I think I loved you way before you realize
And I’m not sure if it’s a sin
To of hidden such a precise feeling
Especially when you had returned the favor
Far before the stars met the moon
For love to still be so new to me
Like a fresh open wound
You stared at my wishes
As if you could make them come true
What a wish I pondered upon
For such a long time
My truest love , you are now mine

I've decided that I'm done with love
No more pitying people
No more putting others before myself
Obviously the absence of everybody I cared about
Is proof that they were never intending to ******* stay
I'm done pretending that I'm just some sympathetic simmering fool
Yes I do care about people
But I genuinely stop the moment they disrespect the way I feel
And the ways I deal with how I feel
I don't want to spend the rest of my life surrounded by mute ghosts
I just want to help speechless angels

i believe there is no remedy for a broken heart
it is something you have to get used to
the lingering sting of an open incision
the hollowness inside from your absence
and i thought i couldn't take  anymore damage
that i was already a try and fail test subject
but apparently i don't get the liberty to make those decisions on my own
i cant drown my demons
they know how to swim

sadness
it sometimes makes me want to puke
the hands of agony push against my insides
palms of brutality fiercely grip my heart to the point of pain
proof of my internal torment fall from my eyelids
smelling of oceans , salty salty oceans
the devil strums dismal chords on my rib cages
and more proof of my internal torment fall from great heights
my brain is no use to me
for all it sent me were harrowing memories of my abhorrent past
my fingers twinge from gripping my chest too tightly
my neck aches from hanging it limply
hanging because it had been carrying my broken fractures for some time now
i don't want to feel the shadows of my monsters writhe around me
i don't want to be the nail in my casket
not anymore
but i've been buried alive
and the pressure of unearthly sorrows are drowning me

We fill our brains
With thoughts and things
Remembering subjects nobody cares about
Join hands with the moon
And become bestfriends with your doubt
Its been said " You cant fly with wings of uncertainty "
Then explain my existence
Prove my heights  
I've been flying without wings at all
Don't tell me your words hurt less than hitting the ground
I've been soaring with no hope , no strive
However miraculously
I'm still alive

i don't understand how i can feel so strongly for you when i don't even have enough willpower to get out of bed . and i don't know what its like to truly be committed to someone but i do know what it feels like to have someone you might possibly love taken away from you . i know what its like to be sitting in chair and having to listen to my parents say im not allowed to see him anymore . and if i cried , i would be beat . and i was beaten . because i cried . to the point i couldn't see . i was so sore from being hit that i have a limp today . but if love is this painful , i would do it all over again if it means being able to keep you as a person alone . this world is hell . and i'm sorry for making yours worse

If i cut open my insides and looked at my heart
Im having a feeling that it would be struggling to pump blood
I think it would be black and blue and oozing a thick substance
If i cut open my wrists
And peered inside
I think that all of my insecrities would spill out
All my problems and things i bottle up would all run loose
And i would lie there motionless
Because i have no happiness
All i live off of is my depression and tears
And now they are free and so am i
If i cut open my brain
And took a walk inside
I believe i would find lots of horrifying and gory things
I would find memories about myself fanasizing over suicide
Find memories of slitting open my wrist three inches wide
Find memories of endless tearfilled nights
I think i would begin to discover that i might really be dying
Or going insane
Or possibliy both
Becuzz what kind of person dwells in agonizing depression
And loaths in non existant happiness
A person that talks to herself for companionship
A person that would be more than willing to jump out of a moving vechile
With tiny children present
A lunatic broken person that who

