
You become a ***
You make relationships with people
Because they make you feel good about yourself
And you foolishly get attached
Because your addicted to the feeling you get when they leave
Heart Wrenching sadness
Your so accustomed to it
And you think that the taste of salty tears would grow old
But depression comes in all different flavors
And when they bid you farewell
You promise yourself , no more
No more people
Just focus on yourself
But there is nothing to focus on
Because your so ******* broken that only the pieces of your shattered heart remain
And it's hard to explain what's going on inside your tangled mind
Your not even allowed to be okay when your not okay
Not allowed to smile in the midst of your tragedy
Because everybody is expecting you to be this sad piece of nothing
So when your anything and everything your not
You get **** for it
You’ve been getting **** for it
To this day you hide how you feel because the truth is to abhorrent to bear
Anytime you say that you don't want to do this anymore
Society says “ Your lying “
And you feed yourself lies
You tell yourself that your not enough
That you have never been enough
You never meet anybody's expectations
And you lean towards believing
That disappointment is just another form of terror
To cause trauma to what's left of your heart
And the worst thing about being a disappointment
Is the lack of trust from other people
They don't expect you to be there for them
Because the silence you were unknowingly feeding them is causing them to choke
And then everybody is gone
And you're to blame
YOUR TO BLAME
And you wonder and ponder upon ways to fix your heart
But it's not that easy
You need tools to fix something that is broken
Everyone who loved you were your tools
Tools no longer
You were the heavy lifter
You carried your overweight broken heart because ironically
You were the only one with that type of strength
So now your learning not to put it on the line
The hard way
Your lugging it behind you tied to a string because it fell off your shoulder
And you start to realize that absence makes the heart grow fonder
And that confuses you
Because its dead
Or so you thought
No matter how broken it is …
Your heart is the only thing that wont give up on you mentally
“If i could i would **** every insecurity that told you that you weren't enough “
remember how we forgot . no on really died in the wars we fought
the wallflower Mar 2018
i believe there is no remedy for a broken heart
it is something you have to get used to
the lingering sting of an open incision
the hollowness inside from your absence
and i thought i couldn't take  anymore damage
that i was already a try and fail test subject
but apparently i don't get the liberty to make those decisions on my own
i cant drown my demons
they know how to swim
i want to die
the wallflower Mar 2018
Sounds of screeching rhythms sounds inside a dungeon of a mind
Am i hallucinating or am i sleeping fine ?
Prisoners banging drums , revels to the night
Souls flying high completely free of fright
But plummeting back down to the safety of your bed
Your heart will fall slower than it previously bled
Don't pursue your dismal chords
Dont fake being happy with a heart that is scorned
Do! Commit pen to paper
Let your feelings erode the jagged edges of your heart
Turn your skin inside out if it means showing who you really are
Because who you are on the inside
Is a soul that has been trying to try
This poem is called " Tissue Box " because i could NOT find a title for it so i started looking around the room for an idea and i came up staring at a tissue box . True story :) enjoy
the wallflower Feb 2018
an unavoidable point in time that is destined to happen again
for the good, or for the bad
it can be a positive outcome
or it can end with an adolescent being embraced in the arms of death
temptations to inflict injury upon him/herself
cravings so unsustainable that you are forced to sit on your palms
just to simply resist the urge to bring that dangerous piece of metal
forth to your skin
nauseous , swinging dizzy heads
gunfire racketing inside my cell some people call a mind
i'm sorry for what i have done
inevitable relapse is unavoidable

— The End —