I cannot say how many suicidal soliloquies or
diatribes of dialogue I have veraciously verbalized
towards the stark stare looking back at me
from my own reflection.
The cold calculating eyes piercing, penetrating
a completely cumbersome set of armor
deliberately designed, ironically, to protect
those forlorn, forgotten windows to the soul.
Windows, once reliably radiating with life and love,
only now to be desolate, dark.
Alone.
Abandoned.

That night I looked in the mirror
Expecting to see the usual
The reflection I recognize
Staring back in my eyes

It wasn't an eccentric expectation
Because that's how it's always been
But I looked in the mirror...
I wasn't there anymore

I don't feel like I was there anymore
I don't think I was scared anymore
Could I possibly be told anymore?

I was shocked that I wasn't shocked
Looking in the mirror that night
Seeing myself not being myself

My reaction wasn't how I expected,
How I was taught, how I thought
Not everything is as it appears

I saw everything in a different dark
Or a different light, my sight
Forever tainted with blood

That's when I began to question it
And I have been ever since
Especially because that night
Was not the end... What if
We are all monsters
At least to a certain extent
By our own definition
In our own unique ways?

Life's kinda like being held at gun point.

Showing everyone you're ok

Acting natural.

when you're freaking the **** out inside.

Suddenly I felt like what
I would imagine an infant would
I am helpless
But when I cry
He comforts me
When I sleep
He admires me
When I laugh
His heart swells with joy
I am helpless
But he won't let anything happen to me.
CsR

it's the first thing you think of in the morning.
slowly open your eyes, roll over and wrap your head in your arms feeling embarrassed, laughing at yourself, thinking of how incredibly ridiculous you are for being this way. in the quiet moments you imagine his laugh and speckled green eyes. in the busy moments you force yourself to slow down. quietly sing the songs that remind you of him to feel calm. sing them all day over and over. until the words speak the truth of your days as if they already coincidentally hadn't. in the city, wonder if he is right for you. in the country, wonder if you are enough for him. at night, wonder if you were beautiful enough tonight. in the morning, wonder if you were true enough.

I am so imperfect
That I destruct myself
In loving you this much
While you destruct yourself
In loving her so bad