When people expect the worst from you
It's really truly hard to maintain a positive attitude
So then you start presenting what their expecting
And it's so **** hard to keep those tears from slipping down your face
Because your parents have the audacity
To tell you that you make more mistakes
Compared to how many times you have made them smile
And you regret choosing to live at home  
You regret living in general
Because living is difficult
But people told you that you were strong and you believed them
You believed the pretty poisoned lies they told you
To make you feel like a better person
And you said “ your right , i can do this “
And that was that
But you noticed the more people know about how your feeling
The more pain you feel
So you stop
You stop showing what the sadness is doing to you on the outside
On the inside
And you somehow get away with it
Until your psychiatrist asks how you're doing and you can't keep it in anymore
You tell her that mountains of painkillers and antidepressants
Are beckoning to you sweetly
You play around with your wording because you want to be remembered
With a sense of humor before you die
And she calls your mother in
And she cries
Because the daughter she gave birth to doesn't even want it
But she understands!
She understands your pain because your own mother is dealing with some of her own
They call security
They call the paramedics
They come into the room that your in and you look away
The officer says “ You have a whole life to live “
You smirk and a single tear falls down your face as you chuckle
“ This isn't living “
Your mother ***** in a breath and lets out a thundering sob
She pulls you into a bone crushing hug and you tell her that your sorry
And as you repeat the overused sentiment you wonder what your sorry for
If your even truly sorry
Please help me understand …
Your sorry for making someone feel bad because you feel worse ?
Your sorry because you feel mocked by people that tell you to get over it
When they happen to not give a single thought EVER about anyone but themselves
And my person inside me begs for me to scream  “YOU HAVEN'T SUFFERED ENOUGH !”
No
They haven't
While the sun arises each and every morning for the blessed and humble
Your sun hasn't risen for years now
Instead a plastic and artificial version of what the sun should be ascends into your day
And shines in your eyes and taunts you
It laughs at you because YOU have more scars than friends
YOU can't go places alone because your suicidal tendencies screams louder
Than your mother yelling from the outside of the ambulance
“YOUR GOING TO BE OKAY!”
And you wave
You wave your hand to your mother as your taken to a wretched place
That throws you out worse than the way you were when you walked in
One month passes
Your home
But your parents are treating you like polypropylene
Tough enough to still be parented
But still weak , still a bit vulnerable
Six months pass
You become a ***
You make relationships with people
Because they make you feel good about yourself
And you foolishly get attached
Because your addicted to the feeling you get when they leave
Heart Wrenching sadness
Your so accustomed to it
And you think that the taste of salty tears would grow old
But depression comes in all different flavors
And when they bid you farewell
You promise yourself , no more
No more people
Just focus on yourself
But there is nothing to focus on
Because your so ******* broken that only the pieces of your shattered heart remain
And it's hard to explain what's going on inside your tangled mind
Your not even allowed to be okay when your not okay
Not allowed to smile in the midst of your tragedy
Because everybody is expecting you to be this sad piece of nothing
So when your anything and everything your not
You get **** for it
You’ve been getting **** for it
To this day you hide how you feel because the truth is to abhorrent to bear
Anytime you say that you don't want to do this anymore
Society says “ Your lying “
And you feed yourself lies
You tell yourself that your not enough
That you have never been enough
You never meet anybody's expectations
And you lean towards believing
That disappointment is just another form of terror
To cause trauma to what's left of your heart
And the worst thing about being a disappointment
Is the lack of trust from other people
They don't expect you to be there for them
Because the silence you were unknowingly feeding them is causing them to choke
And then everybody is gone
And you're to blame
YOUR TO BLAME
And you wonder and ponder upon ways to fix your heart
But it's not that easy
You need tools to fix something that is broken
Everyone who loved you were your tools
Tools no longer
You were the heavy lifter
You carried your overweight broken heart because ironically
You were the only one with that type of strength
So now your learning not to put it on the line
The hard way
Your lugging it behind you tied to a string because it fell off your shoulder
And you start to realize that absence makes the heart grow fonder
And that confuses you
Because its dead
Or so you thought
No matter how broken it is …
Your heart is the only thing that wont give up on you mentally
“If i could i would **** every insecurity that told you that you weren't enough “

I never knew quite what triggers were
What they could make you feel , let alone what they make you do
I knew i had depression , severe depression
That was obvious
But i never realized the word Depression was a trigger
Anytime i see it in an article or hear it in a song
I can vividly sense my heart beating faster than normal
Can feel it slithering away from the source of that ****** word
However when i say it , nothing
I feel nothing that i havent felt before
So i never tried to avoid this word that provoked me
Never did anything to somewhat fix this labored breathing
Never called for help when my eyes were bleeding salt water
Salt water that stung my cuts , stung the incision on my heart
Sliced because every time i knew i couldnt handle any more
I pushed more hurt to my hurting
I never knew quite what triggers were
But if i knew living would be this hard
I wouldnt of put in the effort

It's one thing to have suicidal thoughts
Its an entire different story to be committed to them
It's one thing to say " i'm going to **** myself "
It's another thing to actually take your own life
Every 40 seconds someone commits suicide
No single person should ever attempt to die on purpose
I know very well how it feels to want to die
To want to just disappear and be done with sadness
Nobody chooses to feel this way
They are forced , i am forced to deal with what i feel
So why am i getting **** for my chemical imbalances?
if i have no control over when they come and the power that they come in ?
It takes guts to purposely harm yourself
Which means something bigger , stronger
Is causing you to believe that this is the only way out
Everything that your trying isnt seeming to work
Which means you dug your self a pretty deep holee
And only you have the ability to get yourself out
So you need to try harder
Alot harder
Because obviously the old ways were not working
They weren't working for a reason
Stop trying to be like everyone else
Your special for a purpose
You are a beautiful painting
And you were hung crooked ON PURPOSE
Don't fall victim to your unwellness

" I see my altoids box where i used to keep my razor blades and pins . I see the empty space where my door used to hang . I see my empty wall that used to be full of vibrant possibilities . I see my broken mirror . I see my self inflicted wounds "
" I can touch my chest and feel my heart beating rapidly beneath it . I can touch my collar bone that is jutting out of my body . I can touch the pens that write my words when I cannot speak them . I can touch my tears that are falling down my face . "
" I can hear voices that are telling me to commit ***** crimes . I can hear mice scurrying through my walls . i can hear my brothers sound asleep . "
" I can smell my mixture of perfumes . I can smell blood from my arms . "
" I can taste salt water leaking from my eyes "

Im fine
Wait come back
Im so very far from fine
These contacts hold back my tears
These long sleeves hide my scars
This filter keeps my sadness on a leash
And these needles keep my heart from falling apart
These thoughs , this mind always so dismal
“ Happiness is a hero “ but my pain is ever so abysmal
Nobody feels what i feel
But at the same time nobody seems to reveal
Whats going on inside
So how are we going to know when your horrors decide to collide ?
My monsters seem to be my only companion
They relieve the pain of feeling abandoned
But they hide the purpose that attemps to surface
Trying to delay what my heart seems to portray
But i am a cold soul and i continue to replenish
My basket of bad vibes that never seems to perish
Listen to the sentiments i repeatatly blare
“ I will disown you at once before i decide that i care “
Saying that statment makes me feel manic
I want to let go but there is comfort in the panic
Just like that i have lost everyone i hold dear
Just when i noticed that my happiness was beginning to appear
But when the moons goes away the sun comes out to play
So i will continue to try for the happiness
That my mind keeps trying to betray

There are times at the eve of dawn
When im ripped from sleep
To add clues to what i'm pondering upon
Why does my heart always seem to strain ?
Drowning in guilt and isolated pain
Singing myself odes to soothe my fears
Fears of dying as death creeps near
I feel a smile beginning to form
But its at the deep depths of my soul
Made this way because my subconscious took a toll
Im standing atop of a trapdoor
With the lever in my hand
Given to me because my demons knew i had a plan
I find myself debating to flip the switch
That will send me plummeting into a dark and filthy ditch
I've been struggling for awhile now , why make it worse ?
Why cause my parents pain as they stare at my casket through an X-Ray hearse
Do i truly want to be a potential casualty
Or do i just want to live a life away from personal tragedies?

Nothing kills man faster than his own head
Am i alive or is this just living dead ?
Convoluted discussions with the strangers in attendance
Im trying to tell you whats wrong but my mental is just bleeding lead

My soles hurt from walking , im a forsaken nomad
Im not the only only grieving here , even my shoes look sad
Im back in control of my mind
But my words are still mixed up (NOT)
Im thinking what i mean
But im saying lies that will probaly get me caught
I will most likely never be what you see on the inside
My body , this system is good at telling lies
Are you aware that we bleed the same ?
We both struggle with semiternal pain
And looks of disdain ….

To be continued ….

There is no point in living
When we are all going to die anyway
That is the statement I'm choosing to live by
Remember what I'm about to say
"Lying is all I've learned¨
Mr.Credulous, if I said I would live for you
With nothing in return
You should be concerned

an unavoidable point in time that is destined to happen again
for the good, or for the bad
it can be a positive outcome
or it can end with an adolescent being embraced in the arms of death
temptations to inflict injury upon him/herself
cravings so unsustainable that you are forced to sit on your palms
just to simply resist the urge to bring that dangerous piece of metal
forth to your skin
nauseous , swinging dizzy heads
gunfire racketing inside my cell some people call a mind
i'm sorry for what i have done